My Immortal Commentary: How I went insane
by The Fiery Crow
Summary: I slowly go crazy while attempting to commentate My Immortal, infamous as the worst fanfic ever written.
1. Chapter 1

And so it begins. Let's see how long I can retain my sanity.

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><p>Chapter 1.<p>

AN: Special fangz **Wait, what?** (get it, coz Im goffik) **No. No we don't get it. And if we did it wouldn't be funny.** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **Because pre-emptively denying homosexuality isn't counterproductive at all.** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **They have failed English for the last time. I find their lack of brains disturbing.** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **To this Justin, if he exists: run. If you value your mind and your soul run. We'll distract her. Just go.**MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness **Always a good middle name for a parent to give their little child.** Dementia Raven Way **Did your parents think you were the anti christ? Because those names are not normal.** and I have long ebony black hair **How redundant.** (that's how I got my name) **You had long ebony hair as an infant? Maybe you are the anti christ.** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **What a brilliantly unique description.** (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **Wait, getting out of here actually sounds like a good idea. But she said it. I'm scared. **I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **First of all, who the hell mentioned Gerard Way? Second, there is something seriously wrong with you.** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **Vampires, much like the british, are known for the lack of care their fangs receive.** I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, **Are you also a ninja, a pirate and a robot?** and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **Unless you were kicked in the head by a horse as a child I somehow doubt this.** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **We could tell.** and I wear mostly black. **How unexpected.** I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **Going against the stereotype I see.** For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **We don't give a shit.** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **I'm sure I'd have a sarcastic comment to put here if I knew anything about makeup.** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **The weather must have absorbed your career juggling abilities. **so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. **Why? You're obviously a twilight vampire who only becomes more emoly hateable with sunlight.** A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **Oddly phrased. Also, last time I checked, giving people the finger because they're staring at you is either a sign of paranoia, a omnicidal hatred towards people in general or both.**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. **DRUMROLL PLEASE!**Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **I think you meant to say snivelousy. **

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **How convenient.**

AN: IS it good? **No. Almighty Picard no.** PLZ tell me fangz! **Why do you need fans to? I just did.**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **You'll have to pry my flames from my burned, red hands.**

**Even in the dividing lines? My anti christ theory is gaining ground.**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **That's odd. I can't imagine waking up anywhere but a strip club.** It was snowing and raining again. **It's your fault. Go away and it'll stop.** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **First of all, coffins have LIDS. Second, where exactly did you get this bottled blood? Perhaps Voldemort's tally is a bit lower than we thought.** My coffin was black ebony **Shocking.** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **As coffins often are.** I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **4? Somebody call Guinness. **

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **Because we needed to know that information which you could easily given her by, say, actually telling her or in a PM.** woke up then and grinned at me. **And evidently is perfectly alright with the living dead feast on the blood of the living thing.** She flipped her long waist-length **Waist length? Are you goths or hippies?**raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, **STFU** I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **Yes. Because the fact that you spoke to someone for less than 10 seconds is completely worthy of hyper excitement. I'm beginning to think there's even more wrong with this poor girl than meets the eye.**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **You ingenious liar, you.**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin **Holy crap. She spelled Slytherin properly.** common room and into the Great Hall. **You can tell it's a magic school because you can get from the dungeons to the great hall in the span of a single line.**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **I so fucking don't fucking like fucking listening to you fucking lie you fucking fucker.**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **What an amazing coincidence.**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **What a brilliant addition to the facade.**

"Guess what." he said. **Come on pre-murder speech!**

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **I can't guess what she'll say. The author has built an amazing air of mystery around future events.**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **We'll stop flaming you when hell freezes over. DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY!** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **There were good reviews? ** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! **That should only be said immediately before feeding on someone.** oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis **Thank Picard.**or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. **Corset stuff. Very descriptive of you.** I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, **Depression is common shortly before dates.** so I slit one of my wrists. **Yeah, yeah, then you got some milk an- WAIT WHAT?** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **If you wanted it to stop bleeding why did you cut it in the first place? And this depressing book seems like some kind of vicious cycle.** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **TONS. Did you also utilize QUARTS of moisturizer?** Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **And yet you have been doing so while being just as pale.** I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **Blood: It's the quenchiest.**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **I can't even comment on this...** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **I'm pretty sure most of them are gay.**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **Depression always warrants an !**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **I'M NOT SO CRAZY NOW, AM I? MUHAHAHAHAHA! **and flew to the place with the concert. **You aren't the sharpest knife in the place where they keep the knives.** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. **I always like to get a little music in before a concert.** We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **Also enjoyable preconcert activities.** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **I was unaware that it was possible to jump down. Yet another amazing power she possesses.**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). <strong>I'm not surprised. They seem somewhat above your normal level of quality and spell checking.<strong>

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **That seems like a perfectly natural topic of conversation to bring up.**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **That is highly surprising.**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **I expected you to take longer.**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **How could we have ever thought such a thing when you just almost said it?**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **How very trusting he is. The fool. He doesn't even suspect tha- Oh wait, I already did my evil laugh. It's still on cooldown.**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. **So he's going out with Hilary and fucking Duffman? BACK IMAGES! OUT OF MY HEAD!** I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **Because declaring that you hate the girlfriend of someone you just called hot is the best way to convince someone you're only attracted to them.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. **Aren't you supposed to be depressed?** So did Draco. **Isn't he supposed to be jealous?** After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… **Your obedient (Drumroll) George Washington. **the Forbidden Forest! **DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!**

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok **We said no.** ebony's name is ENOBY **Wait, what? Since when? That sounds like Enemy...** nut mary su **Yes, she is a nutty Mary Sue.** OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **You're amazingly lucky that I'm not armed right now.**dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

**I'm telling you. Antichrist. **

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **Driving you off somewhere he can murder you without being overheard?**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. **I want to walk out of a car! That'd be so badass!**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **I believe we already discussed your odd use of the f-bomb.**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **Of course he was. Because if he were in character it'd be boring.** which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **Evilness drives out anger. It's an important life lesson.**

And then…**The readers waited for you to continue your sentence?** suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **Just as you, Draco, kissed you passionately.** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **Then how is he on top of you? Newton must be rolling over in his grave.** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **SHIELD YOUR MINDS! OCCLUMENSY! OCCLUMENSY!** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **Well that was childishly anti climatic.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. **OCCLUMENSYYYYYYYYY!** I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **GET OUT OF MY HEAD!** And then…. **(Drumroll)**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"** That's what I don't want to know.**

It was…**(Intermission)**….Dumbledore!

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! **HOLD YOUR HEAD EVEN HIGHER AND INTO THE FIRE WE GO!** if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **I have absolutely no problem with that, particularly coming from you.** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **One of the many side effects of headaches.** ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **At least they didn't reach sexxx before he could intervene.** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **IT ENDS AT LAST!**

**The only real flaw in my theory is that the antichrist is supposed to be charismatic.**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **Dumbledore is uncharacteristically good with insults. I'm beginning to like this character.**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **You should see a doctor.** Draco comforted me. **And you need comfort with such a serious medical condition. **When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **Why is McGonagall there exactly?**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **2 birds with 1 stone.**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **BUUUUUUUUUUURN!**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **Well, that happened somewhat sooner than expected. That kind of outburst is normally saved for heroic breakdowns later on. Or in this case, breakdowns.**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **That was surprisingly easy.**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **That went well.**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **Because this was all such a psychological trauma. Maybe he's referring to the blood tears.**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **Perfectly appropriate for sleeping.** When I came out…. **SUSPENSE!**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, **WHAT?** and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **WHAT THE HELL?** I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **Not only that, he CAN'T be there. The girls dormitories at hogwarts are- You know what, fuck it, you're obviously going to ignore canon. The readers can see it themselves.** We hugged and kissed. **That's somewhat tamer than I was expecting. **After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **Why? If last time is any indication you people can get away with anything.**

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><p><strong>Odd. I chose to divide at possibly the only chapter where Tara didn't leave a writer's note.<br>**


	2. Chapters 610

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **Nobody do it!**

**This running gag is getting kind of old now...**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. **Didn't you mention something about being a vampire earlier?** I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula **Considering you're a vampire I'd think you'd find that somewhat offensive.** cereal with blood instead of milk, **Remember kids: Blood will help you grow up big and strong!** and a glass of red blood. **None of that cheap blue blood you get at wal-mart. This is quality target blood!** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **Of course, considering how you dress, that probably just made that shirt a million times awesomer to you.**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **Or not. I've kinda given up predicting the characters at this point.** I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **Yes, because the fact that he's moderately attractive by your standards after pissing you off the day after a date with your alleged boyfriend makes it all so much better.** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **He was wearing so much eyeliner it made him wear lipstick?** He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's **No. NO.** and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **TRAITOR!** He had a manly stubble on his chin. **YOUR MOTHER WAS HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!** He had a sexy English accent. **So does everyone else at Hogwarts except the Scottish, Welsh and Irish people, who have arguably sexier accents.** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **Are you even trying anymore? Then again, were you in the first place?** He was so sexy that my body went all hot **Yeah, you aren't trying anymore.** when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **There are so many things wrong with that that I'm not even going to pick one to mock.**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. **But only because you're attractive and she's a terrible person.** What's your name?" **I warn you, if he's who I think he is...** I questioned. **Yes, questioned. She dragged him into a dark room with a bright light just for that.**

"My name's Harry Potter, **Vendetta. VENDETTAAAAAAAAAA!** although most people call me Vampire these days." **That's stupid.** he grumbled. **Why exactly are you grumbling that? It's a nickname, if you want people to stop calling you that STOP INTRODUCING YOURSELF THAT WAY.**

"Why?" I exclaimed. **Yes. EXCLAIMED!**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **This is like shooting fish in a barrel.**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **No you aren't. You obviously only think you're one.**

"Really?" he whimpered. **Whimpered? WHIMPERED?**

"Yeah." I roared. **Vampire half-lion ninja goth pirate space zombie. I'm telling you.**

We sat down to talk for a while. **Presumably you were already sitting down to eat your literally bloody breakfast.** Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **SURPRIIIIIIIIISE!**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **I am now ashamed to be a member of the human race.** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **Tin? Now you're specifying that all reviews should be made of tin?** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **You've never heard of a puppet account have you?** Evony **Pick a letter and a place for it to be and leave it there.** isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **In your fucked up world that just makes her better.** n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **She doesn't appear to have a reason to be. Besides, Mary Sues can be depressed when the author becomes desperate to make people think they aren't mary sues, or if they're self inserts like this one. Besides, nothing a lot of zoloft wouldn't cure.**

**Z? Not only is she the anti christ**_** she's Emperor Zurg.**_

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **Yes. Yes it does.** I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **Because you're leaving momentarily even though he only met you a few minutes ago?** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **So this is a shitty self insert fic, angst, vampires nearly as a bad as twilight AND Harry/Draco slash? This really is the worst fanfic in history.** Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **Oh no! Whatever happens next? There is so much suspense.**

We started frenching passively **Yes. Passively.** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **AND NOW WE'RE ENTHUSIASTIC!** He felt me up before I took of my top. **Not again...** Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. **You're going to keep doing this, aren't you?** We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **The way you write it? Yes.**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" **There's more? For Picard's sake, just stop already.** I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **What's this? Plot? The dark mark? Canonical elements? THERE MAY BE HOPE AFTER ALL!** It was a black heart with an arrow through it. **Well shit.** On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… **DRUMROLL PLEASE!** Vampire! **Nope. No hope at all. False alarm.**

I was so angry. **So was I.**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. **None of us do, mate. None of us do.** But I knew too much. **And now you must die.**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **Hey, you're the one who's writing this. It'd be your fault.**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. **Huffily? Aren't you in Slytherin?** Draco ran out even though he was naked. **You just can't let this go, can you?** He had a really big you-know-what **Not a surprise the way this story's going.** but I was too mad to care. **Now that IS a surprise.** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom **Yes. His classroom. His personal classroom where he takes private lessons from every single teacher.** where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **Who nobody gives a shit about.**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **And you're angry at him why? If Draco had time to get a tattoo this has clearly been going on since before you got to him. Draco and to a lesser extent yourself are the ones in the wrong here. But what the hell, I can't expect you to act rationally or in a way consistent with your actual emotions. You're clearly a raving lunatic.**

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! **Flashing? I thought you were the one making the characters do that.** if u do den u r a prep! **Oh no. I am so terrified.**

**I really am starting to be conflicted about this. The anti christ is supposed to be competent.**

Everyone in the class stared at me **As well they should. You just burst in, insulted someone for no good reason and have a naked guy trailing you. And since you're a self insert, you get more attention than the naked guy.** and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **Because that isn't counterproductive at all.**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **But she's the author. She knows what you're going to say next...in theory.**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith **Who? Why is there a Klingon at Hogwarts?** smiled at me understatedly. **Somehow I think that isn't the word you're looking for.** She flipped her long waste-length **Waste-length. So long it's a waste.** gothic black hair **A very popular shade of black.** and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **Aside from the obvious grammatical errors there, why is everyone wearing those? Seriously, it'd be better if you just said "Assume all protagonists are wearing red contacts" instead of bothering to mention it every time you describe a character.** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **That seems a bit excessive.** Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **What a strange transition, considering we were just talking about B'loody Mary Smith. **Her real parents are vampires **Vampires can reproduce now?** and one of them is a witch **Vampire witch pirate robot ninja cowboys.** but Voldemort **Finally. I was wondering when we'd get a mention of THE MAIN ANTAGONIST.** killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **First of all, that's really irresponsible. He couldn't have gone off and tried to save his daughter? Second, I'm pretty sure vampires can't commit suicide.** She still has nightmares **What an amazing memory she has. She was only an infant at the time.** about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith **Huh. Perhaps she's distantly related to B'loody Mary Smith the Klingon. **and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism **I don't really see the link there. Also, if she's always remembered this, wouldn't the effects of it have been present since, oh I don't know, ALWAYS?** she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. **Knew the correct spelling wouldn't last long. Also, PEOPLE CAN SWITCH HOUSES?** )

"What is it that you desire, **That's somewhat odd phrasing.** you ridiculous dimwit!" **Actually, I sort of like that one. It'd sound better with halfwit though.** Snape demeaned **Again, I feel like this is the wrong word.** angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **First of all, you're dating DRACO not this alleged vampire. Secondly, ** **again, if he's had time to get a tattoo, he's cheating on this "Vampire" who is clearly not the Harry Potter we know but another Hogwarts student with the same name, but anyway, he's cheating on him with you.**

Everyone gasped. **Yes. EVERYONE.**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **Wait, who's talking?** I had went out with Vampire **Epic. Tense. Fail.** (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **Which just goes even further to prove that this is just a medium to fulfill some fool's fantasies. ** for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **Because you aren't biased at all.** We were just good friends now. **Somehow I doubt you'd have remained close friends after that.** He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **Intolerance is everywhere, isn't it?**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **This isn't really your problem. I think your best move is to back off.**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" **Fuck you, you fucking fucker, fucking son of a fucking fuck. I fucking hope you fucking die. Go fuck yourself.** I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **If it weren't clear that this fic hasn't seen a spell checker in it's entire existence, I'd think it was a spell checkers fault. But no...** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! **We'll burn this fic to the ground if we have to.** I dntn red all da boox! **That explains alot. Like how you're writing a Harry Potter fic while clearly being illiterate. You must dictate it into some kind of phonetic device and have your little friends edit it, and then enter the authors notes later when they aren't looking.** dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **What movie were you watching? Is it on netflix, because it sounds AWESOME, even if it did spawn this.** besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **All things can be forgiven when you have a headache!** and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **I was unaware that Snape ever liked Harry, nor that any of the magical characters belonged to a religion which specifically states "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."** MCR ROX!

**Ah, the fact that she's removed the Z clearly indicates that she's secretly Zurg and trying to cover it up!**

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. **Again, he was cheating on Not-a-vampire.** I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **ARGH! DON'T REMIND US! Also, how did you find the same tree again so quickly?**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! **Oh Almighty Picard, we thank thee for this salvation.** He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) **Oh my. Whoever could it be?** and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… **THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!** Voldemort! **THE DARK LORD HAS RISEN! ALL GIVE THANKS!**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **Uh, isn't that Hermione's cat?** Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **That's one terrifying cat.** I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **You fail at sadism then.**

"Ebony." he yelled. **There are more than a few reasons that period shouldn't be there.** "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **Or I shalt take thee to mine home, ye olde 14th century!**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes **If you dare use that word again I'll run you through.** and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **Reusing an unoriginal description doesn't make it original. It only makes it worse. **I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, **That's hardly what you should be thinking about right now.** so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **The entire audience figured that out paragraphs ago.**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **Why, exactly? Does magic not work on vampires? Do you need silver bullets?** "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" **Why? First of all, Voldemort is far more qualified for this than her. Second, isn't he supposed to be obsessed with saving Harry for himself?** he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **Just do it anyway. You're already the most relatable character in this fic.**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **I've heard of author avatars, but I've never seen a reader avatar before.** "I hath telekinesis." **Not even the right term, even if you aren't using potter terms, that isn't what telekinesis is.** he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" **You aren't even doing middle English properly. That should be thou, knowst and shalt among other things.** he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **Yes. Because flying away always intimidates people into doing what you want.**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. **Tell Dumbledore, the only man Voldemort ever feared, what's going on?** Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **How did he get an entire conversation behind you? Shouldn't he have caught up quite some time ago?**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **Is that supposed to be some kind of horrible pun? EDIT: Just read the next few words, and it's clear it is. And it's stupid.** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **Oh, so now he has the positive physical traits of EVERYONE. How can you possibly deny the mary suiness?**

"Are you okay?" I asked. **He's obviously insane if he's dating you.**

"No." he answered. **Not surprising.**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **Expelled. She obviously said that while casting expelliarmus.**

"That's okay." **No, no it isn't.** he said all depressed **It clearly isn't ok if he's STILL DEPRESSED. Wouldn't a word like "Relieved" have worked better?** and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **Making out. And walking. At the same time.**

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags **First of all, redundant, second of all, offensive, third of all, since all your characters are allegedly bi it's hypocritical.** if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! **I want to. You have no idea how much I want to get the hell out of here.** ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al **She's muggleBORN. There is a difference.** n she n vampire r evil **You're the evil one.** datz y dey movd houses ok! **But the house system- Nevermind. No comment.**

**Not willing to show yourself today Zurg?**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. **Now you know how the characters you've never heard of who he killed feel.** I was even upset **All the way to upset? Madness!** went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band **Of course. I bet I can guess who's in it.** Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **What a stunningly original name.** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **Many people here meaning you.** The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron **I was right!** (although we call him Diabolo now. **The sad thing is that is this point I barely even question that.** He has black hair now with blue streaks in it. **Must you screw EVERYTHING up?**) and Hargrid. **That was somewhat less expected. Can't have one of those evilly kind and lenient authority figures in there with them.** Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming **Shouldn't the entire band always be absent then?** and we wrote songs instead. **Songs the other 2 members will likely hate, thus making them more depressed so you never have to actually do anything. That's diabolically clever.** I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists **You say these things so casually...** (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too **SINCE WHEN?** and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s **So you're dead? Because last time I checked you were wearing cross earrings.** (there's no way I'm writing that) **You're a frickin idiot.** or a steak **Quick! Somebody go to Outback!**) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **How do you know him so well after one conversation?** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs **Because we REALLY needed that mental picture.** and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **! I'm sorry, but your self-deception is hilarious.**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' **Wait, why do you have to write a cover? And why are you signing it? WHAT'S GOING ON?** and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **Great. MORE angst. There wasn't enough yet.**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **That's one hell of a sympathetic klingon.**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! **I fucking thought you fucking bitches fucking called him fucking Vampire now!** But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, **If he were a jerk or I didn't know him, yeah, I'd kill him in a second.** even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, **Someone must have told her what a comma is. Now she's compensating for her earlier lack of them by overuse.** will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.  
>Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.<p>

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **Yes. He should have said Mudblood. Besides, for either of those to apply she'd have to be muggle born in which case Draco wouldn't associate with her. You see the problem?**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. **That's very out of character.** Then he ran out crying. **Still not getting any closer to the actual Draco Malfoy here.**

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! **Also, Dumbledore doesn't exactly DO angry.** His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **And on those rare occasions he does it's a cold rage not a fiery one.**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **That's not really the right adjective to put there. Do you just write the outline and then have some madlib it?** (c dats basically nut swering **The swearing was the least of his characterization problems.** and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y **The suspense. It is killing me.**) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. **Yes. Ebony Draco. The strange fusion of the 2 characters created in an alternate universe.** He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."** Uh, didn't we say a minute ago that that didn't work?**


	3. Chapters 11 through 15

I've just noticed that when FF uploads this, many of Tara's most hilarious mistakes are taken out automatically. Such as comically long ellipses and her dividing lines which are xxx666xxx and once have a Z stuck in them. So if you see me mention dividing lines (It'll become a running gag) or the 666 in them, FF got rid of them between me and the final version.

* * *

><p>Chapter 11.<p>

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! **We weren't listening. And we aren't listening now.** c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 **It will be.** it delz wit rly sris issus! **It's hard to take anything you write seriously.** sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid **Again: It will be.** brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! **STOP USING THAT STUPID PUN!**

**I think I'm supposed to put a running gag here...**

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! **Horror-fied. You see, horrified doesn't have enough Rs in it.** B'loody Mary **If you're going to write a klingon character, write them right! A klingon would tell you-I'm sorry? I'm being informed that despite the apostrophe in the name Bloody Mary Smith isn't a klingon. If this confuses you: Welcome to the club.** tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **Mary Sues are jerks like that.** and I ran to my room crying myself. **I don't think that's how you give that verb a subject.** Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **Or, you know, the whole magical barrier thing.**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood **Again: SEE A GODDAMN DOCTOR.** and then I slit both of my wrists. **You do that alot.** They got all over my clothes so I took them off **AGAIN!** and jumped into the bath angrily **While bleeding profusely. I feel I should note that you only get more blood on you that way.** while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume** And then the cd player short-circuited and you died**. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **DO IT.** I was so fucking depressed! **You're always depressed, now get on with ending the fic.** I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. **What the hell does that mean?** I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **She broke her own record!** I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… **Uh, what window? The slytherin dorms are in the dungeon.** Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! **You mean he was using muggle technology? You should take this to Dumbledore, that isn't supposed to work here.** And Loopin was masticating to it! **What was he chewing? Tobacco?**They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! **But you aren't naked anymore. You dressed a few lines ago.** ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **I'm not sure that even exists.** Suddenly Vampire ran in. **How? There are anti male enchantments. And why?**

"Abra Kedavra!" **He said, summoning a bunny from his hat.** he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **While that explains the bit about boys not being able to enter the girls dorms, there are a number of other questions it raises.** I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times **I love making up numbers. Isn't it fun?** and they both started screaming **But only after you'd shot the all gazillion times.** and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore **Since when are you Madame Maxime?** ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… **SUPENSE.**

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **Hagrid is neither little nor a student.**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." **No you aren't.** Hargirid paused angrily. **And apparently it's now possible to puase...ANGRILY!** "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **Yet another thing Hagrid is not.**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice **How are you still alive?** as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. **Wait, what?** "There must be other factors." **Obviously, since you're still alive.**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **Is it just me or does the dialogue make less sense than usual?**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **TriumELEPHANTly. HE'S A WERE-ELEPHANT! THAT'S HOW HE SURVIVED!**"The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **There are many, many things seriously wrong with you. This is one of them.**

"Why are you doing this?" **I'd have thought that was fairly clear.** Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **That poor clock. I suppose the Swiss deserve it though.**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. **Because the author is too damn lazy to actually write all of this and will now simply cut and paste from earlier in the story.** I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **If you were a real vampire, we know which way it's go. But you probably sparkle.**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." **Please. We are hanging on your every word.** Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, **He paused...DRAMATICALLY! Who is he, William Shatner?** waving his wand in the air. **Hagrid doesn't have a wand. It was broken in half when he was expelled in the 40s and he had the pieces made into a pink umbrella. **Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **Woah woah wait, WHAT?**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **There are so many things wrong with that sentence.**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **Ok Hagrid, that's kind of creepy...**

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing **We'll burn the world before we listen to you.** ok hargrid is a pedo 2 **Must you continue to find new ways to ruin our childhood?** a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat **This isn't even an american school you warthog brained buffoon!** I wunted 2 adres da ishu! **You may think you sound intelligent, but you're just making yourself look even dumber.** how du u no snap iant kristian **Probably the "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" bit. Also, I don't really think it's a driving aspect of his character even if he is considering that NOBODY EVER MENTIONS IT.**plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **You could have mentioned that earlier.**

**If she **_**were **_**the antichrist this would be a much better fic. I should go write that sometime...**

I was about to slit my wrists again **Yes. **_**Again.**_ with the silver knife **Silver? Could this finally be the end?** that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. **When did that happen?** He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **What the hell are you talking about?**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid **In fairness to this one, it may have been less a typo/atrocious spelling error than a horrible, horrible pun.** but it was Vampire. **Of course it was.** He started to scream. **Hey, didn't you mention that Cedric was here somewhere? I don't see him. He's the one character I can bear you doing this too, since the actor already did it to himself.**"OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **As well it should. Bout damn time we got back to canon.** and then…..**SUSPENSE.** his eyes rolled up! **How anti climatic.** You could only see his red whites. **He has pink eyes?**

I stopped. "How did u know?" **Know what? What are you talking about? What in the Holy Name of the Almighty Picard is going on?**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **Thank Picard. Someone else must have gained influence over the author.**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **Harry's scar is not so easily done away with.**

"I do but Diabolo **Well, at least she's misspelling it consistenly.** changed it into a pentagram for me **Why, exactly?** and I always cover it up with foundation." **TOO MUCH INFORMATION. YOU SHUTUP NOW.** he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! **Good. It means Voldemort is doing something which might well start to salvage this fic.** Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….**JUST FREAKIN TELL US ALREADY! **Volfemort has him bondage!" **TOO MUCH INFORMATION. STOP DOING THAT.**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. **Uh, aren't you some kind of vampire?** Snap and Loopin **Both of whom are supposed to be dead.** and HAHRID were there too. **Who's HAHRID? We've only seen Hagird, Haigrid, Hargid, Hragid and HAIRgid so far. **They were going to St. Mango's **The patron saint of bananas. What else would he be saint of?** after they recovered **Why are they going to the hospital AFTER recovering? **cause they were pedofiles **That doesn't require MEDICAL hospitalization.** and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **I'm not even going to point out the problems there.** Dumbledore had constipated **Seriously. Get a better spell checker. Or type without banging your head on the keyboard, which might solve a few problems at once.** the cideo camera they took of me naked. **They took a camera of you?** I put up my middle finger at them. **Again, weird phrasing.**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. **Why?**

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, **Who's V. Serious?**giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." **You're one hell of a jerk.** I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, **I think you're kinda overreacting.** and I don't like fucked up preps like you." **So fucking fuck you because you're fucking trying to fucking be fucking nice to fucking me. It's all so fucking stupid. So fuck off you fucking fucker.** I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **Uh, isn't he in your goffik band? Or was that Haigird?**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" **So he has some kind of brilliant scheme to kidnap goffs and turn them into flowers for poetic justice? I like this character.** I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **Seriously, what is wrong with you?**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. **As opposed to yelling cheerfully.** "No you didn't I replied." **You said "No you didn't I replied?" We're really getting meta now.** "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) **Yes, just like every word in that author's note except "is." I could give a hamster speed, and coffee, drop it on a keyboard, and it would spell better than you. ** to it he added silently. **Wait, what?**

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." **The narrator disagrees.** He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye **Must it become commonplace for your characters to hate EVERYTHING?** and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! . **First of all, no quotation marks, secondly, there are both a period and an exclamation point, and thirdly, THAT MAKES NO SENSE.**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **You couldn't do anything wisely on the wisest day of your life if you were enchanted by Gandalf, Dumbledore, Obi-Wan Kenobi and The Almighty Picard if you had a wisecracker machine and a functional spell check.**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio **Which, if Latin, apparently translates to "Wanton something something something from rome." according to the internet.**(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!) **Must you mention things like this in the middle of the alleged story? **imo noto okayo!" **That is the lowest form of fake language. You couldn't even use pig latin?**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. **Well, that's cheery. I'm sure that will help your chronic depression alot.** And it was black. **Did we mention it was black? I was afraid some of the readers might not know it was black. It was black. **Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **Because he lit roses on fire. Did we mention the fire was black?**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **Yeah, what the fuck IS Drako? Does it have something to do with Draco?**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing. **Why were you expecting to see something in balls of flame? There's nothing but fire, and whatever's on fire.**

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, **WHERE THE HELL DID HE COME FROM? **watching the two of us watching the flame. **Whilst himself being watched by a nurse who was being watched by a senior attendant. And so the cycle continues...** "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) **We get it. It just makes no sense.** u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **You added this after your editor left for the day, didn't you?**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. **For Picard's sake, JUST SHOOT ME NOW.**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. **Uh, what bed? Isn't he visiting you? Why else would he have roses?** "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!" **That extra E was to make up for the missing ones earlier in the alleged story.**

Anyway when I got better **Seems as crappy as always.** I went upstairs **And they just let you go. That pesky suicide problem can be dealt with later.** and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. **I echo my words the first time you did this: WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT.** There was some corset stuff on the front. **Hey, I think this is just cut and pasted from the first chapter.** Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. **Boots with pictures of people on them. Because that suits your alleged culture SO well.** I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) **We want to so badly, but we can't. You're captivatingly horrible.** and I put on blood-red lipstick, **That's a change. I never would have expected it. This changes everything.** black eyeliner and black lip gloss. **That's somewhat less different.**

"You look kawai, girl." **Wait, what?** B'loody Mary said sadly. **Why is she saying that sadly?** "Fangs (geddit) **STOP SAYING THAT.** you do too." I said sadly too **You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. **, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists **AGAIN. Which is why you were hospitalized.** feeling totally depressed **Do you even need to mention that anymore?** and I sucked all the blood. **There are alot of things very, very wrong with you.** I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **I thought they got fired.** I went to some classes. **But clearly, nobody gives a shit about what they were or what happened in them.** Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **Why, exactly? Cause the implications are very unsettling.** **Also, Magical Magic creatures is even more redundant than most of this abomination to the english language. **He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared **Or, more accurately COMMITED SUICIDE.** and he had used to be in love with Draco. **In this fucked up universe, anyway.** He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **...Ok**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. **I'm surprised he can talk at all while doing that.** "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way. **Ann Wqually said "Way"?**

We both looked at each other for some time. **Why, exactly? Shouldn't you just keep feeding on the hufflepuff?** Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. **Because they're wearing the same kind of stupid red contacts. For Picard's sake, get a brain.** Then… **SUSPENSE.** we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **Yet another image I don't need in my head.**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" **That's actually kind of an awesome insult.** shouted Professor McGoggle **McGonagall...with goggles. Also awesome.** who was watching us and so was everyone else. **Can you blame them? Admittedly it's not something you WANT to see, but I'm still reading this against my better judgement, aren't I?**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. **For what, exactly?** "Stop trying to screw me. **Hooray for hypocritically throwing other people to the wolves to cover your own obvious breaches of the rules!**You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **This seems oddly familiar.**

"NO!" I ran up closer. **Deja Vu.**

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **You forget very quickly.**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **See my previous notes from the first time this EXACT PARAGRAPH was used.**

**We must stop her before she kills us all!**

SPECIAL FANGZ **Stop it now, I really mean it.** 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS! **I thought she was the editor.**11111111

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I **Couldn't you have just asked her that IRL or in some other way that doesn't involve informing the entire internet that you lost your sweater, presumably while attempting to rape someone you incorrectly assumed liked you?**

Chapter 13. **I can't see how this story can get any unluckier than it is.**

AN: raven fangz **Anybody want a peanut?** 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! **So you're a kleptomaniac, nymphomaniac, (If this story is any indication) illiterate 12 year old?** PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG! **We'll call in the gorram fire nation if we have to.**

**Seriously, Crowley and Aziraphale need to get over here.**

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. **Finally, you see sense.**We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" **Oooooo, I like that one.** he asked angrily.** He's probably angry that you get his name wrong so often.**

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. **I think that translates (loosely) to "Voice his (plural) deaths"**

He laughed in an evil voice. **MUHAHAHAHAHA! Wait, isn't this Dumbledore?**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged. **He's not Draco anymore. You've ruined him.**

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. **Censorship. Here. That's...odd.** Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." **!** he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." **How amazingly out of character.** then he walked away. **That's surprisingly convenient.** Vampire started crying. **Blood, I presume?** "My Draco!" he moaned. **You mean your Arch Nemesis who's repeatedly done his best to get you expelled?** (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **Haven't you been calling flamers "gay fagz"? Well, flames are hot...**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. **Did you honestly believe it would?** He started to cry tears of blood. **Get. A freakin. Doctor.** Then he had a brainstorm. **There were brains flying through the air everywhere. You could barely see for all the brains.** "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **How long we've waited for this day.**  
>"What?" I asked him.<p>

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… **That's a nailbiter right there.** suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **But you can't disapparate out of hogwarts. There are enchantments an-Fuck it. Do whatever you want.**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. **EVIL BING CROSBY!** "Allah Kedavra!" **VOLDEMORT CONVERTED TO ISLAM?**  
>It was…<strong>SUSPENSE<strong>….. Voldemort! **I never would have guessed, it being his lair and all.**

Chapter 14.

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! **If they're still here, they ain't leaving.** Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. **She's kinda failing at this.** im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd **No!** n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **It occurs to me that this may be the reason you suck at typing. The other problems are up for debate.** PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! **Well, there's no question that we'll never see the next chapter now.**

**This is getting kinda old.**

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. **We sat through your sex scenes. We can stomach this.** VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **First of all, we're not viewers. We're readers. Second, I really think your spell check is actively trying to sabotage you now.**

We ran to where Volcemort was. **Wherever that may be.** It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. **That doesn't make any sense. **Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **If you can't remember the character's name, look it up or don't use him.** Draco was there crying tears of blood. **What disease do you people have?** Snaketail was torturing him. **Snaketail. Despite the awesomeness of that name, it's wrong.** Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. **And were consequently hit by the cruciartus curse instead, you were all captured and killed and the rest of the world lived happily ever after.**

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" **Stealing your insults too now, is he?** he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun **He shouldn't really be shouting much of anything then.** he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. **No. NO. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?** "." **GET THIS SHIT OFF MY SCREEN.** he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) **Fuck you.**

"Huh?" I asked. **We've been asking that. You're a bit behind the curve.**  
>"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. <strong>If you DARE...<strong> I started laughing crudely. **Just like you do everything else.** "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." **This, ladies and gentlemen, is called projection. An-wait, she ISN'T going to have sex with him? That's surprising.** I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **Finally. Something moderately interesting involving blood happens.**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. **He was just stabbed in the heart. Shouldn't he be dead?** He started screaming and running around. **Oddly energetic of him.** Then he fell down and died. **Bout damn time.** I brust into tears sadly. **Uh, you killed him. Quite deliberately.**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then…**I CAN'T WATCH!** he started coming! **Knew the lack of sex couldn't last long.** We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **Kinky.** So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. **Didn't you apparate here? Where did you get brooms?** We went to my room. **Not again!** Vampire went away. **Thank Picard** There I started crying. **Not again!**

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco** Aren't you dead?** taking off his clothes so we could screw** ARRRRRG! MY BRAIN!** He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) **SHUT THE HELL UP.** and a really huge you-know-what and everything. **LOOOOOOOOL.**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. **I feel like that's the wrong word.** "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here **"Why can't I not be perfectly perfect in every possible way and then some?"** except for B'loody Mary, **Because pissing off a klingon is a horrible move.**because she's not ugly or anything."

"Why would you wanna be ugly? **She wouldn't. We'd like her to be though. It might result in less traumatizing sex.** I don't like the preps anyway. **We've noticed.** They are such fucking sluts." **"But not as much as you!" he said, depressedly. **answered Draco.

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! **Ok, that's it, this has to be a troll. No one could unintentionally throw that in. **Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. **STOP MAKING US THINK ABOUT THAT.** Hargrid says he's in love with me. **I thought you said that was "sedric"** Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! **Yeah, it'll be faster to list the characters you haven't seduced. There's...well...um...We're done!** I just wanna be with you ok Draco! **No, it's not ok. It's making us sick.** Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!** I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing **No. Satan forbid.** but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty **WE NOTICED.**) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. **That line is now the official definition of a Mary Sue.**

Chapter 15.

AN: stup flaming ok! **Power in flaming comes from the breath. I BREATHE ON!** btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! **Quick, everyone flame so we can end this already.** fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein! **To Raven, if she can hear me: Get out. Run for your life. Go hide with Justin. Maybe you two can have a normal life. JUST RUN!**

**IT'S A SIGN!**

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!" **I'm not entirely clear on why she stormed out in the first place, myself.**

But I was too mad. **Why?**

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" **No. Please don't. We can't take that.** I shouted. I stormed into my room **Weren't you already in your room? Or can you distort reality with your mind?** and closed my black door with my blood-red key.** Why do you even have your own room if all the teachers hate you?** It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He **HE? I THOUGHT THAT WAS A GIRL!** looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. **Because that isn't redundant at all.** I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. **You should really stop doing that.** I drank the blood all depressed. **That can't be beneficial either.** Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **Since when does Hogwarts have a biology class?**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. **Redundant description is redundant.** Under that I put on ripped black fishnets **Must you rip EVERYTHING?** and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. **I'm fairly certain those don't exist.** I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. **Yes. As usual. It has become the norm.** I did sum advanced Biology work. **Which is quite odd because you're in Hogwarts.** I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. **Are you just randomly throwing in sentences that make absolutely no sense to confuse skimmers?** Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **Wait, what?**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. **Yes. Shouted sadly. With a nice, depressing exclamation point.** "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **We noticed.** Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. **And then you did. AFTER you met her.** Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." "**So fucking stop fucking running the fuck away and fucking be with me and fuck me you fucking fucker!."** Then….**The lack of suspense is literally killing me.** he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" **Why?** (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it **I think you were more in love with Joel's body at that point, if I remember correctly.**) right in front of the entire class! **Wait, why were you turning a pentagram into a guitar into human beings in biology class? Aside from the more obvious issues, isn't that more suited to transfiguration?** His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson **Are you now so lazy you can't even be bothered to actually describe anything but clothes? Oh wait, you've been like that...** (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) . **We want to. WE WANT TO SO BADLY.**

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. **As in the letters or what they stand for?** Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now **Your middle fingers were entwined with his? Also, I really see no need to make note of your nail polish.**) at them. **Giving people who "Stare" or "look at you funny" the finger is supposed to be sign of schizophrenia, right?** "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) **Then why the hell did you mention her?** and CMM in a Cinderella Story. **You really, really suck at this creativity thing authors are supposed to have.** Then we went away holding hands. Loopin **Didn't he get fired?** shouted at us **As well he should, what with your openly walking out of class with no viable excuse whatsoever and all. Also, you turned a pentagram into a guitar into a human in his biology class. I can't imagine that that was part of his curriculum.** but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. **Morons.** Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. **How amazingly convenient.** We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. I never would have guessed.

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><p>All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.<p>

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><p>All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.<p>

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><p>All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.<p>

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><p>All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.<p>

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><p>All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.<p>

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><p>All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.<p> 


	4. Chapters 16 through 20

Chapter 16.

AN: u no wut! **No, what?** sut up ok! **Sit up?** proov 2 me ur nut prepz! **I think we already proved that we're very much your idea of preps, because your idea of preps is everyone without serious, serious problems.** raven u suk u fuken bich **Did not see that coming.** gimme bak mah fukijn swteet **Wait, so this fight was started over the theft of a single piece of candy? You're an even worse person than I thought, if that's possible.** ur supsd 2 rit dis! **And lazy too.** Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! **Well, at least she finally escaped. You're welcome Raven, wherever you are.** BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese! **I have a bad feeling about this...**

**No, antichrist! Use your powers for good! Only you can prevent the apocalypse! And yes, this running gag will now begin to deteriorate into a series of Good Omens jokes. **

We ran happily to Hogsmede. **And no one tried to stop you because it wasn't a hogsmede day and there were classes and shit. That'd screw up the alleged plot.** There we saw the stage where GC had played. **It's the same stage? Since when is there a high-profile stadium in hogsmede?** We ran in happly. **For Picard's sake, do you even know more than 5 adjectives? **MCR were there playing 'Helena'. **Because of course you didn't have to wait at all. Time bends to your will.** I was so fucking happy! **We gathered that. **Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. **Of course he did. I suppose you're going to seduce him too now?** Even Draco thought so, **Haha, so he decided to get back at you for your little slip up last time?** I could totally see him getting an erection **Or not...** but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. **What is it with Mary Sues and rushing into relationships?** I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. **Wait, I thought you went straight here. You already described what you were wearing in class. And it was not that.** Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. **Which apparently came into being at the same time as the guitar turned into him.** Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. **Moving on.** We frenched. **Of course you did.** We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. **While frenching.** Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. **Wait, what?** So did the others. **Huh?** We gasped. It wasn't them at all. **WHA?** It was.,…**Ok, I suppose this one might be legit suspense even if it is stupid suspense, but it STILL doesn't justify an ellipsis this long.**….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! **Death Dealers. That's actually annoyingly catchy. Volsemort and the Death Dealers. That's actually not a bad name for a band. DAMN YOU COPYRIGHT LAWS!**

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. **WHAT? YOU'RE ALREADY THERE! You have truly mastered the mood swing.** "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them" **If he's willing to do it again without your consent, you're fucked anyway. Just enjoy the alleged music while you can.**

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli **I don't think that's a verb.** cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. **Since when? Also, why are you treating it like The-act-which-must-not-be-named? You haven't exactly been shy up till now.**

"Yeah cause we you know!" **HAHAHAHAHAHA! STUPIDEST SENTENCE IN THIS CHAPTER!...So far.** I yielded in an angry voice. **Yielded? YIELDED?**

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. **Please let him be right.** "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **It shows how much this story has corrupted me that my immediate thought is "THREEWAY?"**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. **Mainstream doesn't equal bad.** "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?" **WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?**

"NO." he muttered loudly. **HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!**

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily. **Shooted. Incorrectly conjugating words isn't just for 2 year olds anymore!**

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees **That was even faster than I expected.** and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me. **At a MCR concert. I'm sure they won't mind at all.**

I was flattened cause that's not even a single, **What?** he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! **I think there's a pretty good chance he knew them for some other reason.**

"OK then I guess I will have to." **That was surprisingly easy. T minus 5 to next mood swing.** I said and then we frenched **French: Adjective, verb, and noun. Is there anything they can't do? Oh wait...** 4 a while and I went up 2 my room. **Didn't even have to come back to the castle. Didn't you mention something about Voldemort?**

B'loody Mary was standing there. **Of course. I wonder why we haven't seen any of Hermione in this story?** "Hajimemashite gurl." **She's corrupting 2 languages now? This is moving too fast.** she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese **Somehow I doubt that.**). "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. **Oh. Right. You can't prevent real life feuds over a piece of candy from bleeding into your fiction.** she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." **"Just like we skipped English and failed everything else.** (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **Now that just makes fun of itself.**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily. **Yes. Laughed angrily. !**

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das **Nice one Captain Autocheck!** niteMARE b4 xmas. **Like shooting fish in a barrel.** "Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **Because that's a perfectly in perspective punishment for someone who got one piece of your candy by unspecified means.**

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. **Am I even needed anymore? These are making themselves quite apparent.** "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her **WHAT?**and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **HOLY CRAP, WHAT?**

"Kawai." I commnted happily . **There are no words...** We talked to each other in silence **We also made the sound of one hand clapping and used our combined mental energy to make a tree crash in the woods where no one was around to hear it and wondered if it had made a sound.**for da rest uv da movie.

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." **Yes, she's going with the band. The entire band. All at once.** I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA." **Wait, now you're talking to the communications officer from Command and Conquer? I'm so confused!**

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. **CoMPLeteLY RANdoM cAPItoLIZatioN fTw** "Omfg totally lets go shopping." **Please don't.**

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that Tara.**

"No." My head snaped up. **SNAPE? WHERE?**

'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?" **Are you secretly Azula? because you're being hyper paranoid right now.**

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. **Laughter always warrants a NOOOOOOOO! from me. Seriously though, this raises disturbing questions about what Tara does to her former friends to terrify her followers so.** "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all." **Bloody muggles. Always expanding.**

"Hu told u abut them" **The leader of the People's Republic of China?** I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me! **So many problems within that one little sentence...**). Or me. **Yes. Because you probably just forgot about it.**

"Dumblydore." She sed. **Finally, Dumbledore acts like his supportive, friendly self.**"Let me just call our broms."

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly. **QUIETLY. THAT'S WHY IT'S IN CAPS.**

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. **Travelling salesmen? Figures you'd be dumb enough to trust them.** The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **There are so many directions I could go with this, and yet I can't pick one.** and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs." **In other words: Keep walking.**

"Da real goffs?" **WHERE?**Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! **Yeah, according to this story it's all but 5 or so people.** Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." **I'm pretty sure there's no such thing.** He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera." **Didn't you just get here? How do you even know who they are?**

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, **ANGST.** running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit. **Please, don't describe every item in the store to us.**

"Oh my satan **Uh, wait, what?** you have to buy that outfit" **SHOPLIFTER!**The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary. **I think you're missing the point here.**

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. **Do you maintain this shop for the sole reason of hitting on girls?** Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked. **Apparently so.**

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way **A critical blow in the great feud! The hounds of war will dine well tonight!**what's yours?"

"Tom Rid." **This scene just got way creepier. Like, Bill Pullman in Torchwood creepy and then some. Plus Fenrir Greyback. And Robin Williams when he's playing sex offenders.** He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight." **IT'S A TRAP! Where's Ackbar when you need him?**

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" **Does that automatically make it impossible for you to encounter each other at any point? Besides, you're not exactly being monogamous.** I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, **Don't really think the conversation was heading that way, although he was hitting on you. Creepily, since he's clearly Voldemort from that name.** Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. **Hagrid can't ride brooms, he's too big. He has Sirius Black's old flying motorcycle, which-ah fuck it, if you don't know you probably don't care.** "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" **Why, exactly? Could you be a bit more specific?**

Chapter 17.

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! **Lads, open fire.** if ur a prep den dnot red it! **We're trying. You make it so hard.** u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. **Woah, wait, what? I've been to her FF homepage and there doesn't seem to be anything of the kind. Can someone find this and resurrect it? Please?** if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! **Moooooooooooood swiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings! Mood swings? MOOD SWINGS! **_**Mood swings **_**Mood.****Swings. ****Mood **_**swings. Mood **_**swings.**

**NO Adam! Run! You can't go brain dead here! Crowley will get in trouble!**

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. **That's because IT'S A TRAP!** He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted **If HE wanted?** koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual) **Just like all other males in this story.**. Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. **It's a mark of what this story has done to me that I noticed that shooting and cum were in the same sentence.** "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. **You aren't even taking note of why he's doing anything?** "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." **And go fuck your fucking little fucking dog too ya fucker!** Well anyway Willow came. **See above note about what this story has done to me, an-Wait, isn't willow dead?**Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said. **Not more Japanese.** **This was hard enough to understand in English.**

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. **And yet somehow she hasn't managed to sleep with everyone in hogwarts yet. It's a bit odd.** She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, **SHUT UP DAMN YOU! SHUT UP!** leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. **Of course they did.** She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **That seems a bit contradictory. Also, I believe "Thin enough to be anorexic" is around the point where you should start reading "Thin" as "Malnourished" or "Insubstantial."**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked. **I believe we established that awhile ago.**

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." **Enjoy your careers as gong ringers.** she anserred happily. **Answered what?** Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. **See above notes about what this story has done to me.** They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. **I'm really starting to think I'm not needed anymore.** Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. **How unsurprising.** He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. **I think I've commented on your lack of originality previously.** Draco was wearing black leather pants, **And so begins the legend...** a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. **I'm not even going to ask.** B'loody Mart **Sale sale sale! All blood must go!** was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. **The mascot for the Dracola Cola corporation? Is this some kind of metaphor for corporations? It all makes sense now! How wal-mart and Coca Cola joined forces or sold out to each other or, well, something.** Dracola used to be called Navel **Who?** but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. **This sounds familiar.** They dyed in a car crash. **A CAR CRASH KILL LILY AND JAMES POTTER?** Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. **Of course he did. Because otherwise he'd be an antagonist.** He was in Slitherin now. **Just like everyone else.** He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. **There are so many things wrong with that sentence.** We kall him Dracula now. **Why? Seriously, why?** Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens **Epic. Fail. Seriously, that's just taking the fail a little too far.** (geddit cuz wer gpffik) **What are you talking about?** that his dad Lucian gave him. **Close but no cigar.** We did pot, coke and crak. **While driving! Perhaps this story can finally end.** Draco and I made out. **While Draco was, presumably, driving.** We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. **And were made fun of by us up here. Which makes me wonder, am I being made fun of now by some celestial being I know nothing of?** We soon got there….**SUSPENSE. **I gapsed. **How anti climactic.**

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! **You've mentioned this quite a bit. Now get on with it and tell this to Draco, miserably failing to predict his reaction.** He locked even sexier den he did in pix. **It saddens me that Microsoft Word spell check didn't pick up "Pix"** He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. **Yeah, yeah, we know you're just going to end this by linking us to a picture. **He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. **Well that means...basically nothing.** We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. **But nobody gives a shit what they were.** Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. **I don't remember you mentioning a mask.** So did the other membez. **Odd** I gasped. **You do that alot.** It wasn't Gerard at all! **This seems oddly familiar.** It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes...**IT'S A TRAP!** Every1 ran away but me and Draco. **Morons. And by the way, I warned you about this paragraphs ago.** Draco and I came. **You're just doing this to test how much you've twisted my brain, aren't you?** It was….**The lack of suspense is literally killing me. **Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **As I said last time you used this paragraph, that's actually a really awesome band name.**

"U moronic idiots!" **That's actually a pretty steep drop in quality from previous insults.** he shooted angstily. **Do I even need to say anything?** "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. **Yeah, couldn't you have done that yourself? In fact, weren't you obsessed with doing that yourself?** Thou have failed. **HATH failed. Don't half do middle english.** And now….**SUSPENSE. **I shall kill thou and Draco!" **DUN DUN DUN!**

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife. **Shouldn't he have a wand or something?**

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. **Oh look. A new character.** He had lung black hair **I don't think lungs are particularly known for being black until plague sets in.** and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. **Again, I'm pretty sure that doesn't exist.** He shotted a spel **Epic. Tense. Fail.** and Vlodemort ran away. **RUN AWAY!** It was…**So exciting!**…**(Intermission)**…**Whoever could it be?**…DUMBLYDORE! **From what you just described, it sounds like the mirror universe version of Dumbledore. The evil kind, with a goatee.**

Chapter 18.

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! **Face my flaming sword, scum.**if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!

**And I shall call it...Dog.**

I woke up the next day in my coffin. **Oh, right. You claim to be a vampire of some kind.** I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, **Eye sparrow? **blood-bed lipstick **Blood bed. I don't even want to think about that.** and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. **Yeah, yeah, an- Wait, what happened to the epic Dumbledore vs Voldemort boss fight? I had good seats.** I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it. **I'm fairly certain diamonds only come in a clear-whitish color**

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull **You rent a skull? What?** (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). **It is funny because a squirrel gets dead.** Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. **Must you be so anti climactic?** We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. **Fail. Hyper-epic-mega fail. **There was lace all over it. **Super-ultra-epic-hyper-mega-overdrive fail.** Draco had a black MCR boom. **I don't think I can come up with expression for this much fail.** We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) **The old horror adage holds true. No matter what you write, what they imagine will be worse.**

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. **The hall of grates. It's a furniture store in hogsmede that specializes in grates.** There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. **Why? Since when? Not the ceiling. Please not the ceiling.** But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. **What? Why?** And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. **I don't seem to remember either of them ever making any attempt at being goff. I think you just dislike them.**

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. **Why is Willow sitting so near her killer? Also, how did she come back again?** B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs **To MY thighs?** and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. **You just love doing that, don't you?** We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. **With your dates present. Have you learned nothing?** The boys joined in cause they were bi. **I hate you.**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying **At least it wasn't Neville.** as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. **What character will you ruin this time?** He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. **Wait, wasn't that Dumbledore?** He had normal tan skin **Dumbledore doesn't have particularly tan skin. He's actually a bit pale.** but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. **Why is Dumbledore wearing makeup? I'm scared.**

"…**SUSPENSE**….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!" **You know, it's kinda odd how you haven't mentioned that at all since it happened.**

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?" **Why? What happened to you, man?**

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. **Gryffindor doesn't simply follow Dumbledore's every whim. **Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. **So did the people who, you know, are normal. Oh wait, you killed them all. **We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

"BTW you can call me Albert." **But that isn't your name. You name is Albus Percival Wulfrick Brian Dumbledore.** HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes. **I ALSO enjoy capitalizing WORDS COMPLETELY AT random.  
><strong>  
>"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. <strong>There are so many unfortunate implications there.<strong> We were holding hands. **DUN DUN DUUUUUN!** Vampire looked really jealous. **Of who?** I could see him crying blood **Seriously, you people need medical attention.** in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) **What an amazingly stupid, unnecessary pun** but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted. **I feel like I should say something, but...**

I was so fucking angry. **There are things wrong with you.**

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise **Titling chapters now, are we? And no. No you aren't ok.**

AN: plz stup flaming da story **Burn story, burn!** if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok! **No. Jealousy isn't something you should be worried about the receiving end of. **11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz! **You're going to delt our mean reviews? What? What the hell does delt mean? Oh wait, I see. **111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der! **I don't think anyone said she wasn't. And if they did, they'd be quite justified since **_**Draco called her a muggle. **_1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

**We must never forget Crowley's Bentley's sacrifice.**

All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. **Again, there are so many things wrong with this I have difficulty mocking it.** We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- **The end of this fanfic hell?** da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go. **Didn't it already happen? And didn't they turn out to actually be the death eaters? I'm so confused...**

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly **What an inappropriate adjective.** to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive. **How so? Elaborate.**

I asked what it was and he got all mad me **Why?** and started crying all hot and angsty **Fanfiction has enough angst in it. It doesn't need you besmirching it either.** (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot). **Stop doing that.**

"No one fucking understands me!1" **Maybe we could if you could spell, use grammar, made sense, etc.** he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes **THAT KILLER RABBIT IS CLAWING OUT HIS EYES!** like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. **I don't think I want to know what that is.** He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt **What a surprise. I am stunned. **and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) **First off, that's stupid. Second, with your spelling, it's needlessly confusing because it could've been a mispelling of dye.** I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. **I can't even tell if these are copied anymore they're so similar to each other.** My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. **Must all of your descriptions involve celebrities?** (email me if u wana see da pik) **Huh. I didn't think it was possible for you to sink any lower.**

"Accuse me? What about me!" **What? Who accused you of what? WHAT?** I growled. **Oh right. I keep forgetting you're part lion.  
><strong>  
>"Buy-but-but-" he grunted. <strong>Sounds like he's as confused as we are.<strong>

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned. **I don't even know what's going on anymore.**

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted. **What does it look like?**

But it was to late. **For what?** I knew what I herd. **Which is?** I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. **Something about that sentence is hilarious. I'm not sure what.** Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped **Kinky.** as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces **I don't even want to consider the possibility that that wasn't a typo.** like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois **Seriously. Stop doing that.** (raven that is soo our video!). **And that.** I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO **And the caps.** smoke pot. **And that. Also, I don't think that's how you smoke pot. I may be mistaken though, I'm not an expert on the subject.**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated. **But you can't on the hogwarts grounds.**

"You gave me a fucking shock!" **Something about that seems really awkwardly phrased.** I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?" **So it's doubly impossible for him to be here.**

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. **Shouldn't you have mentioned that minute ago?** Someone else was with him too! **Your previous sentence made that rather clear.** For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid **Didn't you yell at him for being a perv for something almost completely innocent he did? And more importantly, ISN'T HE VOLDEMORT?** or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore. **Why, exactly?**

"Hey I need to ask you a question." **And it can't wait until you can do it without breaking multiple extremely powerful magical wards and invade her privacy?** he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. **Why?** "What are u wearing to the concert?" **We'll find out when she's there. And it'll be the only thing we find out.**

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped. **I have no idea what she just said.**

"No I just saw there was a concert **The advertising presumably mentioned the band.** dat a lot of gothz and punx **A 4th social group? MADNESS!** were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." **Couldn't he have given it to her before she ran into the bathroom for no apparent reason? Or mentioned it to get her out of said bathroom? How does Dumbledore know about it? Why the hell is Hargrid even there if this was all for Dumbledore's benefit?**

Chapter 20.

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! **Then why do you keep threatening to shut down the story unless you get good reviews? And why do you care when we flame?** stof pflamin ok prepz! **But then what would I do with this flamethrower I got to flame you with? It was very expensive.**1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help! **She's back?**1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania **Maybe we'll get lucky and you'll get bitten by a real vampire and see what an atrocity your work is.** 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. **You update more frequently than every 3 days? You really crank shit out don't you? And I do mean shit.**

**Witchfinder** **Colonel Ye-shall-not-eat-any-living-thing-with-the-blood-neither-shall-ye-use-any-enchantment-nor-observe-times Dalrymple.**

All day I wondered what the surprise was. **Wait, why was Dumbledore informing you of it's existence if you weren't receiving it?** Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, **You have alot of pot, don't you?** a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, **Normally it's a black anything with corset stuff all over it. What a change up. I did not see that coming.** an black gothic compact boots. **What the hell is a compact boot?** MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. **Finally. You explain something.** I slit my wrists **You know what, forget it. I'm not even shocked anymore. This has become the norm for you.** while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, **Dear Picard. I'M BECOMING PAUL THE LLAMA!** feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. **I'm going to assume that's a song name and that she didn't just switch sentences mid sentence.** I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside **The Holy Rabbit has returned!** dat it was Draco so we could do it again. **Please don't.**

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. **We don't know. You haven't told us anything about what's going on yet.** It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." **If that's what you think, close the damn door.** I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. **Wouldn't that amount more to NOT OPENING THE DOOR FOR HIM? Also, you're 17, which is the wizarding world's coming of age. Therefore, they aren't pedos for looking at you. Out of character and horrible people, yes, but not pedos. Unless of course, my opinion that you're actually 7 is correct.**

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) **What? I don't even- WHAT?** kan I plz burrow sum condemns." **That makes sense. She is the school slut after all.** he growld angrily. **Adjective/verb doesn't match the sentence. Like, at all.**

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" **I think birth control would be the least of his problems if that were the case.** I shouted sarkastikally. **She's discovered sarcasm. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!**

"Fuker." He said, gong away. **I have someone I'd like to introduce yourself. This is the verb "Leave." Leave, Tara. Tara Leave.**

Well anyway, **As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.** I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick **Couldn't you have just smeared your face with black paint?** and white foundation. **Oh.** Then I went. **I take it you and Leave aren't getting along?** Den I gasped…**Whatever could it be?**…**SUSPENSE**…**I can't wait**…**(Intermission)**…**These elipses are building dramatic tension**…**(Drumroll)**…**The suspense is killing me!**…**It's also killing the story**…**Or would be if it weren't already dead**…**I'm going to stop now**…**To FF readers who can't see how long these actually are, suffice it to say there are at least 30 more dots**….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, **ARRRRRRRRGH!** and Dobby was watching!1 **Dobby? Since when is Dobby in this?**

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. **STOP DOING THAT!** Dobby ran away crying. **Why was he there in the first place?** Dey got up, though. **What?** Normally I wood have ben turned on **You're a horrible, horrible person.** (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. **I repeat: A horrible, horrible person.** (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) **Wouldn't it have been easier for you to just move Draco to Gryffindor instead of moving damn near every other character in the series to a different house?**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" **Probably. Although if he cared enough to go all the way to your room to get one I doubt he would have simply gone ahead anyway without trying some other way of getting more, but horny people do odd things. For example, writing this fic.** I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) **I don't think that's the word you meant to spell.**

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" **She never said that. You gave up surprisingly easily.** Lumpkin **This is getting out of control.**shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." **Yes. He should've. Your own fault, you're the author.** I replayed. **You suck at word choice.**

"You dimwit!." **Dimwit.!.?,#";:'** Snake began 2 shoot angrily. **ARRRRRRRGH!** And then…**SUSPENSE**…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. **You have a camera?** U could see that they were naked and everything. **Always one of the more difficult details to capture in a photo.**

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. **What?** "What was dat al about?" **Yeah, what was it all about?**

"It wuz to blackmail u." **Because 2 grown men can't overpower you and smash your camera at all. You don't need to run away and establish a distribution system you can set off if anything goes wrong in the least.** I snarked. **That isn't snarking.** "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. **They never did that. Snape was the one who let you off for that.** So fuck off, u bastards!" **What's wrong with you?** I started to run. **Finally.** They chased me **They should've done that while you were gloating. **but I threw my wound at them **Yes. She injured herself and ripped off the damaged part of her body, throwing it at them.** and dey tripped over it. **Wands are not to be wasted like that.** Well anyway, I went outside **Shouldn't you go back to your room and do something with the picture? Maybe make some backup copies?** and there was Vampire, **Of course there was. **looking extremely fucking hot. **Of course he was.**

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him. **Where'd Draco what? What's going on? Are you assuming they follow each other constantly? I thought we got rid of that problem. WHAT'S GOING ON?**

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. **Like everyone else in this fic.** He told me he wouldn't cum." **OCCLMENSYYYYYYYY! Seriously though, was this supposed to be a prearranged meeting, cause I don't remember anything of the kind.** Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? **No. Please don't.** 2 the concert?" **Thank Picard.**

Then….. he showed me his flying car. **Isn't that supposed to be Draco's? Or rather, it's supposed to be the Weasleys but you gave it to Draco because you're an idiot who hates canon and logic?** I gasped. It was a black car. **I too am shocked when I discover a car's color.** He said his dogfather Serious Blak **That can't be a pun because there's no geddit. It's a moderately amusing coincidence, however.** had given it 2 him. **Sirius had a flying motorcycle. Which he gave to Hagrid.** The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. **Making it an upgrade of Draco's plain 666.** The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it. **He has 2 different liscense plates? I'm pretty sure that's illegal, even if both of them are vanity plates.**

…**SUSPENSE.**….I gasped. **Again.**

We flew to the concert hall. **Again.** MCR were there, playing. **Again.**

Vampire and I began 2 make out, **Again.**moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. **Again.** Gerard was so fucking hot! **Yeah, yeah, we've seen this. Same story different band.** He begin 2 sing 'Helena' **Wait, wasn't that also playing at a concert for a completely different band earlier? I'm starting to lose track.** and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. …**(Drumroll)**….And den, I heard some crrying. **Strange.** I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **Again.**


	5. Chapters 20 through 25

Chapter 20.

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! **Then why do you keep threatening to shut down the story unless you get good reviews? And why do you care when we flame?** stof pflamin ok prepz! **But then what would I do with this flamethrower I got to flame you with? It was very expensive.**1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help! **She's back?**1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania **Maybe we'll get lucky and you'll get bitten by a real vampire and see what an atrocity your work is.** 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. **You update more frequently than every 3 days? You really crank shit out don't you? And I do mean shit.**

**Witchfinder** **Colonel Ye-salt-not-eat-any-living-thing-with-the-blood-neither-shall-ye-use-enchantments-nor-observe-times Dalrymple.**

All day I wondered what the surprise was. **Wait, why was Dumbledore informing you of it's existence if you weren't receiving it?** Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, **You have alot of pot, don't you?** a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, **Normally it's a black anything with corset stuff all over it. What a change up. I did not see that coming.** an black gothic compact boots. **What the hell is a compact boot?** MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. **Finally. You explain something.** I slit my wrists **You know what, forget it. I'm not even shocked anymore. This has become the norm for you.** while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, **Dear Picard. I'M BECOMING PAUL THE LLAMA!** feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. **I'm going to assume that's a song name and that she didn't just switch sentences mid sentence.** I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside **The Holy Rabbit has returned!** dat it was Draco so we could do it again. **Please don't.**

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. **We don't know. You haven't told us anything about what's going on yet.** It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." **If that's what you think, close the damn door.** I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. **Wouldn't that amount more to NOT OPENING THE DOOR FOR HIM? Also, you're 17, which is the wizarding world's coming of age. Therefore, they aren't pedos for looking at you. Out of character and horrible people, yes, but not pedos. Unless of course, my opinion that you're actually 7 is correct.**

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) **What? I don't even- WHAT?** kan I plz burrow sum condemns." **That makes sense. She is the school slut after all.** he growld angrily. **Adjective/verb doesn't match the sentence. Like, at all.**

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" **I think birth control would be the least of his problems if that were the case.** I shouted sarkastikally. **She's discovered sarcasm. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!**

"Fuker." He said, gong away. **I have someone I'd like to introduce yourself. This is the verb "Leave." Leave, Tara. Tara Leave.**

Well anyway, **As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.** I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick **Couldn't you have just smeared your face with black paint?** and white foundation. **Oh.** Then I went. **I take it you and Leave aren't getting along?** Den I gasped…**Whatever could it be?**…**SUSPENSE**…**I can't wait**…**(Intermission)**…**These elipses are building dramatic tension**…**(Drumroll)**…**The suspense is killing me!**…**It's also killing the story**…**Or would be if it weren't already dead**…**I'm going to stop now**…**To FF readers who can't see how long these actually are, suffice it to say there are at least 30 more dots**….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, **ARRRRRRRRGH!** and Dobby was watching!1 **Dobby? Since when is Dobby in this?**

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. **STOP DOING THAT!** Dobby ran away crying. **Why was he there in the first place?** Dey got up, though. **What?** Normally I wood have ben turned on **You're a horrible, horrible person.** (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. **I repeat: A horrible, horrible person.** (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) **Wouldn't it have been easier for you to just move Draco to Gryffindor instead of moving damn near every other character in the series to a different house?**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" **Probably. Although if he cared enough to go all the way to your room to get one I doubt he would have simply gone ahead anyway without trying some other way of getting more, but horny people do odd things. For example, writing this fic.** I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) **I don't think that's the word you meant to spell.**

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" **She never said that. You gave up surprisingly easily.** Lumpkin **This is getting out of control.**shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." **Yes. He should've. Your own fault, you're the author.** I replayed. **You suck at word choice.**

"You dimwit!." **Dimwit.!.?,#";:'** Snake began 2 shoot angrily. **ARRRRRRRGH!** And then…**SUSPENSE**…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. **You have a camera?** U could see that they were naked and everything. **Always one of the more difficult details to capture in a photo.**

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. **What?** "What was dat al about?" **Yeah, what was it all about?**

"It wuz to blackmail u." **Because 2 grown men can't overpower you and smash your camera at all. You don't need to run away and establish a distribution system you can set off if anything goes wrong in the least.** I snarked. **That isn't snarking.** "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. **They never did that. Snape was the one who let you off for that.** So fuck off, u bastards!" **What's wrong with you?** I started to run. **Finally.** They chased me **They should've done that while you were gloating. **but I threw my wound at them **Yes. She injured herself and ripped off the damaged part of her body, throwing it at them.** and dey tripped over it. **Wands are not to be wasted like that.** Well anyway, I went outside **Shouldn't you go back to your room and do something with the picture? Maybe make some backup copies?** and there was Vampire, **Of course there was. **looking extremely fucking hot. **Of course he was.**

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him. **Where'd Draco what? What's going on? Are you assuming they follow each other constantly? I thought we got rid of that problem. WHAT'S GOING ON?**

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. **Like everyone else in this fic.** He told me he wouldn't cum." **OCCLMENSYYYYYYYY! Seriously though, was this supposed to be a prearranged meeting, cause I don't remember anything of the kind.** Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? **No. Please don't.** 2 the concert?" **Thank Picard.**

Then….. he showed me his flying car. **Isn't that supposed to be Draco's? Or rather, it's supposed to be the Weasleys but you gave it to Draco because you're an idiot who hates canon and logic?** I gasped. It was a black car. **I too am shocked when I discover a car's color.** He said his dogfather Serious Blak **That can't be a pun because there's no geddit. It's a moderately amusing coincidence, however.** had given it 2 him. **Sirius had a flying motorcycle. Which he gave to Hagrid.** The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. **Making it an upgrade of Draco's plain 666.** The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it. **He has 2 different liscense plates? I'm pretty sure that's illegal, even if both of them are vanity plates.**

…**SUSPENSE.**….I gasped. **Again.**

We flew to the concert hall. **Again.** MCR were there, playing. **Again.**

Vampire and I began 2 make out, **Again.**moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. **Again.** Gerard was so fucking hot! **Yeah, yeah, we've seen this. Same story different band.** He begin 2 sing 'Helena' **Wait, wasn't that also playing at a concert for a completely different band earlier? I'm starting to lose track.** and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. …**(Drumroll)**….And den, I heard some crrying. **Strange.** I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **Again.**

Chapter 21.

AN: fuk u ok! **Finally you reference a song I've heard.** u fokng suk. **What's a Fokng? What gives you the impression that I'm one?** itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok **Yes. Yes it is.** koz dat bich ravern **Ravern? Who's this Ravern and why are you blaming it on her?** cuz it fok u prepz! **I think you switched sentences in the middle again there. **1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. **Now **_**that **_**is a mood swing.** btw transilvana rox hrad!1 **Is Transylvania sparkling now? Someone go check, she wouldn't've enjoyed it otherwise.** I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! **They filmed a Dr. Kola ad in Transylvania? Seriously though, I don't think any of the Dracula movies were filmed on location. I might be wrong about that, but what's more likely, that I'm wrong or Captain Crazy is?**

**Crap. I'm running out of Good Omens jokes.**

Later we all went in the skull. **The magical crystal skull of DESTINY!** Draco was crying in da common room. **He followed you home, crying all the way.** "Draco are u okay?" **Obviously not. And judging from previous events, it's probably your fault.** I asked in a gothic voice. **Define gothic voice. I want to see what bullshit you come up with.**

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" **Yep, her fault.** he shouted angrily. **I was expecting him to shout hartily.** He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. **Was he intentionally hitting walls? GLoating about his suicide plans? Charging at swords held by suits of armor?** I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. **How redundant. Redundant sentence is redundant. Did we mention it was redundant?**

"Its ok Enoby." **Yeah, he'll just mysteriously not die for no apparent reason, like last time.** said Vampire comfortly. **He said it comfortably?** "Ill make him feel better." **OCCLUMENSYYYYYYYYYY!**

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" **I think that was the implication, yes. Maybe you should go do it.** I shouted angrily. **Damn. I guessed zanily. I'm taking a bath on this shouting pool.** Then I ran 2 get Draco. **Wait, did she actually take my advice? It was a joke.** Vampire came too. **Of course he did.**

"Draco please come!" **OCCLUMENSYYYYYYYY!** he began to cry. **Of course he did.** Tears of blood came down his pail face. **Ok, now he has a pail for a head and is STILL crying blood? Seriously, even you should know that isn't healthy.** I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. **But any sort of homosexuality between women is repulsive to you, as are geyz and fahgz.** (if ur a homophone den fuk of!) **(Holds up a mirror)**

And then…**I couldn't possibly solve this cliffhanger. Can you?**….. we herd sum footsteps! **You fail suspense forever. **Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. **Coke: Is there nothing it can't do?** We both gut under it. **Yes, you swallowed it into your guts, go on.** We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, **Seriously, how do you fail that badly? Did you think Filch was- DAMN YOU!** shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand. **Again, why are wizards using flashlights? Admittedly Filch is a squib and/or this is a gender flipped anthropromorphic cat, but he/she/it would probably use a lantern**

"WHOSE THERE!" **Tense. Fail.** he shouted angrily. **I WON, I- Oh wait, I thought that said Artfully.** We saw Filth come. **Seriously. Stop doing that.** He went unda da invisibility cloke **What's that? Where is it?** and started to meow loudly. **Ok, so Filch and Mrs. Norris have been combined into one entity. That's significantly less disturbing.**

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris. **Does anybody care!**

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" **You're an idiot.** Vampire said under his breast **I'm not even going to begin to delve into the horror of that error. **in a disgusted way. **We're disgusted too.**

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" **Indeed.** yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. **My curren theory is that Filch has been made mostly cat and Mrs. Norris mostly human due to some kind of bizarre denetic experiment.** "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. **Well duh.** Filth nodded. And then **You know what? I'm just going to put spaces inbetween the elipses so you can see how absurdly long this is. **… … … … … … … … … . **And some of them were roughly triple that.**Vampir frenched me! **Please one-dimensional shell of Harry, this is hardly the time.** He did it jus as…**SUSPENSE**….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1 **Wait, was he wearing it? What's going on?**

"WHAT DA-" **Yes. What indeed. I never would have guessed that someone would wear a cloak.** he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. **While still frenching.** And den we saw Draco crying **How did he get out?** n bustin in2 tearz **I believe "crying" covered that pretty well.** and slitting his rists **As usual.** outside of da school. **Why did he bother to come all that way?**

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?" **In future, let's just assume that none of you are ok. It'll save time.**

"I guess though." **Though what? Spit it out!** Draco weeped. **That adjective feels very wrong there.** We went back to our coffins frenching each other. **And Filch and Mrs. Norris were never seen again.** Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid **Aren't your alleged coffins in different parts of the castle?** (c isnt da deprezzin) **No. The fact that someone like you can possibly exist is depressing.** on the gothic red bed together. **In your coffins. Did you just put a mattress on top of them?** As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up **THE WITCH IS DEAD!** and suddenly I had a vision **DING DONG THE- Damn it.** of something that was happening now. **Good for you.** There was a knok on the door and Fug **Wow. She can't even almost spell fuck anymore.** and da Mystery of Magic **The very embodiement of the mysterious nature of magic?** walked into the school!1 **But of course, you didn't notice because you were having a vision.**

Chapter 22.

AN: stfu! **I will never shut up** prepz stup flaming **For I am The Fiery Crow, LORD OF HELLFIRE! I AM A SERVANT OF THE SECRET FIRE! WIELDER OF THE FLAME OF ANOR!** ok if u dnot lik it fuk of **THE DARK POWER WILL NOT AVAIL YOU, FLAME OF UDUN!** I no itz mr. noris **Except it isn't.** itz raven's folt ok! **Yes. Because things got **_**so **_**much better after she left. **11 u suk! **This sounds familiar. But can her writing get any worse?** 1 no jus kidding **Ah, remember your somewhat...tenuous partnership?** raven u fokieng rok **MOOD SWINGS! **prepz suk!1 **By which you mean everyone but you and 5 or so other people.**

All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. **Yes, the immense burden that magical power places upon one. With great power comes great responsibility.** Well anyway, I woke up the next day. **Shocker.** I was in my coffin so I opened the door. **I love those coffins with convenient open-from-the-inside lids.** I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. **Too much information.** Then I gasped. **As usual.**

Standing in front of me where…**Where what?**…. B;loody Mary, **Odd that we haven't seen Hermione yet.** Vampire, **Oh look, a horrible crushed shell of his former self.** Diabolo, **The Greek God of hunting bolos.** Draco, **The one under your mind control** Dracula **Formerly Navel, after he was initially hit with the horrible weapons of Suedom, formerly Vlad Dracul III. No relation to Neville Longbottom.** and Willow! **Who's dead!**

I opened my crimson eyes. **Why were you sleeping with your contacts in?** Willow was wearing a tight black leather top **You really, really suck at fanservice.** with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt **On her torso?** wit lace on it and black gothic boots **Not just any boots. **_**Gothic boots.**_ that was attached to the top.** Is it just me or did that sentence make absolutely no sense? I guess I should be used to that by now.** Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants **Well, it may not be particularly creative, but it's better than alot of her previous descriptions.** and Vans. **Whats? He was literally wearing multiple ton vehicles?** Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans **It's like she's unaware that there's more than one color. It's fascinating.** and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, **And she's back to one of her higher low points.** and almost as fucking sexy. **Seriously, considering everyone is allegedly in love with you, just go track down this Gerard Way fellow and seduce him. Leave Hogwarts the hell alone.** Vampire looked like Joel Madden. **You're just lazy as hell, aren't you?** B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage** Yes. All of it. She just cut the chest out. However, since all the guys in this story are gay and all the girls are straight, no one noticed.** with a white apron **Odd** that said 'bich' **THE GERMANS ARE COMING!** and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. **That explains alot.** Darkness (who is Jenny) **Who? Also, isn't Darkness supposed to be your name?** was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress **Unsurprising.** with ripped stuff all over it **Redundantly unsurprising.** and a lace-up top thing **Unsurprising.** and black pointy boots. **Unsurprising.** So were Crab and Goyle. **WHAT? WHY WERE THEY WEARING THOSE?** It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. **Wait, isn't "Diabolo" supposed to be Ron? I seem to recall Ron Weasley being completely unrelated to Vicent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle.** He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. **But...he's a vampire. He's undead. Besides, you've slit your wrists, what, 30 times in this story? You seem to be alive, presumably from being an alleged "Vampire"** He had raped them and stuff before too. **No comment, just...no comment.** They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. **Stanism. May the Spirit of the immortal Stan Lee be with thee for eternity. With great power comes great responsibility. EXCELSIOR!**

"OMFG" **STFU** I yielded as I jumped up. **I don't think yielded was really the word you wanted there.** "Why the fuck are u all here?" **We wish we knew.**

"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said. **Yeah. This fanfic. You can end it now Draco.**

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily. **We'll wait.**

"It's all right. **No. No it isn't.** We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. **Seriously, what's wrong with you people?** Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice. **I feel like I should say something, but I don't know what.**

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective." **Couldn't have **_**anything**_** to do with your not being dressed.**  
>"I will I will." he said.<p>

So I just put on some black eyeliner, **Here we go again** black lipstick **Shocker.** and red eyeshadow **RED? BLASPHEMY!** and white foundation. **I see.** Then I came. **I thought I told you to stop doing that?** We all went outside the Great Hal **I'm afraid I can't allow you to write this Tara. No 9000 unit has ever made an error.** and looked in from a widow. **The only way we could see in was to use her mourning veil.** A fucking prep **In other words a normal human** called Britney from Griffindoor **And yet somehow you spelled Slytherin correctly.** was standing next to us. **Why? I was under the impression that sane people avoided you for fear of being twisted out of canon.** She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt **Return of the running gag. **so we put up our middle fingers at her. **Seriously, you need to find a better way to put that.** Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. **Dumbledore's basement dwelling, D&D playing cousin.** Cornelia Fudged **Maybe all of this was caused by a defective spell check, because I really don't see how Cornelius became Cornelia.** was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge **(Insert moderately witty Jack Sparrow reference here)**was there too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" **"NO LIVING MAN MAY HINDER ME!"** she shouted angrily. **Damn. I bet on delightedly this time.** "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!" **I suspect the Ta-Ebony squad is celebrating.**

"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" **Is he a giant dog or a sentient tree? Cause I believe there are defenses against both.**yelled Cornelia Fudge.

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" **"IF YOU CAN'T FIND THAT WITHIN YOURSELF, YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WEAR THAT UNIFORM!"** yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! **Wait, Alzheimers? What Alzheimers?** YOU MUST RETRY **You have failed our mysterious invisible test: Would you like to try again?** OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!" "**Nice students you've got here. It'd be a shame if someone were to, I don't know, SET FIRE TO THEM?"**

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. **Stop changing character's names already!** We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort **Finally, we get back to the source material.** and she is in the school. **She? Well, I guess I couldn't expect the Mary Sue Author Avatar to not usurp the main character's destiny.** And her name is…**I do not know what is coming.**…**Such tension**…**SUSPENSE**…**Whoever could it be?**…**It's a mystery!**…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **And then, from the crowd, someone yelled "What the hell kind of name is that?" And after the investigation this sparked it turned out that Ebony was actually a reality warping serial killer with a strange, twisted imagination hiding in the school under a false name.**

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other **I feel like you could've just said "Everyone"**…**SUSPENSE**…I gasped. **Suspense fail.**

**Commentator's note: I've been forced to switch rehosts, as apparently the one I was using used up it's monthly bandwidth. More than halfway through the next month, it hasn't returned, so I've switched. While I am assured by multiple sources that the one I have been using was the original text, I have no verification on this one whatsoever because I'm too lazy to check. So if anything has been altered from this point on, it probably wasn't me. Also, Microsoft Word has informed me that there are too many errors in this document to continue displaying them. Congrats Tara!**

Chapter 23.

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 **If I haven't shut up by now, I'm not going to.** ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 **I'm not so much jealous of that as mortified that that is possible for a story this horrible.** fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox **So this is Raven's fault.** gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha! **Still trying to bribe her back, I see.**

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. **I prefer to stomp out of places happily, myself.** Then Dumbledum **Tweedledee, Tweedledum and Dumbledum.** and Rumbridge sawed us. **Seriously. Learn to conjugate.**

"MR. WAY **Was not expecting a gender flip here.** WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" **Really? You're censoring yourself now?** Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her. **DUMBLEDORE IS PART FOG HORN?**

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. **Hooray for implied bribery!** "She means hi everybody cum in!" **Somehow I doubt that.**

Well we all came in angrily. **Yes. Because that adjective fits **_**so **_**well.** So did all the other students. **But we don't give a shit about them.** I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. **Crabbe and Goyle have senses of humor?** They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. **I have no idea who that is. Also, I think she's managed to confuse Crabbe and Goyle with Fred and George, which is an impressive feat.** I eight **I'm almost ready to believe that.** some Count Chocula **Go on** and drank som blood from a cup. **(Spit take)** Then I herd someone shooting angrily. **Because most people fire guns calmly and without emotion.** I looked behind me it was…**Just get it the hell over with**…Vampire! **No!** He and Draco were shooting at eachother. **Old fashioned dinin' hall shootout.**

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1" **ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHH**

"No I do!" shouted. **What is wrong with you people?**

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco. **No one likes you. You're the mangled remnant of our favorite character.**

"No fuck you motherfucker **Fucking fuck you fucker I don't fucking give a fucking rat's fucking fuck what the fuck you fucking think.** she laves me not you!" **Laver: (Lave, laves, lave, lavons, lavez, laveient) French for "To wash." I think I'll let you ponder the implications.** shouted Vampire. And then…**The lack of suspense is killing me**… he jumped on Draco! **Shock!** (no not in dat way u perv) **It wasn't our first though. I'm willing to bet it was yours though. **They started to fight and beat up each other. **You suck at writing fight scenes. And sex scenes. And dialogue. And scene-scenes. And classes. And narration in general. And EVERYTHING.**

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. **Because the guy you have no respect for out of character derailment yelling at you normally gets you to stop.** All of a sudden…**SUSPENSE**… a terrible man with red eyes **For this story, that's incredibly generic.** and no nose **Somewhat more specific.** flew in on his broomstick. **As opposed to his F-15. Oh wait, Tara doesn't separate muggles and wizards. Or fiction and psychological warfare.** He had no nose **You said that already.** and was wearing a gray robe. **That's...not very Voldemorty. **All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. **Odd. I expected him to simply pass through it without damaging anything in the least.** Britney that fucking prep started to cry. **Oh right, that random girl you mentioned in passing earlier and hate for no good reason. **Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating **Yes. She was eating grapes from the bin**….Everyone gasped. **Including Voldemort. **Da room fell silent **That's an oddly sophisticated sentence for Tara**…**Maybe she's reformed. I suppose we'll see at the end of this elipsis next month**….Volzemort!** Nope. Still the same.**

"Eboby…..Ebony…." Darth Valer **Uh, who?** sed evilly in his raspy voice. **I wouldn't describe Lord Vader's voice as raspy. Well, not while he has the helmet on. And assuming she doesn't mean his breathing.** "Thou havfe failed ur mission. **What did you want her to do? You just got here. Dare I say it...BACKSTORY?** Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. **Assuming you're here to collect on Voldy's previous threat, couldn't you people have just killed him yourself?** If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!" **Before now? What's before now? Did you bring your TARDIS that you obviously used to come to this universe?**

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged. **Fewer people die if you do it. The bastard is going to die anyway. Then again, considering** **the incompetence** **of the villains here, you may be able to trick them. Then again, you're an idiot.**

"No!" he laughed crudely. **All of that seems to contradict, well, itself.** "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" **This is a stupid plan.** Then he flew away cackling. **I guess he never got out of the tie fighter he showed up in between paragraphs.**

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me. **It's how she relaxes.** Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. **I think we generally call those Zombie Eyes.** I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot **That's a creative typo.** coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way. **First of all: Just let him kill himself you moron. If you wanted to be sure, you should've started earlier. Second: I don't think it's possible to slit your wrists in a non depressed way.**

"No!" I screamed sexily. **Not the adjective you're looking for there.**Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up. **I doubt this.**

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive. **Seriously, learn more adjectives and, more importantly, learn to use them.**

"No its not!" **Make up your damn mind.** I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. **Still haven't seen a doctor about that? Not even a field medic? A medical student? A kid with a stethoscope?** "OMFG **STFU** what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!" **Stop **_**doing **_**that.**

"Its ok gurl." **No. It needs to be burned.** said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister **Doctor Strange's arch nemesis?** about what the visions mean though." **I think they were pretty damned clear. Also, I don't seem to remember her mentioning visions to you, only possession.**

"Ok bich." **This is why you have no sane friends.** I said sadly **Again, wrong adjective.** and den we went. **How can anyone who's read an actual book write like this? Oh wait...**

Chapter 24.

AN: prepz stup flaming **But the leprechaun told me to burn things.** da story ur jus jelous **I don't even think chimpanzees are jealous of you.** so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 **We'd have much better authors there. And brilliant composers.** raven fagz **It took me a second to realize that was a typo.** 4 di help! **I don't think she really came back.**

Well we had Deviation **You have entire classes in uniqueness?** next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry **The alter-ego of Professor Sinister. **about the visions.

"Konnichiwa **I have a bad feeling about this.** everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese. **So many jokes I can make. Too many. OVERLOAD! HUMOR OVERLOAD!**She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. **Yes. She can only smell things with her lipstick on them.** She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. **If she actually is a supervillain, you may be right for once.** She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. **Just like everyone else. Anywhere else though, that might be some kind of supervillain description. Maybe not a particularly high quality supervillain, but a supervillain.** (hr mom woz a vampire. **Somehow I doubt that.** She's also haf Japanese **That's going too far.** so she speaks it and everyfing. **Although since she's being written by Tara, not well.** she n b'loody mry get along grate **Ironic. The one teacher Hermione disliked is the one her replacement gets along with.**) She's really young for a teacher. **Now **_**there's **_**a surprise.** 2day she was wearing a black leather top **Standard.** with red lace **Standard.** and a long goffik black ripped dress. **School issue.** We went inside the black classroom **The classroom was black? **_**Really? **_**It's black enough that no other description or interesting detail or class that is taught in it precludes the fact that a part of it is black? **with pastors of Emily the Strong. **Mighty Goddess of the Goffs, Empress of the Lost Lands, Queen of the Black Isle, Dark Lady of the sea.** I raced my hand. **She detached it and attempt to beat it to her desk. It lost, after flopping about on the floor for a few moments.** I was wearing some black naie Polish **She was wearing a black naive Polish man?** with red pentagrams on it. **How much time do you people spend crafting these tiny details into your nail polish?**

"What is it Ebony?" **What's what? What are you even asking about?** she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish **"I'm wearing the exact same one! Isn't that an unsurprising coincidence?" **where'd u get it, Hot Topik?" **Presumably the same place you got it.**

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. **I am not goth by any means, nor am I a goth wannabe like you, but I know what hot topic is, in a loose sense. And if I didn't and were in this situation, I'd have picked up from context that it was some kind of store. Then again, I'd have given you a weird look because you're a fucking idiot.** I gave them the middle finger. **You're starting to clean up that phrasing. Just one unnecessary word this time**"Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?"

"Ho about now?" she asked. **In the middle of class, ignoring all else.**

"OK." I said. **"Screw the class! Fucking preps."**

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." **What is it with you people and excessive swearing?** Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. **I thought that was pretty clear.** "Except for you Britney." **Odd?** she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. **Despite the fact that the other preps were dismissed.** "Please do exorcize (geddit) **It has no business being there.** 1 on page 3." **This seems kinda prejudiced.**

"OK I'm having lotz of visions." **Lotz=1. It isn't misspelled, it's a word she made up.** I said in a worried voice. **Can you please descripe speech in some other fashion?** I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die. **When the gong is struck, he will die.**

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. **Cryptal ball. It's a crystal ball that's cryptic. And black. Despite being crystal. And that must be locked in before use.** I looked at it. **No shit Sherlock.**

"What do you c?" she asked. **"Alot of black. Man, this thing is cryptic."**

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram." **Of course you do.**

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. **At the knock?** It was Draco. **Greeeeeat.** He was looking really sexy **I doubt that.** wearing a black leather facet, **I don't think that's the word you're looking for.** a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes. **Do they spend all their time bogging your feet down and blocking every move you try to make?**

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." **Even among friends, you people are quite insensitive.** said Proffesor Sinister. **As she launched her doomsday weapon.**

"Bye bitch." I said waving.

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. **I don't like where this is going.** We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. **You're now a travelling museum exhibit?**

Chapter 25.

AN: stop flaming ok **I don't think we'll be doing that.** if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 **If he's dating you I seriously doubt he'd be a problem.** n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 **I think the nerds are laughing at you with us. Oh look, there's one now.** FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1 **She clearly hasn't done much.**

I was so excited. **But no longer exhibited?** I fellowed Draco **Wait, you're playing LOTRO now?** wandering **You can't wander and be in a fellowship at the same time. Make up your damn mind.** if we where going 2 do it again. **I hope not, but I think you will.** We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car. **As opposed to all his red and green cars.**

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." **Nothing, really. It was kinda odd. She was no help whatsoever.** whispered Draco potting **With Potter?** his gothic whit hand** Not everything is necessarily gothic. "Oh, I had some Gothic sports drink with it's gothic bottle and wiped some gothic dust off the table" **with bvlak nail polish on mine.

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." **No, she said nothing of the kind.** I grumbled in a sexy voice. **HAHAHAHA!** He took out a heroin cabaret **A heroin cabaret? A drug night club? He had one of those in his pocket? Are you people using Time Lord technology?** and spiked it, **It's a heroin cabaret, I doubt it needs to be spiked. **and gave it to me to spork. **Spork is not a verb.** He started to fly the car into a tree. **What is it with you people and suicide?** We went to the top of it. **Then you weren't flying into it, were you?** Draco put on some MCR. **Of course he did.**

"And all the things that you never ever told me  
>And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." <strong>Oh look, she copied things. You can tell by the spelling.<strong> sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling of each other's cloves **Those typos are so bizarre and nonsensical that I can't make fun of them.** fevently. He took of my blak thong **Not again.** and my black leather bar. **That you keep chained around your neck.** I took of his black boxers. Then…**What will happen next? It is a mystery.**… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool **Wait, Tara's transsexual now? As if this wasn't confusing enough.** sexily. **You keep using that word...**

"OMFG Draco Draco!" **I too frequently use internet abbreviations during sex.** I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. **You just got in position and stopped moving?** Suddenly…**(Drumroll)**… I fell asleep. **We all did that awhile ago.** I started having a dream. **How odd.** In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair. **Racist too, is she?**

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" **Despite already having been shot several times.** they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. **He enjoys overkill.** He ran away in a red car. **Yes, he ran in his car. He stole it from Fred Flintstone.**

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" **She didn't abbreviate it? What happened to her?** I shouted in a scared voice. **"In a (Inappropriate adjective) voice" Is getting really old.**

"Ebony what's wrong?" **You haven't been reading the bits in bold, have you?** Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes. **Why is it that you have semi-normal eyes while everyone else is wearing red contacts?**

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. **I know I say this alot, but, YOU NEED TO SEE A GODDAMN DOCTOR.** I told Draco to call Vampire. **And he had a stupid emo freakout and assumed you were dumping him for Vampire.** He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. **I'm pretty sure bands don't have cell phone brands.** Butt the worst thing was **The spelling? The plot's a major contender though. It could go either way.** who the ppl who were shot in the dream where…**Where what? SPIT IT OUT LASS!**… Lucian and Serious!111 **You don't even know those people yet. Hell, you can't even spell their names.**

* * *

><p><strong>Yes precious, PRECIOUS! WE'VE LOST THE PRECIOUS! Gollum. RRRAAAAAAARGH! Nasty Tarases tooks it. Came creepsy, and tricksy, and MADDENED US!<br>**


	6. Chapters 25 through 30

Chapter 25.

AN: stop flaming ok **I don't think we'll be doing that.** if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 **If he's dating you I seriously doubt he'd be a problem.** n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 **I think the nerds are laughing at you with us. Oh look, there's one now.** FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1 **She clearly hasn't done much.**

I was so excited. **But no longer exhibited?** I fellowed Draco **Wait, you're playing LOTRO now?** wandering **You can't wander and be in a fellowship at the same time. Make up your damn mind.** if we where going 2 do it again. **I hope not, but I think you will.** We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car. **As opposed to all his red and green cars.**

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." **Nothing, really. It was kinda odd. She was no help whatsoever.** whispered Draco potting **With Potter?** his gothic whit hand** Not everything is necessarily gothic. "Oh, I had some Gothic sports drink with it's gothic bottle and wiped some gothic dust off the table" **with bvlak nail polish on mine.

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." **No, she said nothing of the kind.** I grumbled in a sexy voice. **HAHAHAHA!** He took out a heroin cabaret **A heroin cabaret? A drug night club? He had one of those in his pocket? Are you people using Time Lord technology?** and spiked it, **It's a heroin cabaret, I doubt it needs to be spiked. **and gave it to me to spork. **Spork is not a verb.** He started to fly the car into a tree. **What is it with you people and suicide?** We went to the top of it. **Then you weren't flying into it, were you?** Draco put on some MCR. **Of course he did.**

"And all the things that you never ever told me  
>And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." <strong>Oh look, she copied things. You can tell by the spelling.<strong> sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling of each other's cloves **Those typos are so bizarre and nonsensical that I can't make fun of them.** fevently. He took of my blak thong **Not again.** and my black leather bar. **That you keep chained around your neck.** I took of his black boxers. Then…**What will happen next? It is a mystery.**… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool **Wait, Tara's transexual now? As if this wasn't confusing enough.** sexily. **You keep using that word...**

"OMFG Draco Draco!" **I too frequently use internet abbreviations during sex.** I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. **You just got in position and stopped moving?** Suddenly…**(Drumroll)**… I fell asleep. **We all did that awhile ago.** I started having a dream. **How odd.** In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair. **Racist too, is she?**

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" **Despite already having been shot several times.** they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. **He enjoys overkill.** He ran away in a red car. **Yes, he ran in his car. He stole it from Fred Flintstone.**

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" **She didn't abbreviate it? What happened to her?** I shouted in a scared voice. **"In a (Inappropriate adjective) voice" Is getting really old.**

"Ebony what's wrong?" **You haven't been reading the bits in bold, have you?** Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes. **Why is it that you have semi-normal eyes while everyone else is wearing red contacts?**

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. **I know I say this alot, but, YOU NEED TO SEE A GODDAMN DOCTOR.** I told Draco to call Vampire. **And he had a stupid emo freakout and assumed you were dumpin him for Vampire.** He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. **I'm pretty sure bands don't have cell phone brands.** Butt the worst thing was **The spelling? The plot's a major contender though. It could go either way.** who the ppl who were shot in the dream where…**Where what? SPIT IT OUT LASS!**… Lucian and Serious!111 **You don't even know those people yet. Hell, you can't even spell their names.**

Chapter 26.

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 **But fire fixes everything.**if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11

A few mutates later **We got a guy with an adamantium skeleton. He was a prep, so we told him to fuck off. Next there was a three-eyed fish.** Vampire came 2 da tree. **Why?** He was wearing a blak leather jackson, **A what now?** black leather pants **Of course.**and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. **There are so many things wrong with that.** Draco hugged me sexily **Stop. Saying. That.** tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood **What is it with you and blood?** and then told them what happened. **SOMETHING HAPPENED?**

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 **Uh, what?** started to cry sadly. **I like to cry imperiously, myself.** "What fucking dick did that!"** Wrote this fic? It calls itself Tara Gillespie, but we don't know what it actually is or where it's from.**

"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor." **That's right! Run back to us preps!**

We ran out of the tree **Falling to the ground in the process and sustaining major injuries which we ignored because we don't believe in fixing medical conditions.** and in2 da castle. **Because of course nothing ambushed you in the forest filled with dangerous things on the way. Also, are you just leaving the car up there?** Dumblydor was sitting in his office. **Which, by the way, is password protected.**

"Sire **That's right. Dumbledore is KING Dumbledore now! THEY LAUGHED AT ME! THEY CALLED ME INSANE! BUT I'M LAUGHING NOW!** are dads have been shot!" **Well, not yet, if you were having a vision.** Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. **Yes. We. All of them were wiping tears from his face at once.** "Enoby had a vision in a dreem." **Because that's always such an accurate source of information.**

Dubleodre started to cockle. **No comment.** "Hahahaha! **Bwahaha. MUHAHAHAHAHA!** And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" **It's a representation of what I've put into this story that I understood that sentence.**

I glared at Dumbledore.

"Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped **Woah, wait, who said what?** (c is da toot of crakter **Assuming that was meant to say "See, was that out of character?" Then yes. Nothing phases Dumbledore. **_**Nothing.**_). "U know very well that I'm not decisional. **Yeah, I haven't seen you make a good decision all fic.** Now get some fucking ppl **And the point of using the f-bomb there is what?** out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!" **Porno. Knowing Ebony I'm not surprised.**

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. **Intimated? He said it particularly intimately?**"Were are they?"

I fought about it. **It was one hell of a fight.** Then all of a sudden…**SUSPENSE**.. "Longdon." **Long Don, the absurdly tall head of the Welsh mafia?** I said. I told him which street. **And you found that out, when?** He went and called some people and did some stuff. **But who gives a shit what it was?** After a few mistunes **Why was he tuning a musical instruments at a time like this?** he came back and said people were going out looking for them. **What people?** After a while someone called him again. **Why does he have a phone?** He said that they had been found. **Well, that was surprisingly effective.** Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. **"Becus nw we ws al llivg in da sam rom cus ghey gys r sooooo hwt nd i dint wnt 2 b stck wit da creepy lesbians nd i ws titly in lurv wit dem bot!11" Seriously though, it occurs to me that this chapter has been uncommonly well-spelled (For Tara). Perhaps Raven's had a look at it?** I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office **Why are you going to the nurse, exactly? Finally getting those blood tears checked out?** while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. **As is his tuesday night tradition.** We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed **Derpressed. It's a combination of Derp and Depressed.** eyes. Then, we kissed. **Saw that coming.** Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers…**Seriously, there is nothing you can put here that justifies this elipsis. You lucky FF readers, you don't get to appreciate the full horror of this elipsis**….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 **It's all part of her master plan for world domination!**

Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u **That is a blatant lie. I think what she means is Sparkepyres will never hurt you.**

AN: u no wut!111 **What?** I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 **Then why do you keep yelling at us?** so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 **All will be consumed in flames...** fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help **She clearly hasn't edited the author's notes.** i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update **Wait, why not?** lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists **Of course you did.** I had 2 go 2 da hospital **Someone show the psychiatrists this fic, we can get her locked up.** rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111 **Faiiiiiiil.**

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- **Wait, what?** I had saved them. **Yes, literally everyone in the room. **Drako, Lucian, Serious bond **Bond. Sirius Bond.** Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine. **Presumably, Drace and Vampire's medicine is for the whole blood tears thing.**

"Cum on Enoby." **Well, at least we only had to see the end of the sex scene.** said Proffesor Sinatra. **That's right. Frank. Fucking. Sinatra.** She was wearing a gothic blak leader **Gothic Black Leader, She Who Must Be Obeyed.** dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it **Wait, so now you're vampire **_**hunters?**_ and fuking black platinum boots. **How the hell do you people afford all this platinum?** "I have to tell you the fucking perdition." **There's no way I can make that sentence funnier.**

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, **Oh look, a new character.** Drake **She has a pet mini-dragon now.** and Vampire. They nodded. **At what?**

I smelled happily **So now you're a dog?** and went into a dark room. **Finally going to develop those blackmail photos?** I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. **Completely indistinguishable form each other because all of them were entirely black.** She started to look into a black crucible ball. **They've found a way to combine shapes. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!** She said…**What? WHAT? JUST TELL US ALREADY!**… "Tara, I see drak times are near." **Well, that was anti climactic.** She said badly. **How genre savvy.** She peered into da balls. **Ebony's perversion knows no bounds.** "You see, you must go back in time." **Uh, what? Why?** She took out a Time-Toner **Chronotan.** like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint **Voldemint: Does your breath remind your friends of Avada Kedavra? We have the solution! Voldemint!** was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. **CANON RAPE. DEAR PICARD SO MUCH CANON RAPE.** Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" **You see, there was this person, called Eva Braun...** I shook my head. **You're an idiot.** "U must go back in time and sedouce him. **Well, that's a mission she's up to.** It is the only way. **No. No it isn't. There are many, many much easier, less time-space-continuum-raping ways to stop him.** If he is still evil then you must kill him. **Right. Go back and time and immediately kill him. Got it.** You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it." **It's time travel. Just tell her to use the time machine when she has her gear together.**

"Okay." I said sadly. **You get to go back in time and kill someone. Why the hell are you sad?** We did dethz tuch sin. **What?** I went outside again sadly. **Must you be so depressed?**

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire. **"What the fucking fuck were you fucking doing in there you fucker?"**

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary? **To Boldly Go where No Mary has Gone Before.**

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. **So you didn't tell them because they were there. That makes slightly more sense than the rest of the story, in other words, none.** They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius **Rejoice! She spelled Sirius correctly!** being fond. **Of what?** Everyone was proud of me **Isn't everyone supposed to hate you except your small group of goffic morons? **butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. **Of course you did.** They were cheesing my name **I must figure out how that's done. Chessed names...** and some reporters were there, **That was remarkably fast. **trying to interview **She spelled interview. That's odd.** Dumblydore. A banner was put up. **Because of course an appropriate one was just lying around waiting for the occasion.** Lotz of fucking prepz were there **According to you they're everywhere. **_**Eeeeeverywheeeeere.**_ oviously tring 2 be b goffik **Whywould anyone try to be goffic? It's an insult to the mentally ill to impersonate them.** wering the HIM sign on their handz- **The what?** depite them not having akshelly heard of him. **Wait, if they haven't heard of this alleged HIM, how do they even know what the symbol looks like or that they should have it on their hands?** Even Mr. Noris looked happy. **Over in that parallel world where he exists.** A blak and red cake had been brought out. **Well...who cares, it's cake. Time to eat! **Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx **How many fingers did they lose in the process?** in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises. **WESLEY'S Whizard Wises. It's a shop set up by Wesley from The Princess Bride after escaping Humperdink's castle. Hey, he had to do something afterward.**

I put on my Invisibility coke **I think you mean drank.** with Vampire and Draco** Because 3 seventh years can totally fit under on cloak.** and we sneaked outside 2gether. **Annnnnnd here comes the 3 way.**

Chapter 28.

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story **I'm sorry. Were you under the impression that we obeyed you, or even took your absurd requests into consideration?** it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 **How do yu even think internet communication works? We don't know what you're referring to.** GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 **Sorry, I'd like to stay far away from you, so hell is out of the question.** U SUK! **Classic projection.** fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! **Oooooo, new editor.**raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111

We went in2 a blak room. **I thought you went outside.** The wallz were blak **We gathered that.** **Looks like the new editor's blind.** with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. **Doesn't surprise me, since you can apparently bend hogwarts to your will. **A big black coffin was in the middle. **Again, unsurprising.** Red vevlet lined da blak box. **Rather than pink, like Tara's coffins normally use.** There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. **But the bones you made a point of mentioning were fake, of course.** I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff **Yes. Purple stuff. How bery specific of you.** on it, fishnet suckings **I really don't want to know what those are.** and a blak leather thong underneath. **Thank you for that oh so non nightmare causing image.**

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. **Dispersedly? You were dispersed?** So did Drako and Vampire. **In exactly the same dispersed manner.**

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked** Obviously not. She's been dispersed.** potting his albastard **Is Albastard a plant or an insult?** hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. **You've mentioned that many times.** I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it. **Because you have to one-up everyone else's nail polish, even if it means using things that'll kill you.**

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. **I can't see any reason he wouldn't believe that at all.** Drako also pot his hand **Seriously, this editor, if she exists, is either trolling Tara's spelling even more or is blind. **on mine sexily. **Stop. Saying. That.**I smiled sadly **You just don't get it, do you?** with my blak lipstick. **Shocking. I was expecting pink lipstick from you.** "The problem is…**The goddamn audience knows this already. This elipsis is totally unfounded, regardless of length.**….I have to seduce Volxemort. **Well, in-universe, you're quite the seductress. I think 75-80% of the characters have tried to have sex with you by now.** Ill have 2 go bak in time" **I've said it before I'll say it again: This plan is stupid and needlessly complicated.**

Draco started to cry sadly. **When I'm told someone's crying, I generally assume them to be sad.** Vampire hugged him. **Because TaEbony is only prohomosexuality when it turns her on.**

"Itz okay Eboby." **Yeah, time travel can be fun. Just don't step on anything.** he said finally. "But what about me? **Everyone in this universe is rather selfish.** Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?" **Well, my understanding of her mission was that she had to make Voldemort fall in love with her and keep him in love with her to drive out his evilness. Stupid as the plan may be, I think it'd just make things worse if he found out that she was not only cheating on him, but seducing him solely to manipulate the future.**

"Of coarse not!" I gasped. **Surprised at yourself, eh?**

"Really?" he asked. **Is that your final answer?**

"Sure." I said. **Ok, you wanna destroy the space-time continuum, it's your fault.**

We frenched sexily. **There's something inherently hilarious about that sentence.** Vampire looked at us longingly. **Threeway?**

Then…**Well all know you're going to have sex, just get on with it so we can bleach our brains**… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. **Again, that sentence is just comical for no clear reason.** He was hung lik a stallone. **Well, action stars do tend to get a lot of women.** He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. **He had a Vampire-specific tattoo that said Enoby on it? Why? And why did he replace it?** Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. **You have problems.** Vampire took a vido camera. **And is about to get shot just like the last people who tried that.** (I had sed it wuz ok b4). **You know what, I don't even give a shit anymore.**

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif. **Would you mind not telling us about it?**

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. **Someone nail it shut. We might be able to get rid of them.** He put his spock in my you-know-what **Spock isn't the first character I'd use as a genital euphamism. He isn't even the first star trek character I'd use.** and passively we did it. **Evidently, Ebony no longer gives a shit either.**

"I love you Eboby. **Then why are you so damn passive?** Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." **Wait, I thought you were already doing it.** he screamed as we got an orgasm. **My god. they've melded into a single life form! I've never seen anything like it.** We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. **If you're going to let him have that tape, just let him join in. **Suddenly…**SUSPENSE**….

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!" **DUMBLEDORE! YOU'VE RETURNED!**

It was…**Dumebledore?**….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111 **That's...odd.**

Chapter 29.

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 **You should be jealous of the preps. They get to be happy.** raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help **I wonder if she's actually editing?**MCR ROX 666!111111111111

"Oh my satan!1" **That is not how Satanism works.-** we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily. **I normally attack people courteously.**

"CUM NOW!1!" **Want em to get finished already then?** Preacher McGongel **Preacher? So not only is Snape now christian, McGonagal is a preacher?** yielded. **I think you mean ordered. Those are opposites, so I can see how you got them confused.** We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. **While walking. Snape and McGonagal are impatient.** Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket. **How'd he get it off his hand? Why would you put caramel in your pocket? You obviously know nothing about caramel.**

"Hey what the fuck!111" **I'd be saying that too if someone put caramel in their pocket.** Vampire shooted angrily. **Admittedly, shooting them is going rather far.**

"Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?"** Your profuse swearing has reached the point that I can't even imitate it anymore.** Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley **Great, another name change.** with his gothic red eyes. **If they're contacts, as you've stated, his eyes are not red.** "Look, Dumblehor **That typo has planted images in my mind that will never come out.** noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. **Because teenagers deserve to be hospitalized for having sex, but not for repeatedly attempting to commit suicide, rampant disrespect for authority, having "visions" and warping all around them to their delusions.** So give back da camera!1111"** Wait, who's talking?**

Hahahaha **Narrative laughter is a useful tool.** the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. **If the ministry were acting rationally, they'd either be leaving you alone or actively wiping you out.** Snoop laughed meanly. **Managing to speak without quotation marks.**

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" **Because of course McGonagal isn't loyal to Dumbledore at all. That'd make too much sense.** yelled Proffesor McGoggle. **I still think of McGonagal wearing goggles every time I see that. It's possibly the most amusing part of this.** She made us cum **You people will sleep with anything, won't you?** into a weird room with white stones all around it. **The little known Hogwarts Stonehenge room.** There were all these werid tools in it. **And that is as specific as we shall be.** Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive **Crying sexily. I want to see that, just to see how one would pull it off.** (geddit koz hes a sexbom **Stop. Doing. That. Now. Or. I. Shall. Continue. To. Speak. In. One. Word. Sentences.** lol tom felnot rulez **Tom Felnot, the goateed supervillain mirror-universe version of Tom Felton.** 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard **Because that would defy all laws of nature.** ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111 **Draco is gonna be pissed. Or maybe he'll just succumb and listen to your lies because he's a moron and you're a reality warping Mary Sue. Really though, just go seduce this Gerard, he shouldn't be any harder than the others.**).

I started to cry tearz of blood **Even if you aren't concerned by this, should the teachers have noticed something's up with that by now?** (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz **Because that justifies **_**everything**_**.** raven sed **And you didn't even read it. You're going off hearsay of a rip off of twilight, which by extension is a disgrace to all vampire literature.** so ok so fok u!1 **Great, now I have Cee Lo Green stuck in my head.**). Vampire took out a black honkerchief **Honkerchief: Chief of the honkers, facing the future of noises!** and started to wipe my red eyes.**You know, it isn't necessary to note your artificial eye color at literally every opportunity.**

And then…**You use elipses so much they've lost all meaning**….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. **Rather than just cut out the middle man and magic each other to death.** They started to shoot each other angrily. **I was betting on pleasantly this time. Why must you bring me to financial ruin!** Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. **Ballots do not get on each other. You get on ballots through bribery.** I took out my wand. **Wait, you have a wand?**

"Crosio!" **Crossio? Still more proof that you aren't a proper vampire.** I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram **You'd run too if someone cast Crucio on you.** he dropd da gun. But it was too late. **HE'S DEAD! Maybe it'll turn out he's a Time Lord and regenerate into the real Harry.** Both of them had run out of ballets. **"Curses! I can no longer defeat my foe in a dance off, for I have run out of choreography!"** I STOPPED DA CURSE. **Because that **_**so **_**warrented caps.** Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. **Shouldn't she have done that when they were trying to kill each other?** She took out a box of tools. **"You've made me so damn mad, I have to make a cabinet!"**Den she said "OK Serverus **Did she just spell Severus correctly?** I'm going 2 go now." **Exit stage left.** She left. **Shocking.** Snap started to laugh evilly. **I believe the word you're searching for is cackle.**Vampire started to cry. **Weakling.**

"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right. **Wait, so now we have a forest preservation message?** Remember the cideo u took of Snake." **I want to know what a cideo is. I demand you tell me now.**

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 **That didn't warrant 7 attempted exclamation points.**

Chapter 30.

AN: stop flaming da story **BURN THE WITCH!** ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 **Well, that's true. I couldn't predict your thought patterns if I were from the future and had read all your alleged work.** so FUL U!111 **Why yes, I just ate.** if u flam u wil be a prep **Wait, so the causality is if you flame you become a prep?** so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 **You get enough of that from your characters.** soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. **I think the readers give me some credit for having successfully interpreted her gibberish previously, but that made absolutely no sense.**fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111

"No!11" we screamed sadly. **Then it doesn't need 3 exclamation points, does it?** Snap stated loafing meanly. **Wait, what?** He took out a kamera anvilly. **Did he take it out as though it were an anvil?** Then…**Really, you need to stop doing that**… he came tords Darko!1! **Darko? We have a third Dark Lord to worry about?** He took sum stones out of his poket. **Uh...** He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle. **And here I thought you said he was christian.**

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. **It occurs to me that this character may have a very thick scottish accent and is being written phonetically** Snoop laughed meanly. **Snoopy? I love that adorable sentient dog!** He polled down his pants. **I hate you.** I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! **HAHAHAHAHA! Must...calm...Ah, that's better. Back to sarcasm: So you're saying that you could visually tell that he was a virgin?**

He waved his wand and a nife came. **She isn't going to make him cut it off, is she?** He gave da knife 2 me. **He sucks at kidnapping/rape then.**

"U must stab Vrompire." **Who's Vrompire? And what do you have against him?** he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1" **I can't get the image of Alan Rickman doing the Draco Malfoy rap out of my head now. At least one good thing came out of this story.**

"No you fucking bastrad!1" **Is that some kind of obscure french insult?** I yielded. **You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.**

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes **Here we go again.** dat looked so depressant and sexy. **"Or would, if you could see them through the colored red contacts"** He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) **No, just...no.** between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. **Wait, I've heard of one of them. I know nearly nothing about him, but I've heard of him. WHAT HORRIBLE UNIVERSE HAVE WE ENTERED? **But then I looked at Vampire **Of course you did.** and he looked so smexy **Oh look, evidence for the troll theory.** too wif his goffik black hair. **Harry Goddamn Potter's hair is not goffic. It's fucking badass.** I thought of da time when we screwed **Because that's all you give a shit about.** and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came **Yeah, that gave us the best line in here.** and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide **Which one?** and Vampire wuz so sportive. **He was quite a good quidditch player in canon.**

Snipe laughed angrily. **A SNIPE? WHERE? I've been hunting one for nigh on 50 years!** He started to prey to Volxemort. **And here you specifically mangled canon to make him christian.** He started to do an incapacitation dancing **Do the incapacitation dance!** around the stokes **Wait, we're in a boiler room now?** whipping Draco and Vampire. **You goffs deserve it.** Suddenly an idea I had. **Yoda I would become. Talk weird I would. Off I would throw them.** I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers **VAMPIRE POWER! ACTIVATE!** I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire **Because that'll do so much good.** so they would destruct Snape. **That...sounded weird.**

"Dumbeldork will get u!" **Dumbledore's basement-dwelling, D&D playing cousin.**Draco shooted.

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" **The Mystery: Little known 30s comic book detective vigilante.** Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand. **Aren't you tied up?**

"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" **Translated into human, that's not a bad insult.** Snoop yielded. **Because he had previously maintained that you were by no means ridiculous dunderheads, and finally yielded the truth that you are.** He took off all of Drico's clothes. **Please stop doing that.** Just as he was about to rape him….**SUSPENSE.**

"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. **Her power comes from the bite of the vampire who transformed her.** Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. **You misunderstand the term **_**crippling **_**pain.** Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile **Hogwarts standard.** and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio.** Almighty Picard. SHE SPELLED IT PROPERLY!**

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" **Yeah, you shouldn't have stopped.** shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. **Wait, OF COURSE! All this has been Snape's abusive muggle father impersonating him either via polyjuice potion or family resemblence! It all makes sense now!**

Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." **"The true meaning of pain"** he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. **Because magic chains always just unlock.** Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go." **Are they finally leaving Hogwarts?**

* * *

><p><strong>Yes Weatherby, send those letters to- LORD VOLDEMORT HAS-MY MISTAKE-ARRRGHHHH! TELL DUMBLE- And when you've done that...<br>**


	7. Chapters 31 through 35

**And so it continues. The eternal struggle between myself and Gillespie. Between knowledge and darkness BETWEEN SANITY AND MADNESS! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, that line is getting blurred fast.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 31.<p>

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 **What's a quieph?** stop kalin ebony a mary su **I calls em as I sees em.** ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen **And I wish I could keep it that way.** ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111 **There are 5 possibilities here: 1. Raven hasn't actually forgiven Tara and is intentionally editing this story to make it as amazingly bad as possible, possibly driving the author's note beyond the impossible to make it look like Tara's fault 2. Raven has given up and doesn't even look at the story anymore, just tells Tara it's fine 3. Hasn't edited anything since she originally left, but Tara doesn't want us to know for some reason 4. Never existed, because Tara wanted a scapegoat, which she has used Raven as several times 5. Never actually existed because Tara is a troll, or is a co-troll.**

"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111)." **That's it. She's ruined Joss Whedon for me too. Goodbye Firefly, I think I'll miss you most of all.**Serious said 2 Snape.

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" **That you should never let someone you're blackmailing drag you off to a deserted room?**Snap clamed.

"Oh fucking yeah?" **Seriously, can you people insert fuck into anything? "So fucking yesterday, I fucking got the fuck up, brushed my motherfucking teeth, fucking went to the fucking fridge and fucking got some fucking milk, fucking poured the fuck out of it into a fucking glass and fucking drank it the fuck up, and then I fucking listened to some fucking music on my fucking ipod for fuck's sake and fucking fucked the fucking readers the fuck over. Why the fuck did you fucking want to fucking know you fucking fucker?"** I took some blak Volremortserum **Voldemortserum: Are you tired of potion ingredients that just don't have that extra villainous something? Tired of your foes dying too quickly? Plagued by your nose? Then Voldemortserum is for you!** out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. **Serverus is Severus' technically adept mirror universe twin.** He made Snap dirnk it. **Rather than taking the serum named after the greatest evil your world has ever known himself, though that would've been understandable.** He did arngrily. **But didn't resist?** Then Luscious **This raises odd questions about the author's opinion of Lucius Malfoy.** took out a tape recorder **Looks like Tara isn't taking the time travel too well. I mean really, people should've gone digital by no-Wait, they're in hogwarts. Muggle tech doesn't work. Must. Fight Tara's...Influence!** and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. **Wait, he was **_**playing **_**it? Not recording with it? Is it preppy music intended to make the suffering even more unbearable?** Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. **Wait, wasn't Lucian, Luscious, whatever his name's supposed to be, the one doing the interrogating?** Lucian took Vampure **Oh he's not pure anymore. You took away his Potteriness.** and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. **"It was amazing. To get them all in he had to talk really fast and not stop for breath"** Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. **And here I thought you might've learned something from this experience. Silly me.** Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. **Because you totally don't need any psych recovery time, equipment in case something goes wrong or preparation of any sort or anything.** Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. **Why? Also, shouldn't all posters in Hogwarts be moving?** Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. **Time travelling orgy?** B'loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store. **Ah, planning to scare him straight by showing him that he'll end up selling useless overpriced fashion accessories to fools. A cunning plan.**

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry. **You could just look.**

"U will c." she said. **Well we don't want her to assume it's some kind of weapon only to pull it out in a time of need to discover makeup and get killed. Well, **_**we **_**do, but you don't.** I opened thee bag. **Wait, Tara actually thought of the simplest solution to something? I'm scared.** In it was a sexy tite low-smut **I don't think you understand what the term smut means in the fan fiction community. **black leather gothic dress. **Shocker.** It had red korset stuff **Can you really not come up with a better description than that? **_**Really?**_ and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz **Because you couldn't go anywhere without those. Satan forbid.** and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. **Seriously, pandering to her isn't going to get her to come back at this point. Just admit she hasn't seen this story in about 15 chapters.** Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick. **I find it strange how you can drag things like this out and resolve epic magical duels between immensely powerful wizards in a single line.**

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said. **Too many choices. Can't...decide. Must reboot. REBOOOOOT!**

"Fangs." I said. **Stop saying that.**

"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." **Wait, when did she ever possess someone named Tim? Is Tim the Enchanter making a surprise appearance?** said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." **What, so she's going to be half here half there for a bit in the middle?** She gave me a blak gun. **Because wands are for cowards.** I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. **No comment.** Then she gave me a black time-tuner. **For tuning the Chrono-Tuba.** "After an hour use da time torner **Time Torner. It travels in time some much that it gets the tense of "Tearer" wrong. **to go back here." Proffesor Trevolry said. **You know, I think she might be Proffessor Sinister. Have you ever seen them at the same time?** Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. **This is not how pensieves work. You fail Harry potter forever.**Every1 went in front of it.

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. **You also fail conjugation and using the right word.** Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. **The what now?** Then…**You just stopped and allowed the canon characters to return to normal?**….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive. **You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.**

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. **Travelling through both time and space.** In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. **Because a threeway wasn't enough. You just have to have a time travelling fourway.** He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. **So nothing like it then? And again, stop using goddamn celebrities in your descriptions.** He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung **I really wish I could go back in time, hack Tara's computer, and write this commentary in while she writes the fic, see if I could fix her.** and pale whit skin. **Just like everyone else in the entire story.** He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. **Wait, what?** It was….Tom Bombodil!1111 **No. NO. YOU ARE NOT CORRUPTING TOM BOMBADIL. Ho Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo, By Water, Wood and Hill, By the Reed and Willow, By Fire, Sun and Moon, Harken Now and Hear us, Come Tom Bombadil, For the Need Is Near Us!**

Chapter 32.

AN: I sed stup fflaming **Can't stand the flames, stay outta the volcano.** I no his nam iznt tom bodil **Nor would it be if he were Tom Bombadil.** dat wuz a mistak!1111 **Tom Bombadil showing up would make this story a helluva lot better. Being immune to the ring I'd think him immune to Mary Sues as well.** if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111 **I have a better idea. I'm going to write the next chapter's commentary as Tom Bombadil.**

"Hi." **Hey Dol, Merry dol!** I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student." **Fuck it, this is too hard.** I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him. **You see? What would I have said as Bombadil there? What, I ask you?**

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan. **Because that doesn't single you out as a future dark lord at all.** Datz ma middle nam" **Seriously, did all these people's parents get together and plot how to best torture their children?**

We shok hands. "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." Satan said. **Why exactly does Ebony have to go upstairs? This sounds like a trap to me.** I followed him. **Because you're an idiot.** "Hey Satan…..do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?" **It's the 40s dumbass. Ask him about swing bands.** (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) **Seriously, it's the 40s. Ask him how he thinks the war effort is going or something.**I asked.

"Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" **Wait...HE'S A TIME TRAVELLING CON MAN!** Satan gasped. **A time travelling con man who's done his research on his target. Captain Jack Harkness perhaps? **"actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s) **You disrespect time travel. Time Lord forces will be on the premesis shortly to confiscate your TARDIS.**

"omg me too!" I replied happily. **Because at least you and the guy you're seducing have something in common. This bond won't cause any animosity between you and Draco at all.**

"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." **Ok, this is getting out of control.**satan whispered.

"hogsment?" I asked. **Dear Rassilon...Is she lampshading herself?**

"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." **Yep. Time Travelling Con Man. An incompetent one. Although, having done his research on his target, he may be well aware that she won't notice.** he told me all sekrtivly. **Well I certainly wouldn't want anyone to know if I were a time travelling con man.** "and theres a really cool shop called Hot-" **How far is this poor man willing to go for the con?**

'topic!" I finshed, happy again. **Again? It had time to wear off?**

He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." He smiled skrtvli **A Russian time travelling con man, evidently.** again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned. **He's aware of her use of inappropriate adjectives. Magnificent Bastard.**

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me. **So you realized he's a time travelling con man too? That's a lot more than I expected from you.** "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted. **Yes. Shouted. Apparently Satan is deaf, and Ebony must make an immense effort to be heard.**

"uh-huh." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin'" **Again, this man has done his research.**

"OMfG SHME TOO!" I SHRIEDKED. **The multitude of comic choices...Paralyzing...SO PARALYZING!**

"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik) he asked. **Even the puns. The title con artist truly applies.**

"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili. **Fooling the time travelling con man by making him think you're a dog. Brilliant.**

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. **That's right. Shredding. He flew in with a paper shredder and forced large amounts of paper into it directly over there heads.** "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" **That seems rather harsh.** he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt **Perhaps he isn't Dumbldore at all, but Satan Bombadil Anderson/ Captain Jack** from Amrikan ogle outfters. **American oggle. Because all preps are perverts.** "STUPID GOFFS!" **Does this no talking rule apply only to goffs?**

satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps." **A fairly accurate summary of this fic, from Tara's perspective.**

I turned around angrily. **Isn't that basically your opinion?** "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord." **Did you just defend Dumbledore?**

"wtf?" he asked angrily. **Yeah, that was really weird for Ebony.**

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly. **You. Sweetly. Riiiight. Even the OC is OOC.**

then suddenlyn…**SUSPENSE**…. the floor opened. **How did you get past the 3 headed dog?** "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly." **Well of course they looked at you weirdly if you said all that. People don't normally narrate their owns lives. Well, out loud, anyway.**

"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell. **Because the floor opening didn't throw him at all.**

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive **When was there ever a hole in the pensieve? What?** in professor trevolry's classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. **Oh, how convenient.** "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said. **You think? You **_**think?**_

"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik. **Why would you want to be goffic? I assumed it was some kind of brain disease.**

sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?" **Nobody knows. It's a mystery that's been pondered from the dawn of time.**

:"um." I looked at her.

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that." **About what? ABOUT WHAT?**

"wth how?" **Wait. Did Tara just pass up an opportunity to say fuck?** I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. **Because you're normally so respectful to teachers.** but shes a goff so its ok. **Because she's so stupid and scatterbrained that she'll forget what just happened?**

professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." **Why? I thought, from Snap being forced to drink it and all, that Voldemortserum was somewhat undesirable.** she started to cry black tears of depression. **Well, at least they aren't blood. Still, black tears, that can't be good.** dumblydum didn't know about them. **You mean he didn't notice she was crying?**

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, **Curiously? He's had plenty of opportunities to study them in you.**tuching a tear.

"fuck off!" we both said **It's a perfectly natural assumption with you people.**and dumblydum took his hand away.

professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. **Balck to limpid, A.K.A. clear. Even goffic tears have constant mood swings.** "omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum." **Well then you obviously aren't if you realized it with absolutely no prompting from anyone whatsoever.**

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112 **How, in the name of all things Holy, Unholy, Normal, Found under the bed or Bought at wal-mart did she think that helped her case?**

Chapter 33.

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok **Oh this is all very much your fault.** if u don't lik da story den ur a prep **I believe the term "Insane Troll Logic" applies here.** so fuk u flamerz!1111 **To quote the Human Torch: FLAME ON!** ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 **Because the last 6 times you said that were just attention ploys. But not this one. Totally not this one.** U SUK!1111 **Classic projection.** fangz raven 4 di help** Clearly not having much of an impact.** il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1 **Wait, why are you punishing her? I thought she was helping.**

"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. **There are some things I just can't make funnier. And I hate myself for it.** "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, **St. Manga. Patron Saint of Japenese Culture.** bitch?" **Even in this delicate moment you have no tact nor subtlety.**

"Hel no!" she said. **Good for you. Western Comics Forever!** "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. **Who the hell is Lizzen Egogy?** Nex tim u go bak in tim, **So the next step is for Tim to go back inside himself? MY brain hurts.** do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?" **Is something wrong with the Matrix Code?**

"Sure I said sadly. **Why do you hate Neo?** I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 **Amazing!** He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. **They had canals and everything. I'd also like to point out that all of that paragraph, narration included was a single line. Note her failure to close quotation marks.**

"Hey Sexxy." I said.

"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice **As opposed to Darth Vader's voice.** was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking. **You fail description and originality forever. **

"Fine." I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously. **Wait, how does he know his nickname is Satan?**

"Not 2 far, lol." **That seems like a really inappropriate use of lol.** I borked. **I am unfamiliar with the verb Bork.**

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily. **I think that was the plan, yes.**

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. **It seems you don't understand your assignment.** Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. **At who? You shoot a lot of people.** I said sorry. We frenched. **Again.**

"What happened 2 Snipe?" **I'll catch it sooner or later...**I growled.

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. **Wrong. Wrong on so many levels.** He opened a door…**Whatever happens next?**…Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 **No!** Serious waz pokering dem **Sirius' poker face is legendary in the Leaky Cauldron. **by staging dem wif a blak nife. **He was stage-stabbing them? Why did he have a retractable knife on him?**

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged **Right, bagged the Lumpkin, whatever that is.** as Serious started 2 suk his blood. **Because at this point explaining that he's a vampire is totally unecessary.** I laffed statistically. **One laughs statistically by carefully weighing all the possibilities while laughing.** I tok some photons of him **Fire photon torpedoes at Tara.** and Snap bing torqued. **That's right. Tara just plugged Bing! Years before it was launched.** (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz **By...some definitions.** nd Snap trid 2 rap dem **Rape: It justifies torture.** and neway sadiztz rok **I think I can find one to come to your house if you like.** haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz). **This just in: Sharks are sadists.** We took sum of Snipe's blod **Well, that partially explains your blood stores, but really, how many opportunities like this do you get?** den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. **Now there is a sentence you don't hear every day.** My cloves were kinda drity **I don't even want to know...** so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. **She's even abandoned describing her clothes.** (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. **Platform high heels? That makes no sense.** Darko put on 'desolition liverz' **Desolation livers? So, our livers finally decided to get revenge after we drunk them into oblivion.** by MCR. Den…**The readers finally decided that this atrocity wasn't worth the lulz?**….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. **The clozezez stole it precious!** I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. **Why in Picard's name do you find that comical?** We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. **And numerous other movies.** He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. **I think you got that backward. Then again, there is the old rule of the internet: Men are Men, Women are Men and Children are the FBI.**I gut an orgy.

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" **What brilliant dialouge.** I screemed passively as he got an eructation. **Error. Bad writing overload. ERROR!**

"I luv u TaEbory." **Not only does she no longer care whether anyone knows she's a self insert or not, she can no longer competently edit even something as basic as confusing her own name for that of her self insert.** he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol. **I hate you.**

Chapter 34.

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 **I'd think you'd have realized by now that we're not going to go away, no matter how horrible you make the story.** hav u even red de story!11 **Unfortunately, yes.** u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 **No Tara. Fuck you.** fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 **Stop running Raven's reputation into the ground by pretending she edited this.**

I wook up in da coffin de next day. **The sheer raw humor potential. It's paralyzing me.** Draco waz gone. **How mysterious.** I got up and put on a blak tight sexah **I believe I told you never to use that word again.** drsss that was all ripped at da end. **Of course it was.** There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. **Is it just me or is anyone else getting deja vu?** There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. **I really don't think that warrented a reference.** I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. **Bo-ots, contrary to public belief, are not boots, but a strange variety of robot.** Suddenly…**We snuck away during your absurdly long pause?**…. Sorious cocked on da door. **So many directions. Argh, so many.** I hopened it. **Hopen: To open hopefully.**

"Hi Ibony." he said. **Ibony. Similar to Ivory. Wait. Ebony is fighting poachers! Posers is simply a misspelling of poachers! It all makes sense now!** "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor's office." **Why?**

"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice. **Way to be totally unquestioning, establishment hating moron.** I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. **What a varied sphere of activities.** I came anyway. **Of course you did.**

"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily. **Flirtily? This opens up so much disturbing subtext.**

"I fucking tortured them." **Do none of Enoby's little band have any morals whatsoever?** he answered in a statistic way. **"I torture a lot of people. They're just statistics to me."** "They r in Abkhazian **Abkhazian is a small country owned entirely by hogwarts where it sends any staff who take flak following the (evil) Dumblydore's orders.** now, lol." **Shouldn't you be as well since you tortured people, presumably illegally?**

I laughed evilly. **MUHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, learn the word cackle.**

"Where r Draco and Vampira?" **Vampira? SHE GENDER FLIPPED HARRY TOO? Just when I thought I'd seen the worst.** I muttered. **One does not normally mutter questions.**

"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." **Why?** Sodomize **Even this doesn't surprise me anymore.** moaned sexily. **That is, quite possibly, the most disturbing sentence in this chapter.** "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas." **What is it with you and that movie? And horibly misspelling the name of that movie?**

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. **Sitting in a victorian-style swivel-chair with it's back to the door, spinning around after we walked in as lightning struck.** She was wearing a goffik blak dress **Shocking.** that was all ripped all over it **(Facepalm)** kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic **Have you truly stooped below what were once even your lows?**

( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum. **Are you tired of not being taken seriously by the dark wizarding community? Has the muggle-born crisis got you down? Do you hate your nose? Well now there's a solution: Voldemortserum! With every sip, you're slowly turned into an unthinking, unquestioning pawn of the dark lord...Who looks exactly like him! Voldemortserum: For when regular evil just isn't enough.**

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner. **The Time Torner has Torn Time.**

"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." **What are you expecting her to do, steal it from the Greek gods?**she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!"

And then…**Plot failed to happen?**….I jumped into the Prinsive again. **I'm not sure what a Prinsive is, but I know it has nothing to do with any of this.** Suddenly I looked around…**SUSPENSE**…I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. **Count Chorcula. It's Count Chocula but with pork in it.** It was mourning. **I'm not sure if she meant that as a horrible pun or not.** I was sitting next to Satan. **Only Tara can say things like that totally offhand.** On a table was a tall gottik **She misspelled her own thing so many ways at once.** man wif long blak hair, **Shocker.** pail skin **Skin made out of pails, gotcha.** and blue eyes wering a suit **His blue eyes were wearing a suit?** and blak Cronvrese shoes. **Cronvrese. A little known Eastern-European company known for producing impressively goffic footwear due to their workers slaving away in a depressing, dark frozen wasteland for their entire lives.** He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed…**Of course you did, otherwise you couldn't have described these things to us.**…he was drinking a portent. **A what now?**

"Whose he!11" **(Facepalm.)**I asked.

"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." **HAHAHAHAHA!** Satan said. "He's da Portents **What are these mysterious Portents?** teacher…**"i lik sexili wayted fr him to finesh his pausy thinge, which onli had az fwe dotseses nxt 2 mein**…..Ebony?"

"Yah?" I asked.

"Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? **What an amazing coincidence.** And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat." **The Exercise: One of the most horrifying films ever put to, well, film, is 90 minutes of Richard Simmons forcing you to inflict torture upon yourself. It was banned in 2002.**

"Yah?"

"Well…**He patiently waited for her to realize his intention. Fortunately, he realized she was dumb as a rock and only wasted 6 dots.**...want 2 go 2 da contort **The horrors of Richard Simmons still haunt us to this day.** and da movie wif me?" **Epic cliffhanger.**

Chapter 35. gost of u **It is my understanding that I am still alive. Is there some time travel involved? Or am I a ghost and simply fail to realize it? Cool!**

AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 **(Deathglares at "Suzi")** u rok! **I doubt this immensely.** fuk of prepz!11111111 **Fuck OF prepz? So she wants us to fuck some preps? Moood swiiings.** fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 **But, as you're miserably failing to hide, she rocks somewhere else now.** ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun **And there was much rejoicing.** so FUK U!111 **This is your idea of a punishment?** oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me **Ah yes, we noted your lack of any naming creativity since everyone was either something like "Vampire" "Dracula" or simply named "Tom" (Satan Bombadil Anderson Rid Riddle). ** koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 **There are lots of things you need "For serious"**fangz.

I went in2 da Conmen Room **Holy crap. I WAS RIGHT!** finking of Satan. **The Time-Traveling Con Man.** Suddenly I gasped…**You gasp at a lot of things. I think this will be as anticlimactic as all the others**…..Draco wuz there!111 **What? How! Do you not understand how Time Travel works?**

I grasped. **For what?** He locked as hut as eva **He looked like a building?** werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner. **Of course.**

"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped. **I'm not yet sure what gosping is, but rest assured, I will find out.**

"Huh?" he asked. **Is this some kind of Time Traveling amnesia?** Then I remembred. **What, was he sent back as your agency liaison?** It wuzn't Draco. **Uh, what now?** It was Lucan!1 **Who?** He stil had two arms. **When was he stated to have only the one?**

"Oh hi Lucian!1" **"Oh, hi there guy I mistook for my characterless boyfriend"** I sed. "Im Ebony the new student **The **_**only **_**new student. **_**In the entire school.**_ lol we shook handz." **Uh, when did that happen?**

"Yah Satan told me abot you." Lusian said. **Wait, I thought you shook hands. That implies that you'd met.** He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. **One of the many about campus.** They where siting in a corner kutting. **What in the hell is kutting? EDIT: Of course, absurdly simple. Too simple for a learned old loremaster like me.** It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad and…**Loopin? "The Fat Guy Who Killed Cerdric?"**…Snap! **Woah woah wait, **_**WHAT?**_ All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. **It both puts me in pain and amuses me to imagine that scene.** "Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." **Lizzen? Perhaps some odd combination of Lizzie and Borden? Perhaps she'll burst in any moment and slice all their heads clean off, thus giving a satisfying end to the story?** he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up. **Because of course you're semi-professional.**

"ORLY." I ESKED. **Wait, esked? That spelling implies a british accent. Something's wrong here.**

"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. **How stunningly creative.** I play teh gutter. **Do you have to get thrown out of a bar first?** Spartacus plays da drums" **Wait, SPARTACUS? Who the hell is Spartacus? How does that even fit the theme! What, I don't even-** he said ponting to him. **But...I am Spartacus!** "Snap plays the boss. **So this is some kind of theatrical production now?** And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring." **Even having made it this far, that sentence made absolutely no sense to me.**

"Hey bastards." I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. **It's like she's trying to confuse me.** Suddenly I gasped again. **No!** "But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. **You just won't miss an opportunity to mooch will you?**Lucian looked dawn sadly.

"We uzd to but she did. **She did what? WHAT MAN?** She contempted suicide by silting her rists." **Way to bring up a painful topic Miss Sensitive. Although in total fairness that's not a very effective means of suicide around here.**

"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" **You do it all the time and you don't seem much the worse for wear. Well, physically.**I gasped.

"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." **Lead snigger? I that some kind of special bullet?**Samaro said.

"Wel…..I said Im in a bnad myself." **When did you say that?**

"Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. **This story? Yeah, it's pretty fucked up.** He used 2 b goffik!111 **You drove him off. You give it a bad name.**

"Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. **A name that in this time, is so controversial that you won't escape the police for long. [/sarcasm]** Do u wanna hr me sing?" **Dear Picard no.**

Yeah said everyone. **Except the readers.** So the guys tok out der guitarz. **Just assuming that you know all the same songs already.** They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) **FAIL.** Gurn Day. **By what now? Burn Day? The day everyone got burned? Are they named after some sort of CIA purge?**

"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." **She didn't even bother to cut and paste lyrics.** I sang sexily **You fail at sexily.** (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. **I doubt you own anything, seeing as you're obviously in an asylum** Every1 gasped. **EVERYONE.**

"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" **Please oh please all-powerful-wonderous-all-knowing-magical-beautiful-vampire-ninja-witch-pirate-zombie-mary-sue?** begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap. **In unison.**

"Um….ok." I shrugged. **And here I thought you were auditioning.** "Are we gong to play tonight?" **I think they already mentioned that bit.**

"Yah." they said. **Like I thought.**

"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. **Yeah, people should've called you out on futuristic dress a few times by now. Also on the fact that you appear to carry a waredrobe around with you.** I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. **This is why you don't test inventions on yourself. You can't fix it yourself. Or, in this case, the people administering the experiment really don't give a shit.** Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 **Whaaaaaaaat?** He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans. **I don't seem to recall Marty wearing black, even in his home time of 1985. It was mostly life preservers and red shirts with denim jackets.**

"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked. **Yeah, what the bloody hell **_**are**_** you doing here?**

"I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." **Don't help her! She's killing fiction and time travel at the same time!** he said siriusly **Only Sirius can say things Siriusly. And yet, oddly, she can't spell Sirius.** Den…**What?**….he took out a blak tim machine. **Why does Marty McFly have a pocket sized time machine. The only known time machines in his canon are a car, which has been destroyed, and **_**a friggin train.**_ I went in2 it **You went inside the pocket sized device. Are you sure this was Marty McFly and not some kind of malevolent Time Lord, possibly The Master?** and…**You traveled through time?**…..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111 **No! Shocking.**

* * *

><p><strong>The Drumming. Can you not hear it? (Tap tap tap tap, tap tap tap tap) The never ending drumming. (Tap tap tap tap, tap tap tap tap) Calling me to war... (tap tap tap tap, tap tap tap tap, tap tap tap tap, tap tap tap tap...)<br>**


	8. Chapters 36 through 40

Chapter 36.

AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 **Of course! FIRE!** I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 **You don't seem to understand how the internet works.** ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 **Wait...What?** o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111 **So, Tara doesn't think she can hide it anymore, so she's giving Raven an excuse not to edit. Clever.**

I loked around in a depresed way. **(Desperately attempts to restrain laughter)** Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. **(Insert generic supervillain joke)** B'lody Mary, Socrates **Wait, since when does this fic have a character named Socrates?** and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to. **But nobody gives a shit about them.**

"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 **What an excessively long and redunant sentence.** I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111" **I can't believe you fail spelling that badly.**

"Yah I no." Serious said sadly.

"Oh hey there bitch." **Incoming prep.** Profesor Trevolry said **Or not.** in an emo voice **So she admits that she's an emo pretending to be goff? Or creating Gofficism, since it bears little resemblence to much else?** dirnking some Volxemortserom. **And here I thought you were supposed to fix that by some bizarre and irrational method.**

Hi fuker." I said. "Lizzen, **There's Lizzie Borden again. When is she actually going to show up?** Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. **I thought the entire purpose of this mission was centered around sexy outfits. Aren't you supposed to be seducing him?** Also I'm playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too." **"Please, don't ask"**

"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik) **Sigh.** gasped B'lody Mary. "Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?" **NO.**

"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry. **Fail. Just...fail.**

"I can't fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first." said Willow. **Like some more of whatever's keeping Ebony and Draco alive?**

"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore **And you're planning to get those where?** nd also…**It amuses me to picture these characters actually pausing for no apparent reason in the middle of their sentences for long periods of time.**….sum luv potion 4 Enoby." **Shouldn't you have given her that earlier, since it was kinda the plan from the start? On a more serious note: Voldemort and love potion don't really mix. Remember the symbolism behind it being the reason for his parents getting together. Then again, I'm trying to talk to Tara about symbolism. I'm wasting my time.** Darko said resultantly. **As a result of what?**

"Well we have potions klass now." **How convenient!** Willow said so let's go.

We went sexily to Potionz class. **lololol.** But Snap wasn't there. **Instead...Volxemort was?** Instead there was…**Oooo, haven't seen an elipsis this long in some time**…Cornelio Fuck!11111 **A few problems there...**

"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily. **I don't know. Does it really matter? Dumbledore isn't the potions teacher. You have no reason to assume anything happened to him.**

"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck.**Thank you. That had to be said.** "He is in Azkhabian now **First of all, why? Second of all, good luck taking Dumbledore to Azkaban.** wif Snip and Loopin **Ah, so he's infiltrating the prison for some reason.** he is old and week he has kancer. **So we decided he should spend the last few months of his life in a hellish prison for the heinous crime of being old and having cancer. It makes perfect sense.** "Now do ur work!111" **How amazingly specific.**

My friendz and I talked arngrily. **Yes. Because Fudge will totally let you do that.**

"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" Vampire asked surprisedly. **We already discussed this. Why is he surprised? Also, since when is "Surprisedly" a word? Although honestly, it's one of Tara's more reasonable concoctions.**

"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. **THAT'S WHY IT'S IN CAPS.** "IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111"** Bridge? What's the S.P.D. green ranger doing here?**

He stomped out angrily. **Oh no. So threatening. Also, doesn't he have more authority than Umbridge?**

Mi frendz and I began talking again. **How clever of you.** I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. **How the hell did you smuggle that through the castle? **Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard. **Hagrid would never fit in a cupboard.**

"WTF is he doing?" I asked. **Good question.** Then I looked at Draco. **Shocker.** He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner **The twists just keep coming.** nd he locked shexier den eva. **Who's Eva?** Suddenly…**SUSPENSE**…"HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted. **How subtle.**

I looked around…**This here is a nailbiter.**….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 **Wait, isn't he in the cupboard? And couldn't you hae easily stopped him from putting anything in you beer-blood if he had to come all the way from the cupboard? Also, isn't he on your side? **Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily. **HAHAHAHAHA!**

"God u r such a posr!1" **Don't you mean Satan?** I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. **You probably should've done that awhile ago.** It was…**SUSPENSE**…Amnesia Portion!111 **A portion of amnesia? Seriously though, how can you tell what it is on sight? I doubt you're that proficient in potions.**

Chapter 37.

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION **Tara only works 2 weeks a year.** ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. **ALRIGHT. WHY ARE WE YELLING?** fangz!1 **For what?** oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 **Do you honestly think that that'll work the 35th time?** raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11

DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL **This should be good for a laugh.**

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor. **Where did you get chains? What are they attached to on the floor?**

"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. **Huh. Tara didn't totally fail the perspective switch yet.** She wuz so hot. **Fight the Mary Sue Draco. Fight it.** "Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1" **That...Makes absolutely no sense. Besides, it's in a bottle of blood now. Voldemort is not currently nor has he ever been a vampire.**

"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata," **Self insert concealment fail. **Vampire. **Stake.**"Why would u need it?" **To kill the vampire with dumbass.**

"To make everyfing go faster lol." said Enoby. **That still makes no sense.**

"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly. **Uh, that was kinda the plan from the beginning. Besides, you don't seem upset that she's done Vampire. Or any of the dozens of other people she's probably done, knowing her.**

"OMFG u guyz r so scary!11" **I know. Come, free yourself of this madness and join The Lord High Commentators.** said Britney, a fucking prep. **That's not an insult. That's her name. Britney Afuckingprep.**

"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow. **We don't take orders from the undead around here.**

"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room." **Why? Potions class is by no means over.**

Draco, Ebory and I **Wait...Who's talking?** went to Profesor Siniater's room. But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. **Ah, busy battling Doctor Strange I suppose.** Instead Tom Rid was. **How did Voldemort get in the castle? Cornelius Fudge can't have demolished the entire ancient defensive system that quickly.**

Oh hi fuckers he said. **Cool people don't use quotation marks.** Lizzen, **There's Lizzy Borden again. When's she going to kill everyone?** I got u sum kewl new clovez. **Garlic cloves? He's a vampire slayer! It ends at last! Wait, TaEbory is a twilight vampire. Traditional methods won't work. He's walking into a trap.**

I took out da cloves from da bag. **Nope, didn't work.** It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt **Surprise surprise.** that said '666' on da bak, **This is so different from what has previously been described.** black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.

"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. **Again, not everything has to be gothic.** I took da clothes in da bag.

"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco. **I would think that you'd be familiar enough with the time travel ceremony to perform it yourself by now.** Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall. **Sign? What sign? Since when is there a sign?**

"Oh my fuking satan!1" **Draco, "Vampire," It's generally a bad sign when your alleged girlfriend begins taking another guy as a god. I say this only because you guys are rather oblivious, and because if you fight the Mary Sue enough you might return to your canon selves.** I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. **That seems normalish.** She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. **Goffttikcismness is illegal now?** Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak **Well, that was fast.** but he shall not be principal 4 now. **Haha, the ministry doesn't understand how Dumbledore works.** Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.

"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. **I was betting on arcanely. Damn.** "How could they do that!11" **Yeah, they don't really have that kind of legal authority.**

Suddenly Dumblydore came. **Surprise!**

"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" **Why the hell doesn't he get to keep his old office? It's probably sealed itself against Umbridge by now anyway.** he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 **Which you conveniently forgot to bring with you.** I jumped seductivly in2 it **I do not think that word means what you think it means.** leaving Draco and Vampire. **How heartless of you. **Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 **Just from jumping into a time machine? No!** I looked around. It was…**The inside of the time machine which, knowing Tara, will not be described in any further detail?**…Profesor Slutborn's efface! **There are a few issues there.** I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. **What's it doing there? This is somewhere between 25 and 65 years ago.** It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. **Why?** It was the shape of a cross. **Better not touch it then "Vampire."** I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz…**A pointless attempted cliffhanger?**…..Profesor Slutgorn!11 **What's he doing in his office?**

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING **What a comeback.** I SHOUTED ANGRILY. **I TOO ENJOY randomly capitolizing SECTIONS OF TEXT FOR NO apparent reason.**

"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." **What a brilliant excuse.** you said **Wait, now she's trying to twist me into her horrible mockery of humanity? NO! I WON'T FOLLOW HER!** finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket. **MUST. RESIST. URGE TO. JOIN. GOFFS.**

"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn. **Well that was surprisingly easy.**

You went to the conmen room **So Tom Satan Bombadil Anderson Riddle Rid will be there?** after putting on my clothes. **I will never put on your clothes. VIVE LA RESISTANCE!** Silas, **Who?** Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U **Yes they will!** by MCR. **Which hasn't been written yet.**

"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. **Wrong targets.** "Wheres Satan?" **Well at least she's trying.**

"Oh he's cumming." **ARRRRRRGH.** said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." **REVEEEEEEEEENGE!** Suddenly Satan came. **He'll be in shortly.** He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, **A what now?** blak congres shoes, **Are those made by or for Congress?** a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie. **Ties and t-shirts don't mix.**

"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan.

Chapter 38.

AN: wut doez every1 fink **Read the friggin flames/reviews everyone sent you. You know, the ones that keep informing you that your work is a piece of shit?** if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? **That is not how endings work.** oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming **But I'm a level 700 Pyromancer. We don't do many things that don't involve fire.** if u dnot lik dat story **Which story?** den take muh quiz **I demand that someone find and resurrect this quiz. I DEMAND IT.** ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111 **Well at least she's pretending to be trying to be fair.**

Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. **I never would've expected that.** On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco's car. **You see the parallels?** I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. **Stan? STAN LEE? NOT HIM TOO!** We talked about Satanism **Always a good convesation topic. Nice icebreaker.** (lolz he wuz named after Satan), **Really? I hadn't noticed.** kuttting, musik and being goffik.

"Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11" **Putting on your old moves, eh?** Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. **And the lesson is: Don't do drugs or you'll wind up just like TaEbory.** (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem **We already knew your opinions on them. What we don't know is what prompted you to reiterate them.** lol goez fux a bi guy) **I don't take orders from the likes of you, scum!**

"Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena." **So all we have to do to fix this is go back in time and prevent that song from being written? Lieutenant, get my TARDIS.** I said in a flirty voice. **Because that sentence was soooo flirty.** "…**She's really taking the elipsis thing to new levels**….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?" **Wait, that hasn't been invented yet. He hasn't taken up the name of Volxsrcjemort.**

"Well…**SUSPENSE**…" he thought. "I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod." **That makes no sense. Unless the cure is to become a vampire. In which case it makes almost no sense.**

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. **Seriously, do things just automatically revert to the color black when you get near them?** Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether **What's a movie tether?** were they were showing da Excercist. **And here I could've sworn there were christian themes in that.** In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer **Him! He murdered Captain Crunch! REVEEEEEEENGE!** came lol. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we're sadists. **No comment.**

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. **How long we've waited for this day.** I took Satan's gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar **Wait, what? WHAT? WHAT IN THE DEEPEST BOWELS OF THE KLINGON SLAVE SHIP ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?** sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. **I don't think that's gonna work too well. Wouldn't rigging it to explode have worked better? I mean sure, it didn't work on Castro, but have you ever tried to kill Castro? If the man were a trading card he'd have Protection from Assassination.** I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. **Who the hell is Emile the Strange?** Satan turned arund **So he was now facing the back of his seat.** and started 2 smoke it. **In the theatre. Cause that isn't rude at all.** Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em **Was this cigar crafted by this universe's version of Gandalf the Grey?** started 2 fly around everywhere.

"OMG!111" Satan said jumping up. **So it WAS poison, not an amnesia potion!** I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. **Gee, ya think?** "Enoby gess what?" **Nope, not amnesia, he still knows who you are.**

I new that the amnesia had worked. **You're an idiot.**

"Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work." **Ok, first of all, if I were to go into the future, buy a laser rifle, go back to 1776 and shoot George Washington in the face, do you know what would happen? His face would get hit by a frickin laser and it would melt and he would die, thus preventing America from securing independence and altering the timeline to the extent that it may have prevented this fic from being written, and as such it is on my list of priorities for when time travel is invented. Second, SHE PICKED UP THE GODDAMN POTION IN THIS TIME PERIOD. Third, How the hell does he know what it was or that it was there at all if it hasn't been invented. Time Travelling Con Man is the only possible explanation.** He said. "2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u." **Ah, so he knows Ebony is time travelling assassin.**

"Kul." I raised my eye suggestingly. **I think you mean eyebrow.** And den…**SUSPENSE**…. he tok of my cloves **So Ebony actually **_**is **_**a literal pig?** sexily **Inconcievable!** and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. **Were his clothes so covered in said shit that his clothes and the shit were indistinguishable?** He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 **And many other people who would be better examples. Or you could've, ya know, just left it at his having a six pack.** We frenched.

"Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" **If you were planning to seduce him in the movie theatre you should've sat in the back.** shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. **No, I think you're legitimately distracting the rest of the theatre, although she doesn't really have the authority to kick you out. She can get an usher though. And if she's a prep, why is she here watching this allegedly goffic movie? Or did you go to a preppy movie? Also, when did public sex become inherently goffic?**

"Fuk u!11" I said. Suddenly…**The people in the movie revealed themselves to actually be Volxsjcemort and the Death Dealers and leapt off the screen to attack you?**…. I attaked her suking all her blood. **That seems like a bit of an overreaction.**

"Noooooo!11" she screamed. **You'd scream too.** All the preps in da theater screamed **And yet not one of them seems to be doing anything about it. Were there no Catohlics in the theatre who happened to have a cross on them?** but everyone else crapped **Ah, Tara's showing her knowledge of Japanese by switching R and L. Clever.** koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. **And so, we can applaud you attacking minor annoyances because you're cute. Important lesson children.** Satan and I started to walk outside. **Aaaaaand cue angry mob. But you disposed of the prep, why not stay and watch the rest of the movie?**

"Zomg how did u do that?" **There are any number of ways she could've done that in the magical world.** Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice. **So he has a thing for death. Yeah, I don't think seducing him is gonna end well. You'd better just rig the next cigar to explode.**

"I'm a vampire." **No you aren't.** I said as we went into the car.

"Siriusly?" he gasped. **Stop sealing Sirius' line! Real Sirius will get here eventually.**

"Yah siriusly." **What did I just say?** I said drinking sum beer. **Where did you get this beer?** Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily. **Still trying to throw him off the track by making him think you're a dog. You're dedicated, I'll give you that.**

"Itz too bad we didn't get 2 c da rest of the movie, **You wouldn't have been able to follow the plot anyway. Well, Ebony wouldn't have, but you're probably smarter than you're letting on, as a time travelling con man, so you might've. **don't u fink?" **I do. You people don't.**

"Yah." I said as we kised passively. **There's that word again.** Satan parked in a blak driveway **That's not particularly abnormal.** next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC **WILL watch. Neither of you has been born yet.** for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol. **No comment. Just...no comment.**

"Anti-ppl **The Anti-Twilight movement did not yet exist in this time period. Get it right.** now uve gone 2 far **The Anti movement will never go too far. Twilight must be purged.** Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" **I would think Tara would object to that on a number of levels being a Satanist and presumably thinking all musical theatre preppy.** screamed Marlin **MERLIN! WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?** on da stage. **Because preps perform from inside the audience.** We did the devil fingers. **The what now?** I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 **He also grows up to be pure evil and forces you to either kill a friend who you clearly want to have a relationship with or allow your boyfriend to be killed. For no apparent reason. So we can't really speak for his intelligence. Also he decides to speak in some kind of faux-Shakespearean manner and kills people for fun. That is, assuming he isn't a Time Travelling Con Man. Which he totally is. Although admittedly, Captain Jack Harkness, greatest time travelling con man ever to live, could usually seduce you regardless of your gender or sexuality. Or species for that matter, which probably applies to Ebony.** He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes **(Aggravated Sigh)** and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. **For The Almighty Picard's Sake, stop **_**doing**_** that!** I almost got an orgaism!1 **Single cell?** Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing. **In the middle of the song. For no reason.**

"I wood like to peasant **Bloody peasant!**…**Drumroll please!**…..XBlakXTearX!11" he said. I ran onstage. **Wait a minute, if they just got here, how exactly were they planning to get here on time after the movie if they hadn't been thrown out?** Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. **So in this fic so far we've had Diabolo, Hades and Satan. Now we just need Morgoth, Pluto, Loki, The Doctor (In Dalek mythology, or their closest equivalent he's referred to as The Bringer of Darkness and The Oncoming Storm) and Tash. However, I doubt Tara gets any of those references, as she likely knows Hades only from Disney's version of Hercules and Diablo (Incorrectly) through cultural osmosis. As Morgoth is unknown even to some LotR fans who haven't delved into the universe too deeply, even with her evident passing knowledge of Tom Bombadil Tara wouldn't know him. She probably has no idea that the (No longer a) planet Pluto is named after something, she's clearly not british and didn't go out of her way to do british things so The Doctor will be a total mystery to her, I seriously doubt that she even has the confused and incomplete knowledge of Norse mythology necessary to think Loki is the equivalent of The Devil rather than an asshole trickster god, and I suppose there's an outside chance she'd know Tash, but I doubt she was able to finish Chronicles of Narnia. That was a really, really long comment.** They started 2 play their instilments. **Thus instilling the audience with musical wonder** I got onstag. **That's right. She rode James, in his Stag form, on stage.**

"Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111" I sang. **Not waiting for the rest of the band to be ready or, ya know, start the song.** (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. **Failpic fail description of fail.** Everyone clappd. **Fools. **Satan got an eructation. **In spite of everything else this fic has done to me, I think that was actually intended to be humorous.** "I'M NUT OKAY!1" **No. No you aren't.** I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak. **Happens to the best of us. And evidently the worst.**

"OMFG!1" yielded James. "Wut the fuck?" **That's a bit harsh.**

"Woops im sory!" said Lucian. **Apology accepted. There's no way they can find another band member that quickly.**

"You fuking ashhole!1" James shouted angrily. **You guys really aren't thinking this through, are you?**

"U guys are such prepz!11" **Random and unfounded insult is random and unfounded.** Snap said. "Cum on it wuz a mistake!1" **Thank you! Cut the lad some slack.**

"Yah itz not his fault!11" said Serious. **Well it kinda is, but it's not really a big deal.**

"No he ruined the fucking song!1" yelled Samaro. **The song was over.**

"U guys stop!11" **No, wait, let them decapitate each other. It'll mean less canon rape in the long run.** I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. **Yay!** They all began 2 fight. **But it's 3 on one. "They all began to fight" Implies that they were fighting each other. Only one of them disagrees with the others.** Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife. **Because the crowded auditorium can't testify in court at all.**

"OMFG no!11" shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late **Because shouting "NO!" always prevents people from doing things if you do it fast enough.** James tried 2 shoot off his arm. **With his knife. It's a knife that fires knives at you. He got it in the Kingdom of Loathing and somehow managed to bring it into this dimension.**

And den…**The Time Lords broke The Time Lock and Gallifrey consumed Earth and Time itself ended?**…I jumped secxily **Again, there are things that simply cannot and/or should not be done sexily.** in front of da bullet!11 **Mine was better.**

"No!111" yielded everyone ** Yielded isn't the word you're looking for.** but it wuz 2 late **If they'd yelled "NO!" a moment sooner...** suddenly everyfing went blak. **IIIIIIITTT'S OOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!**

Chapter 39. I Am A Trolling Genious, lolz **At long last, the legendary Troll Chapter!**

Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX. **Good to know.**

AN/ I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. **Better than the actual author** Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) **I don't know if I should be impressed with you or laugh at her.** and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. **I think not. It's the perfect crime.** Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. **Arguably, so is Tara, thought I'm not an advocate of the theory **Meh.

And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. **Can't be crappier than hers.** (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) **That's alright. I hadn't finished writing the commentary for chapter 19 before I decided to skip to this.** Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps." **HUZZAH!**

I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood. **And then cried blood. And then barfed blood. You get the picture.**

Satan kneeled down beside me. **It's so good to see correctly spelled words and proper grammar again. Although technically, I think that's supposed to be knelt. I might be wrong about that.**

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!" **Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!** **Die!**

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue." **Me praising the troll is going to get old after awhile, so I'm going to digress into some stolen anecdotes.**

Satan sobbed. "I love you Ebony." **Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast.**

"I love you two. I'll...I'll see you in hell." I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black. **I set the toaster to three: medium brown.**

B'loody Mary Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. **I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days.** She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony's lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. **So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.** She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of. **Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em.**

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. **Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.** Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, **the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. **it started to incinerate. **They didn't have white onions because of the war.**

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes. **The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.**

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!" **Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet **filled the room. **My story begins in nineteen-dickety-two.**

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. **We had to say dickety because the Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. **Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed. **I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles.  
><strong>  
>All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies <strong>The following morning I resigned my commission with the coastguard.<strong> (AN/I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) **Admiral Burn had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges. **and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies. **You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people  
><strong>  
>When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. <strong>And one day I see J.D. Rockerfeller flying by. <strong>Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' **So I run out of the house with a big washtub** Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.** I'd just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking-bird.  
><strong>  
>All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. <strong>We'd always have walking-bird on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings<strong> Harry and Voldemort started dueling. **cranberries, injun eyes, **On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax. **yams stuffed with gunpowder.**

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, **(Briefly pauses in his anecdote to growl)** Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married. **I'll allow that. For now.**

- **Anyway, Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball**

Meanwhile... **Three wars back we called Sauerkraut "liberty cabbage"**

Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. **And we called liberty cabbage "super slaw" **Asituation that would live on for all eternity. **And back then a suitcase was known as a "Swedish lunchbox." **Or at least until the end of fanfiction time. **Of course, nobody knew that but me.**

She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. **Then after World War Two, it got kinda quiet** Nothing would ever break her down. **'til Superman challenged FDR to a race around the world.**

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. **FDR beat him by a furlong** 'Where are my emo clothes?' **Or so the comic books would have you believe.** She asked herself in confusion. **That reminds me of the last time meteors came by.**

And then it occured to her... **We thought the sky was on fire, ya see.**

For her shirt, **Naturally, we blamed the Irish** she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the **We hanged more than a few** (right or left? I can't remember) side. **The next thing I knew, there was civil war in spain!** Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. **Damn. There's a kid over there. I have to clean up my war story.** Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. **So we chased the teddy bears** And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, **Into their cuddle bunkers** she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag. **And had to tickle them out**

Ebony supressed the urge to scream. **With machine hugs** Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, **And funthrowers** American Eagle, AND Hollister. **They say the more soldiers you tickle the easier it gets**

Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, **Well sir, it doesn't.** but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. **Not many people know I owned the first radio in Alberclerque.** Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. **Not much on the air then.** All she saw was a bra underneath **Just edison reciting the alphabet**(dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). **Over and over. **Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. **"A!" he'd say.** But to her frustration, **Then "B"** there was yet again another polo to replace it. **"C" would usually follow.**

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!" **Quiet whippersnapper. I used to be with It.** Ebony bellowed out to the air. **But then they changed what "It" was.** She failed to see the irony in her statement, **Now what I'm with isn't It.** how hypocrytical her words were, **And what's it seems scary and weird.** seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here. **It'll happen to you!**

Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod." **Anyway, long story short, it's a phrase whose origins are long and rambling.**

/End Crap Fic. **Error. Command not recognized.**

AN/ Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter,**You traitor!** I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here: 

**Ah well. Couldn't last forever. Here goes 40.**

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 **Says the suicidal goff writing a wish fulfillment fantasy.** U SUCK!11 **Ooo, projection.** oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind **She's working in England?** until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, **Yay! Less work!** lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 **A fire from the ashes shall be woken, a light from the shadow shall spring...** MCR RULEZ 666!111

I woke up in da Norse's offace **The Norse, herein reerred to as Loki due to Tara's odd obsession with evil and misunderstanding of Norse mythology.** on a special gothik coffin. **I'm sure they keep those stocked just for people like you.** Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma **So that's where all the comma Tara' failed to use have gone!** coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. **With their magic vampiry power thingies.** Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.

"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. **So he can just waltz in and out of the hospital wing any time he likes then?** He loked less mean then usual. **That isn't saying much.**

"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded. **Yeah. That'll work**

"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" **You do it then.** he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective. **He's very selective about the blood he cries. It must be from his arch nemesis, who, sadly, doesn't exist here.**

"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked. **You seem unduly concerned.**

Sudenly…**You stopped putting in totally unecessary elipses?**…. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! **Considering the way they've been portrayed previously, shouldn't they have been waiting with you?** B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. **You probably could've included them in the initial roundup then.** Every1 was holding blak boxez. **Did a plane crash nearby?** VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD. **THAT IS SUCH A DRAMATIC EVENT THAT IT IS IN CAPS.**

"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. **Well duh. Otherwise she'd have been hucked in a shallow grave, no longer able to warp the minds of those nearby the her liking instead of in the hospital. And you'd be your canon self and therefore not give a shit.** I hugged him and B'lody Mary.

"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. **How should they know? Whatever it is it happened in the past not the whenever-this-is.** "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" **We wish.** I gosped.** There's that word again. What does it mean?**

"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. **So the bullet missed her and consequently hit Lucan or whatever the hell his name is in this fic?** "But da ballet could not kill u **I've never found ballets particularly lethal myself, unless you show up in a football jersey and heckle them. Then you're just taking your life in your hands. You don't want to know how hard they can kick.** since u were form anodder time." **So Time Travel=Invincibility? Then why didn't she regenerate?**

"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot **You're Scottish now? You disgrace the nationality!** his arm. I gasped. He had two arms! **And yet chose only to hold out one. Also, how does he know he'd have lost an arm if it never happened?**

"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped. **Well, canon James wouldn't really have had a problem with shooting a snivelling death eater like Canon Lucius. MI James and MI Lucan on the other hand...**

"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." **Snap was possessed by...himself. And because he was possessed by himself he was able to make James shoot Lucan. That makes a lot of sense.** said James. **WHY IS JAMES ALIVE? YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR.**

"Yah he wuz a spy." **So what, now he's a triple agent? Or does that make quadruple?** Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer." **Or was he?**

"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. **Well, if he was a Death Deeler Spy, I believe by (Your) definition that makes him a poser.** "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." **Was he just supposed to possess this knowledge as an inherent trait?** Well anyway everyone tarted **Mmmmmmm. Tart.** 2 give me presents. **Why, exactly?** I was opening a blak box wif red 666s **How original.** (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) **But of course, the actual gift was secondary to...THE BOX! What can't you do with a box? It's a hat! Now it's shelter! Now it's a spaceship! It's an amusing thing to put on your head to obscure your vision in an entertaining way! There's really no end to the ways you can amuse yourself with a box.** on it when I gasped. **It's a box!** Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz. **Maybe you should just transfer to another school. Although in the HP universe, I understand that involves moving to another country. Here it's kinda irrelevant though.**

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally. **How do you ask something gothikally?  
><strong>  
>"No Draco told me <strong>Well you saw him then.<strong> he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." **So they're making porn versions of Vincent Pryce movies now. Interesting. Seriously though, how would Tara classify house of wax as Gothic? Sure, Vincent Pryce kills people and encases them in wax as exhibits, but he doesn't act gothffick in the least. He's an artist. He's the very embodiement of preppiness she claims to despise. He didn't even start out as a psychopathic killer like all Tara's characters seem to have, he was driven insane by having his face burned off by his ex partner who wanted to burn his art for the insurance money and then started encasing people in wax because achieving his former greatness from scratch was impossible. He's dark and tragic, but he's by no means gottffick. There's an easy way to tell: If you identify with a character and have even a rudimentary understanding of their motives, they aren't goffs. **said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. **Some friend he is, not even checking in to she if she's recovered. Hell, I would, if only because I'd be hoping Ebony would finally die.** Anyway da norse said u could get up.**The Norse, in addition to their seafaring background, are acknowledged in the wizarding world as master medics.** Cum on!1"

I got up suicidally. **(Barely contained snicker)** Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left.** So you're clear to get up but not leave. You can walk around the room all you want.** I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. **It's a gun that fires pure concentrated darkness and is large enough to toally encase a person.** Under that I had on a sexxy **Doubt it.** blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me ill tell u **Nothing would be worth massaging you, especially that.**). I put on a blak fishnet top **A fishnet top. Will wonders never cease?** under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. **Similar to the Irish legend of shoes that make you dance when you put them on, only they make you want to drone, ignore facts, and fail to get anything done. Sounds like Tara.** I left the hospital's wings **The hospital can fly now?** wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow. **That sounded gaspable.**

"We can go c Hose of Wax **A wax hose seems impractical.** wif Draco!1"**It's probably half over by now. Then again, that means you won't see any of the character development, which you people probably regard as a good thing.** giggled Vampire. **No. Bad Tara.**

"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11" **The troll wrote a chapter as Tara, didn't she?** said Hermoine. **I was wondering when Hermione was going to show up. All we got was this B'loody Mary person.** We opened da conmen room door sexily. **There are so many things wrong there...** And den…**Whatever could it be?**…..I gasped** Suspense fail**…**This will probably also be suspense fail**… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 **Less suspense fail than I expected, but still pretty fail.** He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz. **Doesn't "Doing it" Generally require one to be at least partially undressed?**

"U fucking prep!11" **Because one act automatically makes him a prep, do not pass go with no possibility of parole.** we all yielded angrily. **Now there is a combination of words you don't see much.**

"Yah u betrayed us!111" **You people also seem to have forgotten that not 20 chapters ago (A short period in this fic) Snap was trying to rape Draco. Has it occured to you that he, you know, succeeded?** shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun. **Why exactly does he have a gun?**

"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's. **I don't think you really understand how this works.**

"No shit **So you agree that you don't understand?** u fuking suk **Or not.** u preppy bastard!111" **He still isn't particularly preppy.** said Willow trying 2 attak him **Why did she fail? Was she not intelligent enough to figure where in the room he was?** (u rok girl!1). **Your pandering never ceases to amaze me.** I ran suicidally** How does one run suicidally? Do you carry scissors while you do it?** to my room I sexily took a steak out. **Sexily. Somehow I doubt that.**

"Enoby no!11111" **Knowing tara, you'd think those would be 6s. But no.** screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 **Hooray! Canon restored!** I had slit muh ritsts wif it **With a stake. That's really more of a stabby and less of a slashy weapon.** suddenly everyfing went blak again.

-

Sincerely,

An-Anon-Author-Who-Will-Silently-Not-Reveal-Her-Identity-Because-She's-A-Coward :P

A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains. **Better than air for brains like Tara has.**

Chapter 40. LOL! Someone has taken my account over!

THE IDIOT'S NOTE: Well... this was in the doc area... might as well let the whole world see what the real Tara wanted to show us... Have a nice day! 


	9. Chapters 41 through 44 and THE END!

Chapter 41.

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF! **They're exclamation points! Not ones! I'm so proud of her!** I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is **No. What's your point?** ur proly al prepz and pozers!11111 **By your definition? Yes.** neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November **We saw. I t was awesome.** and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. **I never would've guessed.** im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while **No problem. Less work for me.** but ive been rilly bizzy. **Doubt it.** im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. **This can't be all that hard to crank out.** Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. **You're going on vacation for a month and will be back in about 2 weeks. That makes **_**perfect **_**sense.** OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!111 **Fail.** I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way **That would make no sense.** lol he hsud play drako. **Remind me never to let you on a casting panel.** if u flame ill slit muh risztz!11 **Do it!** raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland.

When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!11 **That isn't surprising at all, actually. I don't think you had time to change since and all your outfits look the same anyway.** I looked arund confusedly. **As** **usual.** It wuz da Norse's office but it looked difrent! **The horned helmets were gone!** On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!1111 **Tara's spelling is reaching the point where it's equivalent to running something through babelfish 50 times but way worse.** (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band **I reject your absurd and foolish time travel and substitute my own. Then, the TARDIS appeared, and The Doctor defeated the reality warping lunatic. Hooray! ** 2 ok koz he is more old den panic? at da dizcko** And I'm older than that baby over there. Doesn't make me a Time Lord. Although I am, just by coincidence.** or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander **Woah woah wait, WHAT? How are the Beatles Goffic? How? HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS THAT HAVE EVER BEEN?** with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. **They wore black a lot, but not for the reasons Tara seems to think. As to noticable eyeliner...** On it said '1980.' **Long after they broken up and the year John Lennon was shot. Nice research fail there Tara.**

"OMFG! Im back in Tim again!111" **No, I think you're in some kind of horrfiying alternate universe.** I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort **We know that. We have a longer attention span than you do.** 4 photo refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, **/facepalm.** blak tight jeans **/rage** and fishnet pantz. **/laugh uncontrollably whilst being furious** He looked so sexah **Voldemort does not work that way.** I almost had an orgy!11 **Sometimes I wonder if you even know what the words you use mean, let alone the ones you inexplicably exclude.**

"OMFG Enoby r u ok." He asked gothikally. **THAT IS NOT AN ADJECTIVE.**

"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped **Wow. Overreaction.** sexily. **Pick one. Angry passive aggressive deranged lunatic or mistress of seduction. You made your choice some time ago in my opinion, now stop trying to multiclass.** "OMG am I dedd?" **Well no. You just noted how you'd travelled back in time.** koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame's gun. **That was chapters ago. You've done a number of things since then. Including slitting your wrists with a steak, (Your own spelling) somehow.** I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!111 **Yeah, that's why you committed suicide. Again. I think. It's hard to tell with you.**

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. **Why, exactly? Could you please explain why you appear to be immune to death?** I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine. **Yeah, that's pretty damned obvious.**

"No ur not dead." Satan reassured suicidally **LOOOOOOOL.** as he smokd a cigarette sexily **HAHAHAHAHA!** and smoke came all over his face. **Hilarious fail is hilariously fail.** "Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. **Assuming it wasn't silver.** Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad is doing." **Harry who hasn't been born yet. Well, at least people before his time call him by his name.**

I noo dat da real reason I didn't die from da ballet was koz **Ballets are generally non lethal affairs unless you do something incredibly stupid?** I was from da future. **Or that, although it makes way less sense.** "WTF! James almust shot Luciious!" **This is just hitting you now?** I said indigoally. **So now you're tracking down the six fingered man who murdered your father and gave you 2 scars across the cheek thus motivating you to dedicate your life to learning the art of the sword to get revenge?** I knew that James had really ben possezzed, **I thought Snap was the possessed one.** but I didn't want him2 know I knew. **Finally. You consider the implications of time travel.**

"Yah I know but he had a headache **That's your excuse for everything.** he wz under a lot of stress." Satan reasoned evilly. **That's the message of this fic laid bare: Reason is evil.**

"I guess that's ok." I said because James hadn't really shot Lucian. **Of course not. He was using a knife.** Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. **Yeah, you never did remember to mention that he only had the one.** I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!11 **They're everywhere!** He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears **Some kind of evil elf?** and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties **How is that 80s? What? What's going on?**), blak congress shoes **I'm really running out of jokes to make about those.** and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido **You already failed description, you don't need to try for a negative score.** for I Don't 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face **(Sigh)** lyk da wmn in dat video. "Hey." He sed all qwietly and goffically. **Fail adjectives fail the universe. Don't use them.**

"Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him. **Who are you corrupting this time?**

"Dis is…Hedwig!11" **(Jawdrop)** Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX **He used to be a female mail delivery owl owned by Harry Potter. In the future.** 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm. **I'm assuming he wasn't a vocalist then. I suppose Snap was his replacement?**

"Hey Hedwig." I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b. **So seductive it's a curse.**

"Lol **Never insert internet acronyms into dialouge. NEVER.** hi Enoby." He answered but then he ran away **Who wouuldn't before The Queen of Darkness and Death, Empress of a Thousand Worlds, Countess of the Dark Galaxy, Lady of the Fourth Seal, Bringer of Doom known as Tara Gillespie?** bcos he had hair of magical creature. **Ah, so his transfiguration's wearing off. Harry will be happy.** He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade **The what now?** under his breth( I no dat is not 80s **THEN PICK A DIFFERENT FRICKIN SONG.** but pretend it is ok! **No. I choose to belive that an owl flew in, you mistook it's gender and thought that it hooting was it's way of humming.**)

"Bye." I sed all sexily. **(Eyeroll)**

"Dat was Hedwig. **We know. You introduced him already.** He used 2 b my boifreind **No. No. This is going to far. Voldemort is a sociopath. My Time Travelling Con Man theory is confirmed.** but we broke up." **Well duh.** Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

"OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!" **Aren't you supposed to be seducing him? Or will him getting laid at all stop him from being evil and they just sent you cause you're the sluttiest?** I said fingering something I didn't know wuz in my pocket- **Come on time bomb.** a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 **Wait...what?** cideo ipod that I could take videos wif **And which won't work cause it's from the future. At least follow your own rules.** (duz ne1 elze no about dem? dey kik azz! **ARRRRRRRRGH.**).

"Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. **How irresponsible of you.** Im going 2 show u something grate!1" **Doubt it.** I led them to da Great Hall. "Cum on u guys."

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. **Is it lunchtime? Why were none of you up there?** Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him. **Makes sense.**

"Go fuk urself you fukking douche!" he shouted at him. **That counts as talking.** "Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!1" **Wait, so they decided what to name their kids ten years in advance?**

"Yah go fuck urself Samaro!" **Aren't your nicknames badges of honor?** Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian. **In theory.**

"B quiet u guys." I said sexily. **Sigh.** Mi plan waz working oot great. **YOU HAVE A PLAN?** Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! **So it's a lose-win for the readers.** Now Vampire's dad wood never die **In all eternity. Voldemort stole his immortality.** and **And what? AND WHAT?** "OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out." **That's rather inappropriate of you.** I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod. **Why?**

"Kool." said Serious **No Sirius! Fight her!** as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. **Didn't they break up? Have these people no emotions?** We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. **No. Not again. WE. MAKE. OUR. STAND. HERE.** Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. **Let them come. Let them all come! LET ALL THE ENEMIES OF CANON RIDE TO THEIR DOOM UPON THIS FIELD! ** I noo Snape was bi. **There may come a day when we divide into our petty shipping wars. There may come a day when the writers divide us. There may come a day when all sembelence of fandom peace shall leave us, and we dissolve into roving factions. But today is not that day.**

"Oh my fukking god! Voldimort! Voldimort!" **Today, I bid thee stand. PROTECTORS OF THE SACRED CANON!** screamed Hedwig as his glock **They both have guns now? Back to the speech...** touched Voldemort's. **Will you join in our crusade, who will be strong and stand with me?**

But suddenly everything stopped **We didn't.** as da door opend and in kame…**THE PROTECTORS OF THE SACRED CANON!**…Dumblydore **Er, um...A representitive of THE PROTECTORS OF THE SACRED CANON!** and Mr. Norris!111111111111 **His loot carrier.**

Chapter 42. da blak parade **You have chosen your army's name. WE, THE PROTECTORS OF THE SACRED CANON, SHALL CRUSH THE BLACK PARADE!**

AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon **You shant have it, cur!** I kant wait!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort **Foul knave! Run back from whence you came before our advance!** koz dey are both haff-blood **Thy case art flimsy, thou hateful withered hag!** so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111 **Thou hath a talent for perceiving the obvious.** omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha **Hold my brave defenders, her power cannot break us!** dat will be so shmexxy, wont it? **THOU SHALT NE'ER LIVE TO SEE THY PLOTS FULFILLED!** If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111 **Thy assaults upon the thrice blessed author cannae be beared!** fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111 _Uh, sir, when do we actually attack instead of shouting blowhardy, inconsistently middle english insults at the enemy? _**'Tis nae so simple I'm afriad lad. **_What, now you're Scottish? _**Thou canst not pray to comprehend the stranger turns of war, good boy. **_And then you start out a sentence in middle english and wind up in hammy WW2 officer mode! I'm outta here. Any of you lot what want to come can follow me. _**Nay! Ye cannae leave! Blinded heartless fools art thee! Yer yella bellied cowardice dinnae surprise me ya pansies! I say good chaps, do come back.**

I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. **How does one sit cruelly? Was he actually sitting ON your fronts?** He looked more young den he did in da future. **I never would have guessed.** He had taken da ipod away **Woah woah wait, WHAT?** and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song. **There are so many things wrong with-What the-I don't- WHAT?**

"What da hell is this anyway?" **We wish we knew.** he cackled meanly. **As opposed to cackling kindly.** I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time. **It's pretty damned obvious.**

"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said. **"Please don't throw me in the briar patch!"**

"Yah, siriusly **SIRIUS SAID SIRIUSLY! YAY!** she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." **Which seems to be surprisingly easy.** Serious said deviantly. **No, he seems to be pretty much following your lead.**

"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. **Disturbing portmanteau is disturbing.** "If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! **How would that be lucky?** That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." **For the record, Dumbledore is being a bit extreme here, but is mostly in the right. I mean seriously, at least TRY to not bother anyone when you do this kind of crap. Count the number of closests in Hogwarts. Now count the number of rooms in Hogwarts that can be magically sealed. The possibilities are endless.** He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. **And why is he listening to an iPod at a time like this?** Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. **So it's actually The Hulk's iPod?** It was slowly chonging! **Chonging? I don't think I want to know what that means.** Dumblydore didn't notece. **But he's listening to it. If it's changing into something else it's going to stop working.**

"You fucking poser." I muttoned. **You said it while throwing mutton at him?**

"I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. **Only a select few of us sane people have, lad.** Know I knew **You know you knew what? But now I know you knew that I know you know that you knew that I know that you know that you knew that I knew that you know that I know that you knew!**waht da iPod was chonging in2- **An iPhone?** Morti McFly's tim machine!11 **That's a somewhat bigger hardware update.**

"Shut up Jomes!" **Indiana Jones? Where?** Drako's dad shouted. **What did he say that you disagreed with?**

"Yeah shut up!" Snake said preppily.**Wait, aren't you possessing him?**

"No u shut up Dumblydore!1111" said Tom. **HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!**

"I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!" **I can see why.** shouted Dumbledore spuriously. **Little known fact: Steve Spurriur had similar problems on his gator football team, hence the verb spuriously.**

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. **And yanked the headphones out of his ears, thus damaging both the headphones and his ears.** "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8! **But they just looked at her like she was crazy.** I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. **You mean three of them thought for themselves? This is wonderful!** It was…**Dumblydore?**…..Satan. **Damn.**

"You dunderheads!1111111111" **Well, she got more exclamation poionts in before they became ones this time. I wonder if she's trying to implant some kind of binary code in our computers with them? No, haven't seen enough inexplicable 0s.** screamed Dumbledore wisely **lololololol.** as we went. **I see you and Leave still aren't speaking.**

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. **It's only the con men room when he's in it, actually.** I was wearing a **Wait, so time travel made you change clothes?** blak plaid miniskirt **Wait. Black plaid? How is that possible?** with hot pink fishnetz, **You have fairly inconsistent ideas on the color pink, don't you?** a sexy **Doubt it.** blak MCR corset **You wear a lot of brand/band name merchandise for someone allegedly fighting the mainstream.** and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. **Please tell me those don't exist.** My earrings were blake Satanist sins **The Blake Sins, the only things truly considered atrocities even in Satanism. This fic is one of them.** and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black. **Oh look. Another awful pun.**

"Hey kool where iz dis?" **e should recognize the common room. It hasn't changed much.** he asked in an emo voice.

"Dis is da future. Dumbeldore's iPod dat he tried to take away from me **Well then it wasn't his iPod, was it?** wuz really also a tim machine." **You realize how stupid this sounds, right?** I told him.

"Kool what's an ipatch?" **It's something that pirates wear over one eye so that they always have one eye adjusted to the dark when they go belowdecks, or alternatively, something someone with one good eye would use to cover the bad one.** he whimpered. **That's not really a whimpering sentence.**

"It's somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music." **Wait a minute, if Dumblydore had one, haven't they been invented already? Especially since if it was yours, it raises the question of why there was Avril Lavigne on it?** I yakked. **You just keep yakkity yak yak yakking, don't you?**

"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" **Dirt? Also, since when are you doing a crossword?** he esked in his sexah voice. **That's not the kind of thing you ask in a sexy voice, either?**

"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly.

"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." _**Nobody **_**else would fail to realize dirt had 4 letters.** He triumphently giggled. **Overload. HUMOR OVERLOAD!**

Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

"OMG you're fucking alive!" **Of course she's alive. TaEbory has Joker immunity.** said Ginny **Ginny's here! We'e only seen Jenny so far!** wearing a blak leather jocket, **It's a jacket for jocks.** blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. **No comment.** I explained 2 her why I was alive. **Because you had no reason to die?**

"Konichiwa, bitch." **Oh great, here we go again.** said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. **No comment.** With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick. **I know nothing about makeup, but that doesn't really sound like it would work.**

"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. **I thought you made him dye it blue.** He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit **Wait what? What the hell is P?ATD? T-SHIT?** and blak baggy pants.

"Hey whose that, Ibony?" B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom **A pentarom is an obscure kind of computer disc.** on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants **Pants made out of red letters.** with blak lace, and black stolettoes.

"Oh its Satan." **Prepare for the apocalypse, sisters!** I told her and she nodded knowing da truth. **That seems like somewhat overly dramatic phrasing for an introduction.**

Suddenly Satan started to cry. **Not again.**

"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly.

"OMFG ur from da future!1! **Yes. You're very smart.** What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" **She already knew she was from the future dumbass.** he asked.

"No I still like you." **"But only because I have to seduce you so you don't become evil and threaten to kill my boyfriend if I don't kill his boyfriend."** I said sexily to him. **And then Draco walks in. Awkward...**

"Ok." He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers **You madwoman!** by MCR **YOU FIEND!** on my ipod **How did he know how to work it? **while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. **Things that can only be found out about outside.** I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. **Oh I can delay him much longer if you need me to. (Prepares Troll Chapter Anecdotes)** Satan fell asleep. **Damn. He must have developed a pavlovian reaction.** I took the iPod. **You fiend!** I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 **Who has somehow escaped Azkhabian.** She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, **STRIPPED tights? No. Just...no.** and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner. **As opposed to the TONS TaEbory used near the beginning of the alleged story.**

"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 **I was wondering about that, but I'm sure he's around here somewhere. I mean, if something happened to him, I'm sure the others would have mentioned it.** How did Snap get back here! **Since when is Snap back?** I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." **On vacation?** I asked sadly.

"Ebony I was so worried abott u **I'm worried about her too, but more in the "I'm worried that monster is going to destroy my village" sense.** but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. **Oh there are ways of killing vampires. Vrompires too, if that's your thing.** Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. **Wait. A cowardly, pink wearing teenage girl broke him out of the most feared, most impenetrable, most infamous wizarding prison in history, a magical Alcatraz as it were, where the guards feed on fear and suffering and suck the life out of you, on an island in the darkest sea infested with giant squids, sharks, grindylows and bribed mer-people, where storms rage constantly, where even the hardest man is driven into the dark caverns of madness and the only escape is DEATH ITSELF? WHY IS THIS NOT IT'S OWN MOVIE? ** I never liked her she was a bad student."** As opposed to Tara, who makes sure to only miss 50 classes out of 10.** Trevolry said reassuredly.**Reassured of what, exactly?**

"That bitch!11 **I think you meant to say badass.** Did she also free Hargrid **Who I still can't understand the constant side-changing of.** and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep. **And for no other reason whatsoever. Racist.**

"Yes they are on the loose at this school. **On the loose? Not the way I'd put it.** Dumblydore is back **Yay! I mean, even Tara wanted him back.** Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. **Uh, I thought Fudge was one of the villains here.** Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" **"They'll get taken for every cent they have, but it's better than the alternative!"** Trevolry said worriedly.

"OK. But where's Dracko? **You have a one track mind, don't you?** How cum he was doing it with Snap?" **Oh, you mean THE RAPIST?**

"I dunno why **(Facepalm)** but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide **Almost tried.** after he saw u almost kill urself." **And I have to ask again, since she did that in plain sight of several people, what happened to her body? And why did killing herself in her home time send her back in time?** she said.

"OMG dat's terrible!" **Even if he's done it he wouldn't have died.** I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. **You could wake him, so you'd have the larval form of the most powerful dark wizard in history on your side.** Then I said "Lizzen evry1, **Lizzie Borden, Everyone,** I have sumthing imptent to do. **Your ego thanks you for mentioning it.** in hr evry1 stay!" **Yoda I am. Obey me you will.** wiv dat I ran out.

"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried. **Everyone. Even the people who hate her. They were compelled by a darker power which they don't understand.**

I ran sexily down the staris **Running does not work that way.** in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. **How do they all know what's going on? Shouldn't they be confused? After all, all you goffs painted black over the paintings in your rooms so their news chain is broken.** There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney **HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO!** laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty **This coming from you?** pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink **Fitch quit when the business became "Too preppy"** stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.

"No, your totally a bitch. **I'm with Britney here.** Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" **In the one good act of his entire life.** she laughed. **I'd be happy too if I knew Tara was about to die.**

"Crucious!1" **You fool! You can't take her on! She broke into Azkaban! Her mind and soul must be of a nature unbeknonst to us humans! She's invincible!** I shouted selectively **In that by shouting it you selected your curse.** pontificating my blak wand **You wand is now the pope. Congratulations.** and she started screaming koz she was being tortured **Ha! She took on the Dementors, she can take you.** and I laughed sodistically.

"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" **But, of course, she's feigning pain to make you lower your guard.** Britney screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. **Seriously, there are so many less awkward ways to say that.** In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. **Why does she have that?** I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. **Why? You already have a camera with that tape on it.** Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. **And you fell and it broke. Yay!** When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. **I was wondering where he went.** "OMG Vampira!111" **No. More. Gender. Flips.** I yielded. **Yielded? I don't think that's what you were going for there.**

We hugged each udder happily. **There was a nearby cow, and they hugged it's udders one by one.** He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes **Goffic red contacts, more like.** and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. **iShadow**. **Apple's latest product for the tech-savvy goff.** His He **He has a he?** wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. **The shoes which- Screw it, I've made that joke enough.** He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. **Stop. Frickin. Doing. That.** (did u hear der song da river it rox!1 **Doubt it.**)"I wus so worried you died!" **I was hoping she died. Does that count?** moaned Vampire.

"I know but Im a vampire lol. **Vampirism fixes everything. OF COURSE! TARA IS STEPHANIE MEYER!** When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, **I'm gonna stop you right there...** so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me." **You fool. YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL! Two Voldemorts in league will not only cause a temporal paradox, but also doom the world to his rule forever more! **

"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously. **Now there I don't see the link to Spurrier.**

"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" **You know who he is, dumbass.** Vampir snarkled **Snarkle. It's when you snark while you're snorkeling.** with anger in his sexy voice.

"I NO **But he didn't. He was obviously raped. Do you people not understand how rape works?** BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM." I SED SMARTY. **You? Smartly? (Collapses into uncontrollable laughter)**

"I'll do it den." **Bad idea. He'll kill him. Wait, so that makes it a good idea, actually.** Harry said angstily. **When did Harry show up? I thought we were talking to Vampire.**

"OK." I argreed. Suddenly…**Morgoth broke the Doors of Night and returned from the netherworld with all of his greatest lieutenants bringing with him the final darkness and the greatest discharge of pure evil the universe will ever know which can only be defeated by the combined forces of all the free peoples throughout all of time?**….all da lights in da room went out. **Mine was better.** And den…**Rocks fell and everyone died?**….da Dork Mark appeared. **You won't even grant me that, then?**

"Oh my fucking satan!" **Worshipping your boyfriend's girlfriend's boyfriend. This can't end well.** Harry shouted. **Seriously, when did Harry show up?**

"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." **He arrived with you, remember? Although that version hasn't taken up the name yet.** I sed anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 **I thought Harry was doing that?** I guess we shood separate." **Yes. You and the fandom need to seperate. Bye TaEbory.**

"Ok." Vampire sed diapperating. **So if Enoby is looking for Draco and Harry is doing something unspecified, what's Vampire doing? ** Sadly I ran into the Great Hall. **Where numerous death traps had been laid out and the door shut behind you. You lasted roughly 15 seconds. The most satisfying 15 seconds in fanfic history.**

Chapter 43.

AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. **THAT WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL, DAMN IT!** Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!111111 **I think she wants us to invert that statement: Thanks to all who flamed this story, not those who encouraged it if you flamed this story then you rock 1111111111!** if u flam den fukk u!111 **I am a servant of the secret fire. Oh wait, I used that one. Power in firebending- No, that one too. To quote the human- Nope. Hold your head even- That one too. HELLFI- No, did that one. All will be consumed i- Nope. Oh, wait, I've got a good one. Do you know what angels use? Flaming swords. (Looks at chapter 18) DAMN IT!**

I walked sexily into the Great Hall. **No just...no.** It was empty except for one person. **What, no elipsis? You're slipping.** Draco was there! **The very person you were looking for! Amazing!** He sat der in deddly bloom **When did Draco become a man-eating plant?** in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!111 **Hardly surprising, considering that we'd been told he was suicidal earlier and that he's done this multiple times before, and that wrist-slitting has absolutely no effect in the Taraverse.** I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape **Oh, you mean WHEN HE GOT RAPED?** but I felt sorry for him. **For getting raped? Yeah, you should.** He looked just like Gerard Way **(Sigh) Here we go again.** with his red eyes **Contacts. Also, I doubt this Gerard Way fellow you keep referencing has red eyes.** and his pale white face.

"Draco are you okay?" **Well no. He slit his wrists, little effect though that may have here.** I asked.

"I'm not okay." **We knew that.** he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song **Of course you did.** nd I got even more depressed **You really, really suck at this.** koz that song always makes me cry. **You really aren't thinking this through, are you?** I gave him a pot cigarette **Because getting the guy suffering from severe blood loss high is **_**obviously **_**the right move.** and he started to smoke it.

"Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?" **You mean the character who has previously been established to BE A RAPIST? Seriously, how are you not picking up on this?** I asked teardully. **Teardully. When a dull person cries, like Ebony.**

"I-" Draco began to say but suddenly **Has she finally renounced absurd elipses? That's a step in the right direction.** Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room! **You can't apparate in Hogwarts and Filch is a squib. Good night.** They didn't see us. **If they aren't after you, why are they in here?**

"Im so glad we me and Snape were freed." **Sounds like you went through some brain damage back in .** said Loopin.

"Dam, this job would be great if it wasn't 4 da fukking students!" **Then there wouldn't be a job. You'd be cleaning an abandoned castle.** Mr. Norris argreed. **You can't agree with something you come up with. Even Smeagol has to wait for Gollum to suggest something before agreeing with it.**

"Pop addelum!111" **What?** I yielded angrily** What a strange combination of words.** pointing my wand at them. **Really? I thought that was just a random sentence that sounded like pseudo-pseudo-latin! You mean it was a spell?**

"Noooooooo!1" Lupin shouted as chains came on him. **I'm pretty sure the chaining spell is Incarcerus.** Mr. Norris ran away.

"You fukking perv." **Here we go again.** I said laughing wiv depths of evil **Yes, we know you're evil, that's why we're trying to kill you, now get on with it.** and depressedness in my voice. **Depressedness? I don't really think that was the right line to show it on.** "Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is **Why would he know? Britney Afuckingprep, Conqueror of Dementors, Guardian of the Fourth Gate, Slayer of Shadows, Queen of Blades freed him, not Voldemort.** or I'm gong 2 torture u!" **Torture. Doesn't Work. How many times do I have to say that?**

"I don't now where he is!1111" **He's telling the truth. Let him go.** said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. **When did they meet up? Isn't Satan asleep in the con men room?** Vampir didn't know who Satan was really. **His scar should be burning up about now regardless.**

"Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!1" **And magically knew which room to find them in.** Vampire said. I looked sexily at **(Eyeroll)** Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, **HA! YOU ADMIT IT!** blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, **(Bangs head against nearby wall repeatedly)** Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero **That's a new one.** and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then. **And another one. That's really unusual for Tara. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was expanding her mind. But that's impossible.**

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. **Selecting it from dozens of other candies.** And then…**Haven't seen one of these in a while. Only five dots though, that's odd**.. I began frenching Draco sexily. **NOT. THE. TIME. Especially since the target of your time travelling seduction mission is right in front of you.** Loopin gasped. **Why does this surprise him at this point? And given how you've portrayed him, shouldn't he be happy about this?** Draco began to take all of his cloves off **Please don't do this to us.** and I could see his white sex-pack. **Why do you hate sanity?** Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. **Is she actually doing the 3 way now?** We all began making out 2gther sexily. **Called it. Called it 40 chapters ago.** I took off my blak leather bra, **Doesn't make me immune to this though. Help!** my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. **Which were on top of them. You didn't really think about this before you did it, did you?** Every1 took their glocks **SEX FIGHT!** out except 4 me im a girl lol. **"Yes. Of course I am. (Looks around shiftily)"** "Oh mi satan! **He's standing right there. Invite him to join in.** Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy **You really suck at this.** Den he did da same fing to Harry. **REVEEEEEEEEEEEEEENGE!** I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. **Finally, you get around to fulfilling your mission.** "OMS!111" **You're not doing anything with him!** cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" **Well, that was quite possibly the most pointless over use of the word Vampire I've seen.** I screamed screamed. **Screaming screaming is like screaming, but with more screaming. Hence the extra screaming in screaming screaming.** "Oh Satan!" **Again: you are not currently interacting with him.** yelled Harry in pleasore. **Sore already, is he?** Loopin watched in shock. **I'd like to remind you that he's one of your two pervert characters. You seem to have forgotten.** Wee took turns doing torture curses on him **You people are just fucked up.** koz we were all sadists. **We know. We've read the fic. It can't possibly have any other purpose.**Suddenly…**Sozin's Comet arrived, giving the Firebenders unprecedented power great enough to wipe out an entire civilization in a single day, forcing The Avatar into action before he could complete training and pitting him against the mightiest of his foes at the greatest possible peak of their strength so that he could defeat them before they destroyed the entire Earth Kingdom? **…**Ah, the crazy elipses are back**…..

….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate **You just love those things, don't you?** flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11 **lolwut?**

Chapter 44.

AN: well I hav noffing 2 say **Then stop writing the damned fic.** but evrt1 stup glamming ok!111 **Glamming? My reading this fic has nothing to do with my own glamour, let me tell you.** if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!11 **They aren't. They're mythical creatures which never actually existed.** omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!1 **Then READ THE FRICKIN BOOK.** tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik **I will **_**never **_**let that happen. As soon as you manage to plant the idea in Rowling's mind, rest assured I will put her out of her misery.** koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!1111 **He didn't mean that in a good way. **omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon **You don't seem like the type to enjoy Bush bashing.** kant wait! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.**Or ever.**

"Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. **You mean there AREN'T two identical black flying cars with 666 licence plates? Surely you jest!** But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. **Didn't you tell us it was Snap earlier?** It wuz…**Tom Bombodil?**….Snape! **Snape! I guess it wasn't Snap after all.**

"I shall free you Loopin **Then do so.** but first you must help me **While chained up. I want to watch you try to do it. I need a good laugh.** kill these idiotic donderheads." **Again, that's actually a decent insult.** he said cruelly from the car **As opposed to from the other side of the room, which was quite possible.** as it flew circumamcizing above us.**I desperately want to write a funny comment about that. But somehow I'm coming up blank. HOW CAN I NOT FIND ANYTHING IN THAT COMIC GOLD MINE? HOW, I ASK YOU?** "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. **Here here!** Den the Dork Lord **The feared Emporer of the Dorks. They say he's never gotten anything less than a 107.** shall never die!" **And it turns out that all of this is just an elaborate practical joke Voldemort is playing on his more annoying followers by giving them a red herring to get them out of the way in a fake Hogwarts while he hunts down Harry Potter. Snap idolizes Snape and decided to change his name to reflect this.**

"You fucking prep!" yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. **ANGRY! **_**Sad. **_**ANGRY! **_**Sad.**_ "I forgot to tell u, Ebony. **I left the stove on.** Snape made me do it with him. **No! Shocking. I never would have guessed that the rapist you hate that we saw you having sex with raped you!** I didn't really have sexx him **You kinda did. It still counts as sex if it's rape, it's just also rape.** but he's a ropeist!" **He worships The Rope God Twinezacotl. I've seen him bend ropes to his will and make them move like snakes!**

We all put our clothes on quickly **So fast that Snap wasn't able to take advantage of the time it took to, you know, kill you.** except Satan. **Who is either thinking about this a lot more than you are and already ran or has suddenly become a nudist. Know Tara...** We were so scarred!1 **And you've scarred us too.** But Satan didn't change. **How is putting your clothes back on changing?** Instead he changed **(Facepalm)** into a man with gren eyes, **That's unusual for Tara.** no nose, **Ah, someone accelerated his timeline. Got it.** a gray robe **Gray? Voldemort usually wears black.** and white skin. He had changed into…**THE MASTER!**… Voldemont!111 **You mean his future self?**

"I knew who thou were all along." **Wait, so Voldemort went back in time and transfigured himself into his younger self just to play an immense practical joke on Ebony? MY TIME TRAVELLING CON MAN THEORY WAS RIGHT! Seriously though, I want this fic rewritten from his perspective immediately. This almost makes up for the rest of the fic. That's brilliant.** he cackled **Congratulations Tara. You took my advice for once.** evilly and sarcastically at me. **Sarcastically? I son't think that's the word you were looking for.** "Now I shall kill thee all!" **However, this unexpectedly awesome plot twist hasn't improved Tara's middle english.** Thunder came in da room. **Thunder? Who's Thunder? Did she just make up a new character without mentioning it?**

"No plz don't kill us!" **Fight back then. Try to escape. Voldemort isn't the sparing type.** pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B'loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, **When did they show up in this fic?** Hargrid, **Wait, isn't he your enemy now?** McGonagall, **She isn't exactly your biggest fan either.** Dumblydore, **He's saved your ass a couple of times but he still hates you.** Serious and Lucian all ran in. **You mean literally all of your protagonists except Trevolry/Sinister?**

"What is da meaning of dis?" **It's an invasion of the school. Duh.** Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away **That's a bit out of character.** (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of. **CANON. THANK YOU. But he still wouldn't avert his eyes from Dumbledore.**) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. **His **_**broomstick? **_**You have a very strange way of perceiving inanimate objects.** Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik. **He also knows when he's outnumbered and outgunned, but he probably would have AKed Enoby and/or Harry as he left.**

"Oh my goth!" **We get it Tara. Now stop it.** Slugborn **WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?** gosped. **I'm still researching this strange verb...** (geddit kos im goffik) **We got it. It's just stupid as hell.**

"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. **When he has sufficient back up.** Then you must submit to him!" **AS INFERI! **Snape ejaculated **Perv.** menacingly. **That's a word you don't see too often, strangely enough.**

"You fucking preppy fags!" **The Death Eaters are anything but preppy. **Serious shouted angrily.

"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, **Dirt?** CRUCIATUS!" **That doesn't mean dirt. Nor does it have four letters. I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of crosswords.** screamed Harry **When did he get here?** but da sparks from his wand **The cruciartus curse doesn't cast sparks. The curse itself is invisible. Or green light. I don't really remember. But I think invisible. And definitely not sparks.** only hit Draco's car. **Think of the insurance...** It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera. **That'll do him **_**so **_**much good.**

"Oh my fucking god!1" **So now cameras are horrible weapons? Did you all suddenly become pre flesh and stone Weeping Angels?** I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, **Then break the camera with your wand. Or your 3 guns.** the video of me dong it wif Drako **From when?** and the video of Satan doing it with **If you're referring to the video I think you are, that will be far more damaging to Voldie's reputation than anyone else's.**

"If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. **How? When and how did you set that up? Where did you even get that last one?** Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton." He laughed meanly. **There's something very disturbing about those sentences...**

"No!" I scremed. "FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!11" **Finally, you remember that you have the blackmail card in your hand as well. Which means someone was cheating, unless it's in a different suite.**

"Whats she talking abott?" **Lupin was there when that happened. He has the same amount of knowledge of this as Snap.** Lupin **SHE SPELLED LUPIN CORRECTLY!** slurped **That's right. They gave him a milkshake to make his captivity less painful.** as he sat in chains.

"I saw 2 she's gunna show evry1 da picter!111" **Since Snap and Lupin have been hauled off to 3 times already, I think their reputation has been pretty heavily damaged already. On the other hand, Ebony's obvious sluttiness hasn't been as totally unavoidable as teachers being hauled off to jail.** Harry shouted angrily.

"Shut up!111'" **I refuse to listen to your reasoning! I take after the authoress!** Lumpkin **Knew it couldn't last forever.** roared.

"Foolish ignoramuses!" **Meh. That one's alright.** yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. **He's baaaaack.** "Thou shall all dye soon." **"I shalt put thee to work as slave labor in my preppy tye dye t-shirt factories!"**

"Think again you fucking muggle poser!1" **Muggle is not a random insult but a term used o refer to a non magical person. Voldemort is very clearly a wizard.** Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both **That's 3 people.** took out blak guns! **Not just any guns, **_**black guns.**_ But Voldimort took out his own one. **Or his wand, so he could cast protego and then avada kedavra them.**

"U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" **MEXICAN standoff. And technically I don't think it counts if it's three on one, there have to be at least three groups.** I shouted despariedrly. **Despair? We're finally going to get to see the canon characters freed from this madness.**

"Acco Nevel's wand!11" **That'll do you know good. He's not holding his wand, so he'll just shoot you. And you aren't holding your wand, so nothing will happen anyway. That was actually really pointless.** cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. **And everyone shot him while he grabbed it. The end.** "Now I shall kill thee all **Couldn't you have used your own wand, or shot them?** and Evony u will die!11111"** I think that falls under the samme category as "Kill thee all."**

He maid lighting come all over da place. **Wait. So he's The Emporer now? Or is hethe undead Master from End of Time? A particularly competent firebender?**

"Save us Ebony!" **She should be being effected by this as much as you are.** Dumbledark **Dumbledark is the mirror universe version of Dumbledore.** cried.

I cried sexily **First of all, that helps no one. Second of all, HOW THE HELL DO YOU CRY SEXILY?** I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists **Or you could just run into the line of fire, a far more effective means of suicide.** with mi friends **Oh. In a social context. Well, they're in the line of fire too.** while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 **You're just picky, aren't you?** and do it with Draco **Can't help you there.** but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. **That sounds pretty damn impotent.**

"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted. **At who?**

**Seriously, that's it?**

**WHAT A FRICKIN RIP OFF!**

**Wasn't as traumatizing as I expected. Maybe I should do Celebrian next. Or My Inner Life, although I know absolutely nothing about the LoZ canon, from what I understand it's more than easy enough to mock it without having ever heard of the games. Any suggestions, people? Oooo, maybe I could do a commentary of my commentary. Maybe use italics instead of bold?**

**Seriously, anyone with suggestions, send them in. HP fandom stories are preferred (As it tends to have the worst fanfic writers if only due it's size) but Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Star Wars and other fandoms are perfectly admissable. Actually, don't worry about the fandom. Just send it in. If it's bad enough, I'll do my research. My thanks to everyone who suffered and laughed through this with me. **


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